evidence of my former life

we had a yard sale this past saturday.  i’d been meaning to go thru some boxes but had been dreading it.  my hope chest and about 4 other boxes were full of stuff i hadn’t looked at since they were shipped from my ex.

ex husband.  ex home.  ex life.

i opened my hope chest, a gift from my nana, to see scarves i’d collected from all over the world.  then i see frames which i quickly looked at, and depending on the photo, i either smiled at or flipped over, removed the picture from the frame, ripped it up and put the frame in a bin for sale.

i saw several perfumed waxes from turkey, soapstone figurines from greece, and other treasures that i’d blocked out with all the bad that had visited me in the last 4 years.

i pulled on what i thought was a scarf, but it was my wedding veil, which quickly went into the trash bag so i wouldn’t have to see it anymore.  there were more pictures from my wedding.  people who were no longer my family.  i threw them out.  i don’t even feel bad about it.

there was a framed picture of my ex and me at our wedding.  i looked only long enough to see that he had crushed the glass and decided to send it to me anyway.  thank goodness the frame was there, and not me, to receive that dose of anger.

and that was the worst of it.  i packed the stuff up, threw it away.  cried just a bit.  and went to see vegas.

i realize that i’ve blocked a lot of good out with the bad.  but honestly, i think the bad outweighs the good and puts everything in its shadow.  i have a hard time compartmentalizing that time in my life, and it is easier for me to pretend it never happened than to acknowledge that there were small bits of happiness that occurred.

there are small things that remind me, i try not to think of them.  in a situation like this, i think it was better that i deal with it, so i don’t have to again.  that may be cowardice, but it’s working so far, and i don’t know what else to do.

the EXACT same ring

this is weird.  i mean, i think it is. 

my stepbrother proposed to his girlfriend with the exact same ring my ex used to propose to me. 

he never saw the ring, it isn’t like he did it on purpose.  but i was taken back.

i hope it works out better for them.

hannah montana, puhhhlease.

i read an article yesterday debating whether or not miley cyrus is a good role model for teens.  the article basically said that she is experiencing her teenage years differently than most kids, and for the most part she’s doing alright, considering what she is up against.  the general consensus was that she was an acceptable icon because she has promised not to have sex before marriage.

well, excuse me. 

having had men that i’ve slept with and those i haven’t you HAVE to admit that after sex there is a different kind of bond after engaging in intercourse.  (i hate the word “intercourse,” btw, i’ll never use it again.)

i, for one, think this is a horrible plan.  i’m not saying that you can’t be attracted, or feel chemistry, but sex builds a physical and emotional bond that is strong and there isn’t anything wrong with that.  sex is good for your self confidence and at managing your stress levels. 

i’m not saying kids should have sex with anyone and everyone, that isn’t what i mean. 

when i was in high school, i was still kinda religious, and i wanted to wait until marriage.  but when i got to college, and i was away from day to day influences and really got to think for myself and make adult decisions, i couldn’t figure out a reason sex was so bad. 

so then, my expectation changed from “marriage” to “someone who cared about me.”  and when i found that, i slept with the guy!  and it was great.  well, i don’t imagine the first time is ever great, but it got great.    

i guess what i’m getting to here is that sex is important.  it is a way you get to know your partner intimately.  i think in the bible when they describe maidens as women who’ve “never known a man” it is accurate. 

i failed at marriage and i’m good at most things save bowling and basketball.  what i’m trying to say, is every little bit helps.  it is hard to say you are going to be with someone forever, even when you know them inside and out, literally.  why not stack your deck?  why not find out if this person likes the same kind of sex you do?  i think we’ve all had sex with someone and then felt more distant from them than before the encounter.  then you never go out with them again.  but what if you are stuck by a legally binding commitment?  then what?

because i can’t imagine anything worse than marrying some guy and on your wedding night, having awkward, quiet sex, not knowing what you want, or what to ask for. 

being unfulfilled and feeling regretful. 

don’t we experience that enough?  shouldn’t we be able to free ourselves with our lovers?

i guess as long as kids are safe, then i’m pro-premarital sex.  it is a big deal, and should be treated with reverence and respect.  so let’s teach our kids to be humble, respect each other, protect themselves, and to make good decisions.

 

***i was going to tag this post with miley cyrus and hannah montana, but i don’t want a gazillion 13 year-olds coming to this blog.  this isn’t a kids’ site. 

***vegas will be out of town this weekend….so, i’m free for the girls!  violetta, i’ll help you move on sat.  and i can’t wait for dinner with juliet on thurs.  anyone want to go to my bro’s soccer game on sunday?  i’m leaving at 1pm after yoga, i’ll drive.

common courtesy in the workplace

my mother taught me to mind my manners and my business, not sure what she taught desdemona, but that is what i grew up with.

i’ve also been groomed to keep personal and professional worlds separate.  and i know there are times these worlds collide, but for the most part, i feel like i do a pretty good job compartmentalizing my life.

i don’t put pictures up of my family or friends on my desk.  i divert questions that are personal in nature away from me and re-route them back to the  person who asked in a non personal fashion.  usually they get the point.  they realize that i’m uncomfortable disclosing this kind of information in a professional environment.

well, one of the vice presidents of the company has taken a liking to me.  he comes and sits on a couch in my office, more frequently when the c-level execs are out of town, and asks me many questions that often start out professional but progress to topics that are personal in nature.

i don’t even know how we got on the topic of my late marriage, but i was unable to stop it.  it was horrible.  and he kept prying.  and it was a mix of my subordination and general need to be courteous to co-workers that left me unable to break topic.  ugh.  i would not have been out of line to simply say “mr. mccurious, i don’t see how this topic lends itself to corporate efficiency,” “or, excuse me, nosy nosalots, but i am very busy and i think this is poor use of my time.”

but i didn’t.  ugh.

wouldn’t you stop asking questions if you saw you were making someone uncomfortable?  and wouldn’t the topics of divorce and failed marriage be reserved for the closest of friends?  

when he asked “what happened? it seems like 4 years is plenty of time to be sure that you could ‘make it.’” i stopped him and said.  “well, you never know what is going to happen and what will change someone.  i’ve got to make a call, please excuse me.”

and finally he went away.  geez.  this was yesterday, and thankfully today he’s been notably scarce.  i guess he realized that he was being inappropriately inquisitive.

 

***last night vegas came over and we had grilled chicken salad and watched house.  i was so tired.  i could barely keep my eyes open past 9pm.  i went to bed before him, he was finishing some writing.  he joined me a few minutes later and put on curb your enthusiasm.  i love larry david.  i wasn’t sleeping.  just tossing and turning and he came to bed and i finally relaxed.  we rolled around, i think we were half asleep when we started.  it was passionate and tender,  but honestly i could do without hearing larry david’s voice during sex.  ha.  today he sent me an article about “what your sleeping position says aboutyour relationship.”  or something.  it is nice that he is still thinking about me into the day.  because i’m thinking about him.  so.  that is that.