chemistry

vegas and i have chemistry like i’ve never experienced.  when we are together, it is like all the forces in the universe are willing us to be closer.  and then closer still.  it is ridiculous.  i almost think there is something wrong with us. 

the attraction is this primal draw to eachother.  i don’t even know how to describe it or what to think about it.  the sex is dizzying.  but it is more than sex.  it is obvious.  it is undeniable.

vegas gave me one of the best compliments i’ve ever received last night.  he said “miranda, sometimes when i’m kissing you, i don’t know where the f*** i am.”

ha.

he also told me he “needed me.”  vegas made it sound like an addiction.  he said “a few days without sleeping next to you and i’m going crazy and unable to think of anything else.”

i didn’t say i “needed” him back.  i told him that it seemed like forever since we were together last.  it was sunday night….precisely 3 days and it seemed like weeks.

i like him more than i thought i would, but at this point could still walk away relatively unharmed.  i don’t think he could.  i think he is more emotionally invested.  not that i’m saying i couldn’t get there, but the fact that i do care about him terrifies me.  my reservations and hesitation are primarily in the name of self-preservation.

the weekend

it started, good, great even.  vegas stayed fri night and we rolled around in bed all morning sat.  he asked me if i was seeing anyone else.  i said “no, did you think i was?” and he said “no, but i don’t want to be presumptuous.”  and i said “vegas, this is good, we are good, i don’t want to see anyone else.”  we said our goodbyes and he headed to fredricksburg and i went to a dear friend’s baby shower. 

i had juliet, violetta and some other girlfriends over for games, wine and movie night.  it was loads of fun. 

i was asleep by midnight, and sunday was the game with bob. 

well, vegas was essentially making me miserable about it.  i was excited about the game but nervous about the conversations and texts that i knew would accompany the experience.  it was my first pro ball game and i don’t know why i should feel guilty about looking forward to it. 

i get why vegas is uneasy about it.  but, bottom line, he said it was ok.  he said he was being selfish and that he understood why it was important to me to keep this promise to bob.  i don’t know how he could think i would let anything happen when he was in my bed 4 nights last week, but i guess i didn’t do a good enough job assuring him.  and i can understand his insecurity.  if the situation was reversed, i don’t know how cool i would have been.

it is bob and this guy chris in my car.  it is FULL with tailgating food, grill, coolers, lots of stuff.  the drive there was easy, fun, we were laughing and everyone was excited.  we get there, and it is cold.  i am freezing.  i am keeping warm by standing close to the grill and drinking captain morgans and coke.  bob offers me his scarf, he has an extra hat in the car, he is overall being very nice.  but he usually is.

we are walking up to the game, and it is crowded.  i get nervous, look around for bob, and can’t see him.  i don’t remember being this anxious about crowds, but i was VERY overwhelmed.  bob appeared and asked me if i was ok.  i was practically hyper ventilating at this point, but we got to our seats, i sat down and calmed  instantly.

skins lost.  that stinks.  i hate dallas for so many reasons.  the least relevant is their football team, but is a good target to project my anger.

we made it to the car, dropped the boys off, and i was home by 1230am.  not too bad.  i was so tired from being SO cold for 7 hours, i passed out and slept to noon monday. 

vegas apologized for not handling it gracefully and i asked to see him that night.

he came over and as soon as he came in he took my face in his hands, looked me in the eye, breathed heavily and kissed me.  if i had been standing, i’m sure my knees would have buckled. 

he asked “are we ok?”

and i said “yes.”

singles only cocktail party

i’m throwing this party on sunday.  singles only.  6 guys, 6 girls and me.

serving a gourmet nacho with shrimp, avocado and brie, marinated flank steak skewers, crab cakes, broccoli salad, a lemon mousse cake, chocolate chip brownies and my signature champagne sangria.

ophelia asked if there were any of my guy friends that i would set her up with, but honestly, that never works.  i’m setting myself up to be “in the middle” if things get bad, and i don’t want the pressure of it.

so, this party is my solution.  i’m inviting a gaggle of my single friends to get together, if they don’t already know each other, they can meet and be confident that no one is attached, and that will work well.  i think.

well.  vegas and bob are both invited.  as are 2 more guys that know BOTH of them.  and ophelia and violetta who have pretty much gotten the play by play details for both of these guys.  what a mess.  ha. 

i’ll confess that when i sent  out the invites 2 weeks ago, i still didn’t think anything would materialize between vegas and me.  i was still luke-warm on him and trying hard to forget bob. 

after another, yes, i know, i know, night of amazing making out and completely ignoring the movie we had put on, things are a little different.

the message attached to the invite said something like “if you are ‘involved’ or ‘it’s complicated’ i’m rescinding this invitation” which makes me feel a little conflicted.  with the numbers as they are, i feel like i can focus on food and facilitating conversation, but still.  i’m not going to say that vegas and i are ‘involved’ or ‘dating’ but the sheer volume of time spent and making out that we’ve been doing lately, would imply some kind of ‘messing around’ status.  does that work?

“hey, miranda, what is up with you and vegas?” a friend will casually ask.

“oh, we are just messing around, nothing serious,”  i’ll say. 

funny, that in the 7 months of ‘hanging out’ with bob, that is pretty much all i would say of it.  i wouldn’t let myself emotionally invest any deeper bc i just knew that there wasn’t anywhere to go and i know how bad he is for me.

hmm.  so.  i guess i have to get good at pretending there is nothing going on with vegas and me at least until after the party.  and if bob is expecting anything with him and me to happen, which he has made a few casual mentions of, he will be disappointed.  maybe it is his turn to be disappointed.