“a relationship doesn’t have to be permanent to be important”

my friend john told me this a long time ago and i just thought about it today.

when i look at the people and men that i’ve really cared about and those who’ve dropped out of my life for whatever reason, this is comforting.

i believe more in relationships than i do in god.  if i have to count on people, i trust those who’ve been there when i needed them, or wanted to be with me when i need them. 

but it is a truth that people come in and out of your life, and sometimes that’s all you get.  maybe you learn something, maybe you don’t.

but hopefully, you see a bit of yourself in that other person, and it makes the world a bit smaller and kinder to you.

because most friends don’t stick around forever.  most people will leave.  but if you find a few friends that are there when things are bad, and stick by you no matter what, you’ll be in good shape.

everything is good with me.  i was just thinking of this, and thought someone might need to hear it.

a hard time

i have a friend going thru a hard time, and consequently, some mutual friends and i are having a difficult time trying to support him.  it is tough when you see someone you love make choices that are unhealthy and self destructive.  i hate it.  and it’s really upsetting to me.

well, i told vegas a little bit about it, just because i needed someone to talk to on the outside, who doesn’t really know everyone involved, and he was really great.  i thought he might be judgemental and not understand why i was really upset but he just listened and held me close and then he told me a relevant situation of someone very close to him who had a similar problem.  i was really surprised at his anecdote bc it was about someone so close and bc it was something very intimate about him that must have been hard to share. 

it made me think how the most intimate things are not usually sexually oriented.  at least, not to me.  meeting family, discussing plans, people who’ve hurt me or loved me….when i talk about those things, that is very intimate to me.  i don’t casually put those things on the table, so that conversation is a testament to me being close to vegas.  he trusted me with this information that i’m sure he’s told very few people, and that is an honor and a privilege.

when it comes to the great conversations of your life, i think of probably different things than you do.  the first time a sibling or parent tries to talk you out of dating someone that everyone else knows is bad for you.  the conversation where you tell your spouse it is really over and you are packing your things and leaving.  the time your grandmother tells you how her inlaws made her feel unwelcome and inferior and how she’ll never make anyone else feel that way.  when you have to tell your nephews “well, he’s not your uncle anymore.” 

when i can share that level of information with you, when i can really be honest about the way other people make me feel, that is really intimacy for me.

not sure what to do

two of my very good friends had their marriage blessed on saturday.  these are two people i’d do anything for.  they are fierce friends and i’m so thankful they are in my life.  and they invited me to share in this beautiful ceremony on saturday and they invited vegas too.

i got the invite prob 2 months ago, and mentioned it to vegas and he said “he didn’t know.”  then the date got closer and i told him it was ok if he couldn’t go but i needed to tell them.  he said then “i don’t think i can.”  no prob, i responded saying i’d be solo.

so the weekend approaches and i ask him what he is doing on sat and he says “eh, not much, show at the drafthouse at 1030pm.” 

wtf.

so, it wasn’t that he “couldn’t go,” it was that he “wouldn’t go.”  or didn’t want to go?  i don’t know.  i don’t get it.

first of all, the blessing started at 6pm.  he could’ve stayed until 9pm then driven back and been in arlington in time for the drafthouse at 1030.

ok, i guess this is my issue:  what is the point of having a boyfriend, if he isn’t your date to weddings?  or to standard other stuff.  it has been 7 months, shouldn’t he want to go with me?

i mean, i guess if this is the only thing he’s really done wrong, than i can’t get that mad.  can i?  i guess it is the people too.  these are two people who i consider family, and a ton of my oldest, best friends were also there.  and he missed it.  for a crappy show, he missed it.

so what do i do?  i know i should ask him why he wasn’t there with me.  but what if he says something i don’t like?  i’m trying to think of an explanation that would end up with me not being upset about it anymore, but it is hard.  i don’t expect him to read my mind, but for something like this i didn’t think he’d need to. 

 

advice please.

economic identity

as i was walking to my apartment from my car yesterday, i realized i was the epitome of economic confusion.

it was actually humorous if i ignored the relevant implications on society. 

i hadn’t worn a jacket to work yesterday, and we got a bit of a cold snap, so on my way home i put on my virginia tech sweatshirt over a gray frilly work shirt.  juliet was coming over for dinner, and we had talked about having fish.  i stopped at the whole foods to see what is on sale which was precisely nothing.  nothing on sale and i was trying to spend less than $10 on dinner because things will be tight until friday.  hmmm.

so, i get a baguette and my new favorite “mammoth cheddar” and move on.  i was gonna stop by the super fresh anyway and get some tomatoes, so, that is where i head to next.

the super fresh is an international market where they have all kinds of food i’ve never seen before.  spiky produce and mini eggplants and giant pears.  half the labels aren’t in english but i do pretty well.  most of the time. 

i’m looking thru their fresh fish and they have much more of a selection.  and i believe it is fresh because of the tanks and the loads of other people in line.  so it has to be turning, because all these other people can’t afford to shop at whole foods either.  the cat fish looks good.  juliet is bringing over a lemon linguine and i can make a small tomato basil salad.  i get two whole fillets.  we’ll split one and if desdemona is home, there will be enough for her too. 

the cost $7.  yes! 

finally mostly done with my day, i park, and collect my things and walk in.  i look down at myself and see me wearing a sweatshirt, dress pants and kenneth cole flats.  in one hand, my coach purse and the free promo bag that i now carry my laptop in.  in the other hand, the whole foods and super fresh bag.

and me.  feeling  old and young, still holding onto my twenties but flirting with 30.  being pleased with the amount of my paycheck, and dismayed at how quickly it seems to go out to this bill and that bill.  doting on fine things but relishing in comfort and the ability to make money stretch. 

i wonder if i’ll ever be able to buy a house.  the divorce ruined my credit, and having to put down 20 percent for a place seems impossible. 

i guess things got pretty bad for me in september, that is when i first thought hard about leaving the clinic.  since then i’ve hardly been out.  once a week, twice a week, maybe.  things have been better since i took my new job in february.  but i’ve retained the lessons about living lean.  i make it count.  if i go out once a week, i can spend $20.  and few things make my world turn like dinner and a beer with juliet and violetta. 

i guess one of the scariest things is that i’m one of the lucky ones.  me.  i’m not going to lose my car or house, i can fill up my gas tank (thank goodness it isn’t $4 a gallon anymore).  i have a good job that is secure, and if something happened and desdemona lost her job, i could support us.  it would be tight. but i could do it.

no more mammoth cheddar and we’d probably have to sell our coach and tiffany’s, but who are we to have that stuff anyway? 

i think the situation is horrible but some of the outcomes are good.  the conditions have made it easy and acceptable to say “i’m sorry, i can’t afford to ____ right now.”  i think there is less pressure to spend and a return to the kitchen table.  which is always good.  real conversations, board games, rock band nights. 

so, likely, i will continue to drink cheap wine out of nice glasses.  eat what is local and in season. mix inexpensive food with gourmet cooking techniques and enjoy things slower and longer.  enjoy the quiet. enjoy my friends.

because when it comes to friends, i feel very wealthy and very fortunate.

exactly what i want

last night, i’m out with some friends. wesley, ophelia, vegas and some others and i look down and see a missed call…..from who?  oh yes…bob.

i’ve made a pointed effort not to contact him since sunday at the barbeque.  i’m not really giving any of these other guys a fair shot while he is in my head, so i stop making the effort.  i’ve put myself out there and he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to be with me, that is fine, but i’m done.

well, he hardly calls, we more text back and forth, so i get nervous that something might be wrong and i call him back. 

the conversation the way wesley hears it is goes like this “hey, yeah, oh, i’m pretty good.  i’m at clyde’s in tysons.  yeah, i’ll be here for a bit.  oh, uh, ok, see you in a few.”

so he comes, he offers to buy me drinks, is openly flirting and asking about a singles only party i’m throwing that he and some other of our friends are invited to.  we laugh and it is nice to hang out with him.

i’m kinda uncomfortable.  i’ve been so steadfast in trying to get bob out of my head, that i get irritated for enjoying myself too much.  i wouldn’t let him buy me drinks, he offered, three times.  ophelia, wesley and a bunch of other people leave and it is just vegas, bob, another guy and me.  ugh.

geez.

i pay my tab, come back to the table, chat for a few minutes, and then leave. everyone gets a hug and a kiss on the cheek and i’m out.

so, i’ve been thinking.  was i wrong?  i mean, bob did everything i would want  him to do. 

*he contacted me without any provocation which means he was thinking about me.

*he went out of his way to see me.

*he offers to buy me drinks, and i never want guys to buy me anything, but the gesture is always nice.

*he is nice and charming and it was really fun.

and i was a hardass.  i was distant and cool and nonchalant (well, i’m never really nonchalant, but i really try).

when i think about it, i’ve done this every step of the way with bob.  he goes to cancun for a work thing, and asks me what i want and i say “don’t buy me anything.”

i’m telling him how i canceled on my step sis, bc i had a “thing” with him, and he says “is that what dinner and a movie is?  a thing?” and i say “well, i never know what to call a ‘date.’” 

ugh.  brutal, huh?

but he’s done the same with me.  he’s text me late and asked me what i am doing and i’ve written back “nothing really, want company?” which everyone knows is code for “let’s get naked.” and he’s written back “no, i think i’m gonna just chill on my own.”  what? really?

 

so, what do you think?  what is the verdict?  is it hopeless?  am i hopeless?  or just romantically retarded?

the columbian

i met the columbian freshman year in college.  he was a friend of a friend,  a few years ahead of me, 21 and no good.  during the first 2 years of college i didn’t drink at all.  i’m sure i was the only one.  really, i think i was the only one at virginia tech who didn’t drink.  people would ask me if i was religious, and i’d say “no.” so then they’d think i was a rehab case….i was just more interested in making sure my friends were safe.  i was the designated driver everywhere, i was fun, i danced and hung out, but just didn’t engage in the drinking.

i met the columbian and he and i had some serious chemistry.  he is still one of the most beautiful men i know.  he is the kind of guy girls write songs about.  shakespeare would have written a play about him.  he has dreamy thick black hair, tan olivy skin and the most entrancing blue eyes i’ve ever looked into.  i felt like when he looked at me he could see my soul and that he was one of the few people who actually saw me.  i loved to hear him say my name.  i felt like he was the only one who could say my name right. 

one night, we were out and crashed at one of the matt’s house.  he was drunk, we were on the futon and i didn’t put up too much of a fight.  he was charming and SO hot and i loved his hands all over me.

we were never “together.”  i made out with other guys, he with other girls, but we both kept coming back to each other.  we spent many nights together and i saw another side of the columbian.  he would drink so much and black out every weekend.  there were times i wrestled bottles of liquor away from him because i was afraid of the volume of liquor that he was consuming.  strangely, i was one of the few people who could get thru to him.

in these drunken states he would say things like “you know me like no one else,  “you and i have the same heart,” and “you and i would be so great.”  and in the same breath he would say “i hate you, miranda, i hate you” in the most horrible voice you can imagine.  i never knew what to believe.  eventually i distanced myself from him, believing he wasn’t able to get close to anyone romantically.  we remained good friends, great friends, best friends.  we were constantly together.  it was him, one of the matts and me.  i watched his pup when he was away, i met his family.  we became buddies, but occasionally he would regress. 

i remember one night on his girlfriend’s birthday, he pulled me aside and said “remember today, when we saw that acident on 460 and you said ‘i hope no one was hurt?’” and i said “um, yeah.”  he said “that is why i love you, there is no one else like you and i love the way your heart is.”  i will never forget that night.  i walked away, pulled away from him, embarrassed for his girlfriend at the intimate way he spoke to me.  and the way he looked at me….it made me weak.

he graduated, his parents moved, i lost my phone with his number and we lost touch.

when i moved back to the area, i met him and his girlfriend of 6 years.  she is nice, sweet, and utterly forgettable.  i hate to say it.  i didn’t remember her name until i was in a yoga class with her.  i don’t understand why or how they got together, but it doesn’t matter, not really.  he looks the same and he looks at me the same.  he sees me.  he knows me.

we hung out for awhile.  i would say i saw him twice a month.  he would text message me across the table while his girl was there “you are the best person i know.”  he is still impossible but at least he doesn’t drink like he used to.

we have a few lunches alone, just him and me.  he tells me about problems in his relationship and how unhappy he is.  i tell him how i am still realizing how hard life will be going forward.  it gets deep, awkward.  we don’t know where to leave it.

eventually he stops hanging out.  i don’t think he can manage his feelings and i think he feels guilty.  so i give him space.  i feel like it is only fair.  when you know someone else needs room, you should give it to them.  that is what i do.

i haven’t seen the columbian in almost 9 months.  i miss him.  but as a friend. i am 100 percent ok with being his friend.  we had SO many chances to be together and there is a reason it never worked out.

i just hope at some point we can be friends like we used to be and that he will be ok with that.

thor

the situation between thor and me is less “dating” and more “stalking” on his part.

any feedback or suggestions on how to combat his unique and persistant efforts is greatly appreciated. 

i have a thing i go to every wednesday night.  i am friends with almost all the people involved, but i am not involved.  i go there to support them and give feedback.  it is social for me, i know the bartender, i laugh, i flirt, i usually have a very good time.

well, i was there one night and stepped up to the bar, away from my friends, and put my purse down so i could put my hair up.  out of nowhere this 6’5”ish blonde that i’ve never seen comes over and corners me.  a good looking guy, but things are very uncomfortable.  i’m being very nice for how awkward and strained the conversation is.  i’m laughing, making eye contact, but also trying to signal one of the 20 guys that I know there to rescue me.  i probably look borderline retarded with the awkward twitching and the bad winking.  i’ve never been a good winker.  eventually wesley does come to defend my honor.  it is always wesley doing the saving.  i asked him what took him so long and he says “well, he is tall and very nordic looking, and i know you kind of like that.”   i don’t give this guy my number.  i “laugh” off his advance and assume i’d never see this guy again. 

well, the next week he is there.  and the next.  he isn’t there to see the show.  he is there to see me.  all the guys eventually realize this and are at the ready when he comes in. 

one night he comes up to me while i’m getting a drink at the bar and he actually says “i see you not smoking.  you don’t smoke, do you?  that is good.  i’ve heard it is bad for you.”  yeah, i think i’ve read that somewhere.

one night we had sat down, there were 4 of us.  and when he came in he grabbed a table and instead of facing the show….he faced me.  he turned away from the people on the stage so that he could check me out without interruption.  creepy, huh?

well, vegas, who is 5′10″ came and sat directly in his line of vision.  ha.  he was markedly nervous, but i find it charming that he was willing to risk his own comfort for mine.

one night i was saying goodbye and trying to ignore him and he grabbed me and got serious.  i was with a friend, we’ll call her juliet, she’s right behind me giving the obvious “my-arms-are-crossed-let’s-go-already” look and his friend is right there. 

he says “miranda are you seeing anyone seriously?”

i say “i don’t do much seriously. but, eh, no, not really.  taking a break from all of that, you know?”

he says “cause i really like you and i would love to take you out.”

i probably get that look in my eye when i’m watching the movie “seven” and the poster child for sloth is about to wake up and i say “um, no, i don’t think so.  things are complicated.  i don’t really want to get into it.  but thanks.”

he makes me turn him down in front of my friend and his. 

and he still comes every week.  this is probably the 6th week.

last week he tried to buy me a drink……twice.  seriously.   

i’m unsure what the proper course of action should be.  i don’t know what to do really.  from all angles it appears that i’m gonna have to be mean and bitchy, which i hate doing. 

ideas?  thoughts?  please.