i herniated two discs in my back somehow over the past month. juliet was joking that it might be a sex injury, and frankly, i can’t rule that out.
but anyway, my mri is tomorrow. i’m pretty nervous. i’ve never had this done before. what i know, i’ve seen on house or grey’s anatomy. i’m going to be sucked into the big white tube thing. i’m guessing it makes a humming noise. i figure they’ll find something related to my injury, but what if they find something else?
that scares me. a lot.
my friend john told me this a long time ago and i just thought about it today.
when i look at the people and men that i’ve really cared about and those who’ve dropped out of my life for whatever reason, this is comforting.
i believe more in relationships than i do in god. if i have to count on people, i trust those who’ve been there when i needed them, or wanted to be with me when i need them.
but it is a truth that people come in and out of your life, and sometimes that’s all you get. maybe you learn something, maybe you don’t.
but hopefully, you see a bit of yourself in that other person, and it makes the world a bit smaller and kinder to you.
because most friends don’t stick around forever. most people will leave. but if you find a few friends that are there when things are bad, and stick by you no matter what, you’ll be in good shape.
everything is good with me. i was just thinking of this, and thought someone might need to hear it.
and not for any fun reason like you might be thinking.
i’ll be honest, i was exhausted. my good friend nicole and i went wine tasting that afternoon, ate a big lunch, then i went to vegas’s and had a beer and gatorade and we watched a movie and i was so tired. but i couldn’t sleep.
this whole weekend i’ve surrounded myself and distracted myself bc i can’t help thinking that it is my ex’s birthday today. it is just another day, but it was a day that held deep consequence for me for 7 years. and out of habit, or conditioning, maybe, i can’t get it out of my head.
this is probably unfair, but i feel like someone who gave CPR to a person who still ended up dead. as much as he didn’t deserve it and even though, i probably cause more self-injury by staying longer than i should have, i still feel guilty for failing at the relationship. not him. i hate him. but the life i had built, even though most of it was alone, i feel guilty for giving up. for admitting defeat and running for safety.
i also decided that i have to start forgiving myself for that, which makes me cry every time i think about it. i didn’t realize that part of me has been holding the other hostage until i admitted that i was punishing myself. as if he didn’t do enough or the divorce didn’t take enough out of me. part of me believed that was all i deserved and that was what my life was supposed to be. i honestly believed that it was my chance at love, and i blew it.
every time i think i’m getting so much better, things i don’t even realize are bothering me seem to blow up in my face. i know it is good that i’m admitting the pain and the guilt and accepting that and moving on, but it is not that easy. being strong and admitting vulnerability and wounds is hard. it is impossible.
“nothing is hard and scary forever” right? i just need to keep remebering that this will pass.
vegas and i finally watched wayne’s world last night. i haven’t watched it in years…pretty hilarious.
he said he wanted chocolate chip cookies, so i made him chocolate chip brownies. ha. i like being a little difficult. he was not disappointed. they were pretty amazing.
anyway, vegas finally kissed me. it was really nice. probably one of the best first kisses ever. nothing awkward, nothing weird, just a solid, intense, hot kiss.
last night, i’m out with some friends. wesley, ophelia, vegas and some others and i look down and see a missed call…..from who? oh yes…bob.
i’ve made a pointed effort not to contact him since sunday at the barbeque. i’m not really giving any of these other guys a fair shot while he is in my head, so i stop making the effort. i’ve put myself out there and he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to be with me, that is fine, but i’m done.
well, he hardly calls, we more text back and forth, so i get nervous that something might be wrong and i call him back.
the conversation the way wesley hears it is goes like this “hey, yeah, oh, i’m pretty good. i’m at clyde’s in tysons. yeah, i’ll be here for a bit. oh, uh, ok, see you in a few.”
so he comes, he offers to buy me drinks, is openly flirting and asking about a singles only party i’m throwing that he and some other of our friends are invited to. we laugh and it is nice to hang out with him.
i’m kinda uncomfortable. i’ve been so steadfast in trying to get bob out of my head, that i get irritated for enjoying myself too much. i wouldn’t let him buy me drinks, he offered, three times. ophelia, wesley and a bunch of other people leave and it is just vegas, bob, another guy and me. ugh.
geez.
i pay my tab, come back to the table, chat for a few minutes, and then leave. everyone gets a hug and a kiss on the cheek and i’m out.
so, i’ve been thinking. was i wrong? i mean, bob did everything i would want him to do.
*he contacted me without any provocation which means he was thinking about me.
*he went out of his way to see me.
*he offers to buy me drinks, and i never want guys to buy me anything, but the gesture is always nice.
*he is nice and charming and it was really fun.
and i was a hardass. i was distant and cool and nonchalant (well, i’m never really nonchalant, but i really try).
when i think about it, i’ve done this every step of the way with bob. he goes to cancun for a work thing, and asks me what i want and i say “don’t buy me anything.”
i’m telling him how i canceled on my step sis, bc i had a “thing” with him, and he says “is that what dinner and a movie is? a thing?” and i say “well, i never know what to call a ‘date.’”
ugh. brutal, huh?
but he’s done the same with me. he’s text me late and asked me what i am doing and i’ve written back “nothing really, want company?” which everyone knows is code for “let’s get naked.” and he’s written back “no, i think i’m gonna just chill on my own.” what? really?
so, what do you think? what is the verdict? is it hopeless? am i hopeless? or just romantically retarded?
