“a relationship doesn’t have to be permanent to be important”

my friend john told me this a long time ago and i just thought about it today.

when i look at the people and men that i’ve really cared about and those who’ve dropped out of my life for whatever reason, this is comforting.

i believe more in relationships than i do in god.  if i have to count on people, i trust those who’ve been there when i needed them, or wanted to be with me when i need them. 

but it is a truth that people come in and out of your life, and sometimes that’s all you get.  maybe you learn something, maybe you don’t.

but hopefully, you see a bit of yourself in that other person, and it makes the world a bit smaller and kinder to you.

because most friends don’t stick around forever.  most people will leave.  but if you find a few friends that are there when things are bad, and stick by you no matter what, you’ll be in good shape.

everything is good with me.  i was just thinking of this, and thought someone might need to hear it.

long distance relationships

so, my good friend p just broke up with his girl.  she was here temporarily and left about 6 weeks ago to go home to thailand.  p is upset.  i don’t blame him.  she is a great girl but once something goes long distance the dynamic of the relationship changes.  it has to.

p put it best when he said that bc there was a language barrier between them, most of their communication was non verbal.  and that wasn’t translating across the internet or over the phone.  how could it?

long distance relationships suck.  they are big hellos and sad goodbyes.  airports and making plans, but not living for right now.  everything, every hope is in the future.  and that sucks and it is hard.

he asked for my advice, how he could make it work and i said this “p, i’ve done the long distance.  i’ve slept alone, and i was always faithful, and i never minded being apart because i knew i’d be with him eventually.  well, eventually we got married and it still didn’t work.  we resented eachother and felt guilty for resenting eachother and i had completely fallen out of love with him.  and isn’t that an instance when it worked out the best it could?  we stuck out the long distance, and then got married, then we were long distance again, and we were strangers.”

and then i said “to be clear, that isn’t why the relationship ended.  but it didn’t make things better.”

to be honest, i’ll never go long distance again.  vegas had talked about moving to LA, and if he did, i wouldn’t go with him, and i’d end things.  i’m 29.  i hate sleeping alone.  and i’m not going to be tied down to hold onto something that mostly likely will not last.  and what is the best case scenario?

what is the most you can ask for in a long distance relationship?  that there are feelings deep enough that after months of not seeing eachother, you’ll still be in love? 

i know me.  and i’ve fallen out of love.  and i’ll never be in a long distance relationship again.

lots of love

vegas and i were in bed pretty much all weekend.  i went to his show on fri, went home with him, spent most of sat with him, then i went to babysit, he had another show, but he came over after.  sunday we stayed in bed until 11am and then got everything ready to go visit his parent for a few hours.  then we watched some tv, made some popcorn and relaxed.  then we went to bed and were up at 5am this morning….you know….being sexy.

well, i’m out of condoms, so i went on my lunch break to go pick some up.  and when i’m buying something that could be embarrassing, i pick something else up to cover the item of interest.  i know it is stupid.  i do the same thing with tampons and bad beer. 

well, i grab a pack of gum, i’m almost out anyway.  and stroll by the condom aisle as nonchalantly as possible.  it is like the worst aisle in target.  home pregnancy tests, condoms, all kinds of hoohaa medicine, foot fungus stuff.  yikes.  it would probably be hysterical to film that aisle and watch the footage bc everyone is very uncomfortable there.

well, target is out of the 12 pack of our condoms.  and even the three pack, which i don’t even bother buying anymore, but in a pinch, it would work.  well, i’m feeling empowered after the encouragement i received after writing “sex in bulk,” so i grab the 36 pack of condoms.  that is right.  hear me roar.

so, i put the condoms on the conveyer  belt, with the pack of gum on top.  the gum doesn’t even cover the condoms, but it still makes me feel more comfortable, so whatever.  and….of course, some drop-dead handsome guy gets in line behind me with nothing but a 3 pack of condoms.  ha!

the cashier sees what he is purchasing and looks at me and then looks at him, and her eyes get all wide, but she doesn’t say anything. 

meanwhile, i’m literally sweating, trying not to die or laugh or puke, and avoiding eye contact at all costs. 

i leave, and practically run out of target.

 

$13 for 36 condoms! if you can handle the other hot shoppers, then i highly suggest it.

 

so, we are def set for a few weeks.

who pays?

so i just got a new job.  i’m making a good bit more than previously and finally feel like i’m getting a grip on my financial situation.  i can breathe.  and it feels good.

well, vegas’s hours were cut by the firm.  he wasn’t laid off, but he’s still incurred a “standard of living change.”  usually he pays for most everything.  he doesn’t even let me.  he’s already bought the tickets when i get to the movies and he usually won’t let me buy the popcorn.  he is very generous.  well, i wanted to do something nice and buy us tickets to a yankee’s game in baltimore and he wouldn’t let me.  instead of going out to dinner i suggested me picking up a pizza on my way over to his place last week.  and he told me over and over that i didn’t have to and that he’ll get the next one. 

i mean,  it isn’t like he’s a mooch.  i’m just trying to make things easier.  am i emasculating him? 

let’s face it.  it is tough out there for everyone.  i feel fortunate to be in the position i am in and am 29.  independent.  stable.  and i’ve worked hard to get there.  so it is as hard for me to accept gifts of dinners or anything else as it is for him.  so what do i do?  i didn’t buy the yankee’s tickets, but next time i probably just won’t ask.  and that is probably worse. 

eh.  help!  advice?

the nose

so, i had a slow day at work last thursday and decided to look for an exboyfriend from a million years ago on facebook.  let’s call him “the nose.”  i’m calling him “the nose” because when i found a guy with his name that graduated the same year he did from his high school, i wasn’t sure it was him.  i wasn’t sure until i took a good look at his beak, and then i was sure.

don’t get me wrong, he didn’t have a huge nose or anything, but he has a beard now, he wears glasses, and when i thought about the pics of us, his nose was the pronounced feature i could recognize.

ok.  anyway.  i met the nose at kings dominion when i was 13.  it was absolute puppy love.  he wrote his phone number on a teddy bear that he had won and gave it to me.  he went to a high school across town and we maintained a relationship by mail and phone calls.  we were close, i felt connected to him.  he came to my confirmation, was the first guy to get me roses, he came to a murder mystery party that i thru.  he was pretty great.

he was the first guy who i made me feel alive sexually.  he was the first guy to kiss the back of my neck and kiss my ears and i was putty in his hands.  he was 2 years older and that made him even sexier to me.

he was also the first guy to tell me he was falling in love with me.  i don’t know what happened or why we ended it or who ended it…but it was over.

i couldn’t get him out of my head tho, there were several times i saw and called him after that.  i always felt like we were star-crossed or something.

so, i sent him a message on facebook, and asked him to be “my friend” and he accepted and then we started chatting back and forth.  he’s very local.  the next town over.  he asked me if i would meet him for coffee and catch up and i said “yes.”

that is ok, right?  i mean, it was 15 years ago…at least. 

right?  ugh. 

 

***in the meantime, vegas and i had an amazing weekend together.  we hung out friday at 3 to like 8 on sat.  then i hung out at his place from 3 to midnight on sunday.  we just chilled out, ate in, ate out, watched movies and rolled around in bed.  i think i laughed the entire time.  it was pretty perfect.

helen of troy

i know, i know.  kinda a weird name for a dude i’ve been involved with, but i was trying to think of a male  name in history that caused a war like this guy did, and i couldn’t.  so, he’s helen.  ok?  helen is a HE. 

clear?  ok.

helen was  a senior when i was a sophomore at tech and i met him thru the same bothersome roommate that introduced me to the golfer.  however, another of our roommates, patty, was apparently in love with helen.  well, i didn’t know this, and helen cornered me one night and kissed me and told me how much he liked me.  i was definitely flattered because helen (that one and this one) was known for his beauty. 

well, patty, was 24 or so, returning back to school after a hiatus, so you’d think she would have been the mature one in the house.  no, no, no.  this girl went nuts when she found out helen liked me.  helen and patty had gotten drunk and hooked up before.  and what was a drunk, meaningless interlude to helen, was a passionate expression of true feelings to patty.  when patty asked if anything happened with helen and me, i told her that he had kissed me and she didn’t talk to me for a week or so, and then started getting really bizarre.

i told helen i didn’t want to see him anymore, because i didn’t want it to adversely affect my home life, and he implored me to reconsider.  ultimately, what patty did was make helen forbidden fruit, and i was tempted.

not long after that, patty came home drunk and screaming.  i was in my room, door locked, and she came in and i heard things crashing, she banged on my door, yelling and then she went to the bathroom, and i grabbed my jacket and purse and ran out of the house.  where did i go?  you guessed it…. helen’s.

it wasn’t right, but i did.  and we had a great time, and kept having a great time until he graduated in may.  during that time, patty and my relationship deteriorated.  she wouldn’t talk to me, she locked herself in her room most of the time and gave me dirty looks or paid me no mind when we did see eachother.  i remember she once locked me out using the chain on the front door and i had to sneak in thru a window, she threw my pots and pans out on the lawn once, and she didn’t pay me for her last month’s bills.  of course. 

after that, helen and i were involved only on a “late night depending on availability” basis.  we were  great friends, it was never weird between us, and i liked him and he liked me, so it was never “just sex,” but it wasn’t much more.

when helen graduated he left the following message for me on our voicemail for everyone to hear.  “miranda, this is helen.  i just wanted to say thanks so much for an incredible year.  i’m so glad we were able to become close and stay close.  you are one of the best people i’ll remember in college and i’m sorry if i made things difficult for you.  i hope i made it worth it.  i hope this isn’t it and i hope i’ll see you again.”

i’ve never acted like patty, i never freaked out bc a guy didn’t like me.  sure, i’ve had my feelings hurt and there have been plenty of instances where i liked a guy more than he liked me, but i’ve never wished someone ill bc they made someone i cared about happier than i could.  sure i joke about “that hussy who stole my boyfriend” in high school, but it is all ok.  because i don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.  i don’t think anyone wants that, not really, not if you are honest with yourself.

 

***i don’t know how or when it happened exactly but i’ve fallen pretty hard for vegas.  things are so good and i’m happier than i can remember.  i also accepted a new job that will essentially double my earnings, which is awesome.  things are working out and coming together.  i’m hoping 2009 is my year.  in “road to recovery’s” blog, he reminded me that “nothing is scary and difficult forever,” so, i’m adopting that as my new dogma and facing forward, taking one step at a time.  and i love juliet, violetta and ophelia for being there with me every step of the way.

and…..it begins

so, after another weekend of sexy time with vegas, it begins.  he is trying to qualify our romance. 

ew.  i can’t believe i just typed “romance.”

obviously, i’m not sure where this is going.  i like him.  i enjoy being with him.  and i’m cool with hanging out, having sex, and seeing where it leads us.  if feelings develop, fine.

ew.  i can’t believe i just typed “feelings.”

he wrote an email to me today that says “what movie do you wanna watch on thurs?  and we actually have to watch this one.”

ok ok ok.  i know what he is doing.  he’s trying to figure out if this relationship, ugh, is viable without the sex.  but why would we not have sex?  when it is that good, why would you not do it?  that doesn’t make sense to me.

he’s taking me to the museums on sunday, then we are gonna go watch the giants’ game at 4 and then back to my place for dinner.  a total date day.  should be great.  i’m looking forward to all of it.  i really am. 

i guess the difference here, is that i’ve had the “big love.”  i’ve had the “mad love,” the “sad when he’s away love,” the “can’t get close enough love,” the “i’ll do anything for you love.”  i’ve completely lost myself in that. i forgot who i was.  and things got so bad that my light was pretty much out when i finally picked up and left. 

all for love.

i don’t know if i’m ready for that.  and vegas is a guy who it could happen with.  the same things are important to us.  we have fun, we cherish our families, we like to laugh, we are great friends, and we are different enough to keep things interesting.

i guess i’ll wait for the “so….what is this exactly?  are we dating?  am i your boyfriend?” conversation.