i herniated two discs in my back somehow over the past month. juliet was joking that it might be a sex injury, and frankly, i can’t rule that out.
but anyway, my mri is tomorrow. i’m pretty nervous. i’ve never had this done before. what i know, i’ve seen on house or grey’s anatomy. i’m going to be sucked into the big white tube thing. i’m guessing it makes a humming noise. i figure they’ll find something related to my injury, but what if they find something else?
that scares me. a lot.
good god. i don’t know what came over me yesterday, but i was exchanging emails with my mother, and mentioned vegas, and casually segued into “he’s been around 4 months, i guess you should meet him. can i make us all dinner one night?”
jesus. then she writes back, in shock i’m sure, that they can do monday. monday. MONDAY!
vegas is meeting my mom on monday. dear lord.
now, i’ve met his parents 3 times. but, he was “pro meeting the parents” from 3 weeks in. and i can see why. his parents are nice. i was instantly comfortable.
ok, that may not be SO fair. my mom went thru a tremendous amount as a single mother and now that she is happily married, and we are all out of the house, she fancies herself a little bit of a love guru. which is very irritating.
and to be 100% honest, i resent her for not flying out to texas the minute she found out what my ex did. i know i was a grown up then, as i am now, but i was scared and alone, and i needed my mother. and she didn’t come. she is also the only person my ex still contacts about little things still being processed in the divorce and it is always uncomfortable when they come up. that is to be expected. what isn’t expected or appreciated is when she says things like “you know, he can really be pretty wonderful” in regards to my ex. no, he isn’t. wonderful people don’t abuse the people they “love.” a wonderful person wouldn’t hurt your daughter.
needless to say, my relationship with my mother has been strained in the 2 years i’ve been back. when she calls, i often ignore it, bc i don’t know what kind of conversation it is gonna be. if it is going to be accusatory or upsetting or just a call to see what i’m up to.
and now she’s going to meet the first man i’ve really cared about since, and i’m terrified. my sister doesn’t get it, bc my sister doesn’t know everything. then again, my mom doesn’t know everything either. why would i tell them? after they said that i should keep “giving counseling a chance.” i didn’t want to go into detail and make them understand. it was horrible enough once.
i walked away with post traumatic stress disorder, a perpetual migraine, sleeping and anxiety disorders. and i still feel lucky that i’m kinda ok. i’m trying to move forward, and trying to be happy.
the reality of it is that it is me. it is me that has the issues introducing vegas to family. mostly bc it means i’m ready to do “family like things.” i don’t mean like move in or get a pet or anything. but little things. share weekends, take my nephews to the movies, make plans. making plans for months in advance. because i feel like he’ll be around. because family always is.
geez, this blog got away from me.
i’m haunted by my past. i’m haunted by my late marriage. it follows me, makes me miserable, makes me sad to think of things that once gave me joy.
it is a dead thing. dead memories. they’ll never change and never get better. a great man said about his lost son that the memory of the death will always hurt, but in time it will be like a piece of glass in the ocean, and the rough edges will smooth and he’ll be able to handle it without fear of injury. i don’t feel that way. this will always be miserable. it will never be easy.
it has been almost exactly 20 months since i left him. since i packed everything i could in my car and drove for 3 days because i was tired of living in fear.
i still look over my shoulder nervously in airports and malls, and i still am paranoid about a car that might be following me.
i’ll feel so good about regaining my sense of self and independence and then out of the blue, i get an email or a text or read a news story, and i’m back to hiding and being so scared all i want to do is sleep.
