i need to vent. i am frustrated. i know vegas is busy, really busy…but it definitely sucks not feel like a priority.
i introduce him to my parents and i haven’t seen him since.
i’m starting to recoil and when i do that i bail. i know me.
i actually don’t feel like his feelings have changed but this distance and space between us fills me with doubt, and i’ve been unhappy with these circumstances.
ugh.
that’s all. we’ll see if we make it through the weekend.
went really well. the food came out perfectly. everyone was nice. my mom told vegas about how i’m deathly afraid of alligators, how at age 4 i used to insult my older sisters in french, and that time i fell asleep on the train to connecticut and missed my stop.
now vegas can’t wait to meet my other sister who looked like ricky schroeder when she was 9.
vegas liked them, they liked him…everything worked out well.
ha. so, that is that. i’m guessing it might be a week before my grandparents invite the two of us to dinner at their house.
well, we did it on friday, because vegas had a show on sat. he sent me 2 dozen roses to my office. i signed for them, and brought them back to my boss, and she said “miranda, these are for you.” and i said “no they’re not.” but they were. i was very embarrassed.
i ordered chinese from our favorite place and we watched movies on the couch most of the night. we slept in on saturday, and then we went to see friday the 13th. i didn’t expect it to be good, but i didn’t think it would be THAT bad. then we went to lunch. then we went back to my house and took a nap and watched spiderman 3.
then he left for his show, and i put on pjs and hung out the rest of the night.
i’ve been nervous about tonight all week. i finished the shrimp dip and brownies last night. we are having everything pork chops with red potatoes and green beans. i realized we didn’t have proper cloth napkins, so i went out and bought them and a new table cloth, bc we don’t have an iron, and my mom is like that. i bought tulips for the bathroom and figured we’d put the roses on the table. i made my step dad iced tea bc he drinks it with every meal at home.
i’m anxious. i know it is just me. and i actually think things will go pretty great. it is just the initial introductions that are tricky. plus i got some wine, i’ll have a glass before, so that i will simmer down while dinner simmers.
wish me luck.
good god. i don’t know what came over me yesterday, but i was exchanging emails with my mother, and mentioned vegas, and casually segued into “he’s been around 4 months, i guess you should meet him. can i make us all dinner one night?”
jesus. then she writes back, in shock i’m sure, that they can do monday. monday. MONDAY!
vegas is meeting my mom on monday. dear lord.
now, i’ve met his parents 3 times. but, he was “pro meeting the parents” from 3 weeks in. and i can see why. his parents are nice. i was instantly comfortable.
ok, that may not be SO fair. my mom went thru a tremendous amount as a single mother and now that she is happily married, and we are all out of the house, she fancies herself a little bit of a love guru. which is very irritating.
and to be 100% honest, i resent her for not flying out to texas the minute she found out what my ex did. i know i was a grown up then, as i am now, but i was scared and alone, and i needed my mother. and she didn’t come. she is also the only person my ex still contacts about little things still being processed in the divorce and it is always uncomfortable when they come up. that is to be expected. what isn’t expected or appreciated is when she says things like “you know, he can really be pretty wonderful” in regards to my ex. no, he isn’t. wonderful people don’t abuse the people they “love.” a wonderful person wouldn’t hurt your daughter.
needless to say, my relationship with my mother has been strained in the 2 years i’ve been back. when she calls, i often ignore it, bc i don’t know what kind of conversation it is gonna be. if it is going to be accusatory or upsetting or just a call to see what i’m up to.
and now she’s going to meet the first man i’ve really cared about since, and i’m terrified. my sister doesn’t get it, bc my sister doesn’t know everything. then again, my mom doesn’t know everything either. why would i tell them? after they said that i should keep “giving counseling a chance.” i didn’t want to go into detail and make them understand. it was horrible enough once.
i walked away with post traumatic stress disorder, a perpetual migraine, sleeping and anxiety disorders. and i still feel lucky that i’m kinda ok. i’m trying to move forward, and trying to be happy.
the reality of it is that it is me. it is me that has the issues introducing vegas to family. mostly bc it means i’m ready to do “family like things.” i don’t mean like move in or get a pet or anything. but little things. share weekends, take my nephews to the movies, make plans. making plans for months in advance. because i feel like he’ll be around. because family always is.
geez, this blog got away from me.
