economic identity

as i was walking to my apartment from my car yesterday, i realized i was the epitome of economic confusion.

it was actually humorous if i ignored the relevant implications on society. 

i hadn’t worn a jacket to work yesterday, and we got a bit of a cold snap, so on my way home i put on my virginia tech sweatshirt over a gray frilly work shirt.  juliet was coming over for dinner, and we had talked about having fish.  i stopped at the whole foods to see what is on sale which was precisely nothing.  nothing on sale and i was trying to spend less than $10 on dinner because things will be tight until friday.  hmmm.

so, i get a baguette and my new favorite “mammoth cheddar” and move on.  i was gonna stop by the super fresh anyway and get some tomatoes, so, that is where i head to next.

the super fresh is an international market where they have all kinds of food i’ve never seen before.  spiky produce and mini eggplants and giant pears.  half the labels aren’t in english but i do pretty well.  most of the time. 

i’m looking thru their fresh fish and they have much more of a selection.  and i believe it is fresh because of the tanks and the loads of other people in line.  so it has to be turning, because all these other people can’t afford to shop at whole foods either.  the cat fish looks good.  juliet is bringing over a lemon linguine and i can make a small tomato basil salad.  i get two whole fillets.  we’ll split one and if desdemona is home, there will be enough for her too. 

the cost $7.  yes! 

finally mostly done with my day, i park, and collect my things and walk in.  i look down at myself and see me wearing a sweatshirt, dress pants and kenneth cole flats.  in one hand, my coach purse and the free promo bag that i now carry my laptop in.  in the other hand, the whole foods and super fresh bag.

and me.  feeling  old and young, still holding onto my twenties but flirting with 30.  being pleased with the amount of my paycheck, and dismayed at how quickly it seems to go out to this bill and that bill.  doting on fine things but relishing in comfort and the ability to make money stretch. 

i wonder if i’ll ever be able to buy a house.  the divorce ruined my credit, and having to put down 20 percent for a place seems impossible. 

i guess things got pretty bad for me in september, that is when i first thought hard about leaving the clinic.  since then i’ve hardly been out.  once a week, twice a week, maybe.  things have been better since i took my new job in february.  but i’ve retained the lessons about living lean.  i make it count.  if i go out once a week, i can spend $20.  and few things make my world turn like dinner and a beer with juliet and violetta. 

i guess one of the scariest things is that i’m one of the lucky ones.  me.  i’m not going to lose my car or house, i can fill up my gas tank (thank goodness it isn’t $4 a gallon anymore).  i have a good job that is secure, and if something happened and desdemona lost her job, i could support us.  it would be tight. but i could do it.

no more mammoth cheddar and we’d probably have to sell our coach and tiffany’s, but who are we to have that stuff anyway? 

i think the situation is horrible but some of the outcomes are good.  the conditions have made it easy and acceptable to say “i’m sorry, i can’t afford to ____ right now.”  i think there is less pressure to spend and a return to the kitchen table.  which is always good.  real conversations, board games, rock band nights. 

so, likely, i will continue to drink cheap wine out of nice glasses.  eat what is local and in season. mix inexpensive food with gourmet cooking techniques and enjoy things slower and longer.  enjoy the quiet. enjoy my friends.

because when it comes to friends, i feel very wealthy and very fortunate.

vegas

i’ve known vegas for almost a year now, and nothing has progressed until recently.

so, vegas got my number from wesley.  i never gave it to him, but he never asked either.  vegas wanted to meet up with us for wesley’s birthday and i was doing the planning.  i chastised brad for giving out my number, i would never give a friend’s number out without their permission…but anyway, that is how he got my number and from that incident spawned a gross amount of texts.

we flirt, text each other and email probably at least 10 times a day.  every day.  we talk about the people we are dating…i actually give his girls nicknames too.  he is currently juggling “the barber” and “piper.” 

mostly we make fun of each other, but there is always a flirty tone.  he says things like “can i say yes to you?” and when i was sick, he offered to bring me soup and i said “ugh, no, i am a mess and sound like an 80 year old man with emphysema”  and he says “that is what i’m into!  hot!”  he is really funny, and i enjoy his company.

we do this texting/emailing thing exclusively.  he never calls me, i never call him.  well the first time he called when he was in vegas with 3 of his buddies and it was memorial day weekend.  he actually said “come with me” when he told me about the vegas trip…and i considered it.  he is drunk.  really drunk.  and he calls and is flirting and telling me about pete rose, and i was out of town and visiting a friend and we had been on the beach and drinking for hours.  anyway, since then we talk occasionally on the phone.

it is kind of an interesting balance of friendship and flirting.  there have been times when i was sure that he was asking me out, but then he would cancel or rescind the invite before i could say “yes” or “no.”  we go out mostly with mutual friends, watch some football together, and a few weeks ago he asked me to have a beer with him.  it is just him and me.  first time we’ve ever done something alone.  well, without our friends around.  and it is good.  i have a beer, he orders quesadillas.  we chat, for about an hour, it is nice, easy, we laugh a lot.  we are there for about an hour, then we go our separate ways.

then i go over there this past sunday to watch the last game at yankee stadium and then “the replacements” until 2am.  he walks me to my car, tells me he wants to taste some of my famous quesadillas and i say “well, i’d invite you over, but you’ll probably  just cancel anyway.”  and he says “no, this week, wednesday.”  and i say “but we have that thing on wednesday,”  and he says “no we don’t, we’re having dinner.”  i agree, get in my car and wonder how that happened.

i love when guys have enough confidence to assume that you will go along with what they say.  i don’t want it to seem that i like people telling me what to do, that isn’t it.  but he’s come up to me while we were out and said “let’s get out of here, let’s just go.” and i would’ve if i didn’t have someone there who was counting on me for a ride.  he can be quiet, but he’s confident and nice.

he talks about family and the people he loves with such fondness.  he says things like “i’ll probably stop following the yankees in a few years when all my guys retire, and then i’ll follow them again when my kids take an interest.”  i get the distinct impression that he is looking for “the one,”  and i don’t know if i can be that for anyone. 

he is coming over wed for dinner, he’s confirmed it.  i don’t even know if it is a date, but i kinda think it is.  it is dinner and just the two of us.  we’ll see.

**in other news, i think i’m done with bob.  i’ve thought about it all ways, and i don’t think i want the stress of it anymore.  bob asked me if he was gonna see me on wed and i said “i don’t think so, i’ve got a thing.” and he says “who’s the lucky guy?”  oops.  he’s figured out my lingo?  how did that happen?  i mean, it is no secret i’ve been dating other people.  he’s the one who made it clear that he doesn’t want to continue things.  but, i guess it came down to seeing vegas or seeing him and i chose vegas, and it actually sounded like he was sad about it.