napa

so, i’m planning a birthday weekend with my dear cousin in napa over our birthdays this coming march.  i’m turning 30 and she’s turning 25.

i’m booking us a 2 bedroom fireplace suite on a golf course resort and i’m thrilled.  i want to do something fun, but not spend a lot of money, and i LOVE napa. 

i found tickets for $118 round trip there and asked vegas to come with me.  he asked when it was and i replied march 11-15 and he said “i can’t plan that far ahead.”

and i said “ok.”

then he said “do you hate me?”

and i said “why would you ask that?” and he said “because i can’t commit to making the trip.”

i then replied “don’t be ridiculous, i don’t want to make you feel like you have to go.”

when what i wanted to say was “as long as that what you mean, not that you don’t think we should make plans that far in advance, bc you’re not sure if we’ll be together.”

which is how that made me feel.

it’s been kinda a hard few weeks for us.  i hurt my back and my sis has been out a lot, so i’ve had the primary responsibility of watching the dogs and have been limited in what i can and can’t do.

he’s been a bit testy and irritable, and i guess i don’t feel really great about where we are.

we’re going to visit his family this weekend.  i’m guessing we’ll have a lot of time to get close or get annoyed with one another. 

i’ll let you know how it goes.

a night of compliments

easter weekend is always crazy at my house.  well, at my nana’s house.  we have about 25 – 30 people of which, at least 12 are under 20 years old. 

needless to say, it was exhausting.  between making a carrot cake, peeling 20lbs of potatoes, not a typo, and running after my nephews and niece, i was done.

i got home, put on yoga pants, grabbed a chick-shaped sweet tart and then vegas called.  he said “i’m home, come over, we’ll watch gordon ramsay!”

he’s gotten me addicted to gordon ramsay.  it is ridiculous.  ramsay was actually in one of my dreams. 

so, we are sitting on his couch watching “the ‘f’ word” and he says “when i watch gordon ramsay’s shows, it makes me hungry for your cooking.”  wow. 

we ate some popcorn, we each had a beer and then we went to bed.  then we start, you know, and he says “sex with you is everything sex should be.”  nice, huh?

meeting the parents

good god.  i don’t know what came over me yesterday, but i was exchanging emails with my mother, and mentioned vegas, and casually segued into “he’s been around 4 months, i guess you should meet him.  can i make us all dinner one night?”

jesus.  then she writes back, in shock i’m sure, that they can do monday.  monday.  MONDAY!

vegas is meeting my mom on monday.  dear lord. 

now, i’ve met his parents 3 times.  but, he was “pro meeting the parents” from 3 weeks in.  and i can see why.  his parents are nice.  i was instantly comfortable.

ok, that may not be SO fair.  my mom went thru a tremendous amount as a single mother and now that she is happily married, and we are all out of the house, she fancies herself a little bit of a love guru.  which is very irritating. 

and to be 100% honest, i resent her for not flying out to texas the minute she found out what my ex did.  i know i was a grown up then, as i am now, but i was scared and alone, and i needed my mother.  and she didn’t come.  she is also the only person my ex still contacts about little things still being processed in the divorce and it is always uncomfortable when they come up.  that is to be expected.  what isn’t expected or appreciated is when she says things like “you know, he can really be pretty wonderful” in regards to my ex.  no, he isn’t.  wonderful people don’t abuse the people they “love.”  a wonderful person wouldn’t hurt your daughter.

needless to say, my relationship with my mother has been strained in the 2 years i’ve been back.  when she calls, i often ignore it, bc i don’t know what kind of conversation it is gonna be.  if it is going to be accusatory or upsetting or just a call to see what i’m up to. 

and now she’s going to meet the first man i’ve really cared about since, and i’m terrified.  my sister doesn’t get it, bc my sister doesn’t know everything.  then again, my mom doesn’t know everything either.  why would i tell them?  after they said that i should keep “giving counseling a chance.”  i didn’t want to go into detail and make them understand.  it was horrible enough once.

i walked away with post traumatic stress disorder, a perpetual migraine, sleeping and anxiety disorders.  and i still feel lucky that i’m kinda ok.  i’m trying to move forward, and trying to be happy.

the reality of it is that it is me.  it is me that has the issues introducing vegas to family.  mostly bc it means i’m ready to do “family like things.”  i don’t mean like move in or get a pet or anything.  but little things.  share weekends, take my nephews to the movies, make plans.  making plans for months in advance.  because i feel like he’ll be around.  because family always is.

 

geez, this blog got away from me.