can i make you lunch?

it’s been a few weeks since i’ve written.  i’ve been out of town and really busy with work.  

so………..still with vegas.  things are good.  sex is fantastic. 

a few weeks ago, i stayed over there on a work night and woke up the next morning.  i was getting dressed, and he asked me if he should make me a lunch.  i said “sure.”

so he hands me a bag.  kisses me goodbye and off i go.

i look into the bag to see what is instore for me, and find the following packed:  a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, an apple, a gatorade and 4 thin mint cookies.  ha.  what a great lunch!  what a good boyfriend!

i found it adorable.  i cook for him all the time, and usually it is pretty gourmet, but just that he was thoughtful and made an effort and wanted to make lunch for me was pretty tremendous.

the older brother’s birthday party

the older brother invited me to his birthday party and i asked if it iwas ok if i brought along a few girls with me.  vegas had a show and i figured why not.  so i grabbed violetta and juliet and tasked them to bring up vegas when the older brother was around. 

juliet said she had only seen parties like this on tv.  ha.  it was like being back in college.  beer pong, a keg outside, the game on the tv, but cheesy 80’s ballads and the beach boys on the stereo.  at one point older bro muted the music, picked up an acoustic guitar and sang a horribly crude, but mildly amusing, song to ”for all the ladies.”

older bro was talking about sushi, and violetta interjected “does vegas like sushi?”  and i said “i don’t know, we’ve never been to sushi, he’s kinda a meat and potatoes kind of guy.”

yes!  nothing else was said, but i think he picked up on it. 

we stayed for a little over an hour, then left.  it was good.  it was nice to meet some different people.  it was fun.

 

***vegas and i actually got to hang out a lot this weekend.  fri night we had dinner and a movie over at my place.  sat i brought him lunch and we hung out for a few hours before his show.  and sunday we saw monsters vs aliens, which was hilarious.  and then we watched 4 episodes of gordon ramsay’s kitchen nightmares.  it has been nice.

two beer lunch

so, i met this guy when i first got back to the area through a friend of a friend.  he basically has been begging to go out with me for a year, and in the last 6 months become a big reader of one of my blogs (obviously not this one) and continues to pursue. 

a few weeks ago he asks me if i have a day available for lunch…and i say “sure, why not?  how about monday?”  and he says “mondays can be tricky for me, but i’ll do my best.”

monday came around and i texted him around 9am “where do you want to grab lunch?”  and he writes back “i have a call in maryland around 1pm today, is there another day that is good?”  and i reply “wednesday 145ish will work for me.”  and he replies “awesome.” 

no big deal. 

on wednesday i text him around 9am “is today still good?  where do you want to go?” 

he replies “today is great.  where do you want to go?”

i say “i’d prefer to stay restonish.  how about on the border?  paolo’s?  macaroni grill?”

he writes back “on the border, 145.”

cool.

at 147 i text him “i’m at the light at reston pkwy and temporary, sorry i’m late, i’ll be there in a minute.”

he calls and says “i just got off the toll road, i’m on reston parkway, i’m right behind you.  grab a table and order me a tecate.” 

ok.  done.

so, i’m at a table in the bar.  watching the olympic ping pong match and sipping on my unsweet tea. 

at 2 he calls me and says “i don’t see you.” 

this guy is 6′5″ish and i look around and say “i don’t see you either.”

and he says “oh my god, i’m at rio!  i can’t believe it.  i’m on my way, i’m really sorry.”

he picked the restaurant and went to the wrong one.  ok ok ok.  he’s probably stressed, nervous, who knows.

215 he finally shows.  he is markedly frustrated with himself and i reassure him that i’m not mad, i’m not in any hurry, so no big deal.

he sits down, picks up a menu and says “how does this work?” and drops it back down on the table.

hmmm.  this should be interesting.  i smile and  say “well, lunch specials are here, if that is what you mean.”

surely he’s encountered a menu before, right?

well, then he says “i’m so flustered, i’m not going to order, i’m not even hungry.”

and i say “well, it is 215, and i’ve barely eaten all day, so i’m eating.”

i order tacos, he orders another beer. 

conversation is strained, he does most of the talking as i try to gracefully eat the worst food item to order on a date.  i have food falling out one end of the taco as he sips on his beer, and i don’t care.  i’m not going out with him again, i mean, come on.

well, he has to be somewhere at 4, so it is a clean exit, i pull out my card to pay, and he doesn’t let me.  he pays for my lunch and apologizes again for being late.  that was nice.  i’m pretty sure he knows it hasn’t gone well, because he kinda surrenders to his car.

first dates are interviews.  you don’t wear a dirty shirt, you try and put your best foot forward, you try to impress.  i was always told to mimic the person who is interviewing you:  handshake, volume, body language….all of it.  well, he not eating, that just made me feel awkward.  it was a “lunch date” so, order an appetizer or something, don’t eat it, and save it for later. 

and i’m late for almost everything….but never for interviews, work or first dates.

***thanks to T for the name on this one.

the columbian

i met the columbian freshman year in college.  he was a friend of a friend,  a few years ahead of me, 21 and no good.  during the first 2 years of college i didn’t drink at all.  i’m sure i was the only one.  really, i think i was the only one at virginia tech who didn’t drink.  people would ask me if i was religious, and i’d say “no.” so then they’d think i was a rehab case….i was just more interested in making sure my friends were safe.  i was the designated driver everywhere, i was fun, i danced and hung out, but just didn’t engage in the drinking.

i met the columbian and he and i had some serious chemistry.  he is still one of the most beautiful men i know.  he is the kind of guy girls write songs about.  shakespeare would have written a play about him.  he has dreamy thick black hair, tan olivy skin and the most entrancing blue eyes i’ve ever looked into.  i felt like when he looked at me he could see my soul and that he was one of the few people who actually saw me.  i loved to hear him say my name.  i felt like he was the only one who could say my name right. 

one night, we were out and crashed at one of the matt’s house.  he was drunk, we were on the futon and i didn’t put up too much of a fight.  he was charming and SO hot and i loved his hands all over me.

we were never “together.”  i made out with other guys, he with other girls, but we both kept coming back to each other.  we spent many nights together and i saw another side of the columbian.  he would drink so much and black out every weekend.  there were times i wrestled bottles of liquor away from him because i was afraid of the volume of liquor that he was consuming.  strangely, i was one of the few people who could get thru to him.

in these drunken states he would say things like “you know me like no one else,  “you and i have the same heart,” and “you and i would be so great.”  and in the same breath he would say “i hate you, miranda, i hate you” in the most horrible voice you can imagine.  i never knew what to believe.  eventually i distanced myself from him, believing he wasn’t able to get close to anyone romantically.  we remained good friends, great friends, best friends.  we were constantly together.  it was him, one of the matts and me.  i watched his pup when he was away, i met his family.  we became buddies, but occasionally he would regress. 

i remember one night on his girlfriend’s birthday, he pulled me aside and said “remember today, when we saw that acident on 460 and you said ‘i hope no one was hurt?’” and i said “um, yeah.”  he said “that is why i love you, there is no one else like you and i love the way your heart is.”  i will never forget that night.  i walked away, pulled away from him, embarrassed for his girlfriend at the intimate way he spoke to me.  and the way he looked at me….it made me weak.

he graduated, his parents moved, i lost my phone with his number and we lost touch.

when i moved back to the area, i met him and his girlfriend of 6 years.  she is nice, sweet, and utterly forgettable.  i hate to say it.  i didn’t remember her name until i was in a yoga class with her.  i don’t understand why or how they got together, but it doesn’t matter, not really.  he looks the same and he looks at me the same.  he sees me.  he knows me.

we hung out for awhile.  i would say i saw him twice a month.  he would text message me across the table while his girl was there “you are the best person i know.”  he is still impossible but at least he doesn’t drink like he used to.

we have a few lunches alone, just him and me.  he tells me about problems in his relationship and how unhappy he is.  i tell him how i am still realizing how hard life will be going forward.  it gets deep, awkward.  we don’t know where to leave it.

eventually he stops hanging out.  i don’t think he can manage his feelings and i think he feels guilty.  so i give him space.  i feel like it is only fair.  when you know someone else needs room, you should give it to them.  that is what i do.

i haven’t seen the columbian in almost 9 months.  i miss him.  but as a friend. i am 100 percent ok with being his friend.  we had SO many chances to be together and there is a reason it never worked out.

i just hope at some point we can be friends like we used to be and that he will be ok with that.

exit strategy

i think the exit strategy is the key to happiness.  i employ one for almost every obligation i enter into.  i don’t always use it, but i always have one.

there are a few ways you can use the exit strategy.  i suggest introducing it early, when you get there, for example, and then everyone knows what to expect.  you have helped manage their expectations of you for the course of the obligation.  then, if you are having a remarkable time and you decide to bail on the exit strategy, they are flattered and know you want to be there. 

you can do the surprise exit strategy, but that is sometimes forced and looks less than candid.

i work very early every day, so i can always bail saying i’m tired or have to get up early….and it is true.  my dogs can always use walking or feeding.  ”i’ve got a thing” is one of my favorites.  and i think sometimes saying “it is time for me to go” is good enough.  no further explanation is needed. 

that is mostly why i only go on lunch dates with guys i don’t know if i like yet.  there is usually no drinking, there is no kissing after a lunch date, well, none i’ve been on recently, and when it is done, it is done.  i get in my car, he gets in his and we go back to our lives.  i get to decide if i want to see him again.

dating is hectic and stressful and there is a time when you will want to make a graceful exit and it is not graceful to say “i am SO tired of talking to you” or “do you really have no idea that you have mustard on your face, use your napkin, i’m sick of looking at it, goodbye.”  now, i don’t think it is nice to be untrue, but it is also unnecessary to wound a guy’s ego.  and honestly, it is easy to do, so, i suggest be kind.  make the focus of why you are leaving not about the guy if it possible.  i find it usually is. 

 i’ve been amazed the times a guy has asked to see me again after some horrible dates….i’ve wanted to say “really?  after that?  after you talked about hunting deer and debating abortion, you want a round two?”  but i didn’t, because chances are good that our paths will cross again, and i don’t want to be the bad guy.  if he asks you to go out again, it is ok to say “i don’t think this is gonna work out, but good luck with everything.  i’m sure i’ll see you around.” 

you can think it is crappy, but i use an exit strategy all the time.  i use it on thanksgiving, once all the dishes are done, so i can go grab a drink with my friends.  i use on on christmas eve to bail at my grandparents’ house because i have a dinner at my place for friends who can’t see their fams on christmas.  i use it for birthdays, baby/bridal showers, barbeques, all kinds of things that i try to limit my time at. 

i see it this way: no one wants you somewhere if you don’t want to be there, and no one wants to be with some one who doesn’t want to be with them. 

so, enjoy it while you are there, and as soon as you are done with it, get out.  it isn’t so bad to have people miss you and leave them wanting more.

first round draft pick

i met this guy at a bar.  i was out with juliet and we were just having a few beers before our favorite bar got too crowded on a friday night.  he approaches us, asks to use juliet’s lighter, makes a weird statement how he feels like white lighters are sanctimonious or something, and we can’t shake him.

he is funny, charming, a little bit jack-blackish and neither of us really minded his company.  his personality is a bit aggressive, but mine is too probably. 

at one point he says “i like a woman with some meat on her bones” and takes that as his season pass to stare at my boobs the rest of the night. 

i would say we are hanging out for about an hour and he comes up to me and says “you know, i’m gonna be leaving soon.”  and i say “ok.”  and he then asks me for my number and i actually got the impression that he wasn’t going to leave without it.  so i concede. 

that weekend i’m particularly busy with babysitting, cooking, visiting some friends up in baltimore and attending an art festival.  i am very unavailable.  but he texts me all weekend.  invites me to go swimming, come over and watch a movie, and to go out for a drink.  and i decline. 

the next wednesday i agree to have lunch with him.  he takes me to a local hole in the wall kebab house.  very good food and we laugh the entire time.  it was a GREAT lunch date.  my impression of him completely changed from “ignore him enough and he’ll go away” to “i bet this guy would be SO fun to date.”

he invites me to go to this VIP meet the redskins thing with him.  i’m not that excited.  the skins aren’t my team and i feel like i would have to study up so i don’t look like an idiot.  so i say “no” and he says “well, if you change your mind, let me know.  you are my first round draft pick.”  hmmmm.  that is catchy.

well, i don’t go.  and that following monday i find out that the place my sis and i were supposed to move into in 10 days won’t be available.  the contract on the house they were buying fell thru and our current lease is still up in 10 days.  so, we have less than 2 weeks to find a place for us and our two dogs to live.  ugh.

all the suitors and all the dates are moved to the back burner.  instead of leisurely lunches,   i’m looking at potential quarters, i’m stressed, i’m so stressed, i haven’t been this stressed in awhile.  well, first round draft pick doesn’t seem to get it.  bob the builder understands and he invites me over to use his internet, sends me links, gives me advice and is trying to help.  bob scores mega points during this week, he is the home team favorite.

anyway, i square things away.  desdemona and i move and first round draft pick invites me out for his 30th birthday.  things are still unsettled in my universe, and i’ve kinda cooled off this guy, so i’m hesitant.

i ask him what he is doing.  and he says “well, i’m having three parties.  one downtown friday, one at a friend’s house saturday and a happy hour on the actual birthday which is wednesday.” 

ok, first of all, who has three birthday parties?  who are you?  how am i supposed to be busy all of those days and bail out gracefully?  i agree to go to the wednesday happy hour.  i figure it is the actual day, so he’ll be wasted, it is a wednesday, so i’ve gotta work the next day, good exit strategy.  and if i can, i’m gonna go straight from this happy hour to see bob at that thing i always go to on wednesdays.

that is the plan.  i get there around 745 and plan to leave by 830.  i walk into the bar, he is there with about 12 of his boys.  there are some girls sitting at tables around, but i don’t think they are with him, so it is me and a bunch of dudes.  of course.  i drink my beer, make the rounds, laugh, i am nice, i am social and friendly.  845 rolls around and i attempt to bail.  i say “hey, i’m gonna get out of here, thanks for inviting me.  i hope you have a great birthday.”  well, that would just be too easy.  he is drunk and makes a huge scene.  he says “no!  don’t go!  i never see you!  we’re about to go to paolo’s!  you love paolo’s!  come on!”

now i’m horrified, embarrassed, and the center of attention for anyone within earshot of the bar.  it was just like a movie where it got quiet and someone drops their glass and four or five people turn to them and say “shhh!”"  you really think i’m gonna stay now?  really?  i tried to “laugh” it off but basically threw my hands up in the air and backed away slowly.  it was at this point i realized i’d never want to be alone with this guy.

so the next day.  i’m google-chatting away and this legendary conversation takes place:

frdp:  “hey, you left kinda abruptly last night, is everything ok?  was i an ass?”

me:  “no way man.  i just saw you were with your boys, seemed like you guys were in a groove, and i just thought you should be with them on your bday.”

frdp:  “ok, cool.  you looked really great last night, i’m glad you came out.  do you wanna grab a pizza?”

me:  “sorry, today is a bad day.  i’ve gotta stop by the condo, walk the pups, and run by target before i babysit in an hour.”

frdp:  “oh, right.  you are always so busy.  wanna go get pancakes?”

me:  “um.  well.  that sounds really nice and i do love pancakes, but it isn’t really the food item as much as the circumstance…i still have to do all those things i said before.”

and we talk for a bit more.

frdp:  “i really want to see you.  how bout we go get some fajitas?”

me:  “ok.  i don’t know what you want me to say here, but i already told you i cannot go and eat lunch with you today.”

frdp:  “i want you to say you’ll call in sick and come have lunch with me.”

me:  “well, i kinda think that is a lot for you to ask of me.”

frdp:  “why?”

me:  “because we’ve had lunch.”

frdp:  “whoa.  relax.  it is not like i want to have kids with you, i just want to have lunch.”

me:  “well that is good.  i hope you enjoy your day off, i’m gonna go.”

a few hours later i get a text from him that says “hey!  i’ve got something for you.  do you like walnuts?”

and i’m not even kidding.  i couldn’t make this up.  he asks me out probably 8 more times over the next few weeks i say “no” the first 3 times and i am busy every time after.  i eventually tell him i am getting back together with “this guy i’ve been on an off with for a few months.” 

and now he only writes me about football.  thank goodness.