one missed call

i’m in the middle of my day, and i look at my phone and see a missed call.  from what number?  it looks familiar mostly because it begins with my ex’s area code.

and then all the breath goes out of my chest, my heart sinks into my stomach and i feel like i’m going to throw up.

i hate that he has this power over me.  i don’t even know if it was him, i erased his number long ago.  but just that hint, just that forced memory has ruined my day.  i feel scared and helpless and i’m nervous about being anywhere alone.

all i want to do is hide in my room and go to sleep.

i’ll face the world again tomorrow.

the nose

so, i had a slow day at work last thursday and decided to look for an exboyfriend from a million years ago on facebook.  let’s call him “the nose.”  i’m calling him “the nose” because when i found a guy with his name that graduated the same year he did from his high school, i wasn’t sure it was him.  i wasn’t sure until i took a good look at his beak, and then i was sure.

don’t get me wrong, he didn’t have a huge nose or anything, but he has a beard now, he wears glasses, and when i thought about the pics of us, his nose was the pronounced feature i could recognize.

ok.  anyway.  i met the nose at kings dominion when i was 13.  it was absolute puppy love.  he wrote his phone number on a teddy bear that he had won and gave it to me.  he went to a high school across town and we maintained a relationship by mail and phone calls.  we were close, i felt connected to him.  he came to my confirmation, was the first guy to get me roses, he came to a murder mystery party that i thru.  he was pretty great.

he was the first guy who i made me feel alive sexually.  he was the first guy to kiss the back of my neck and kiss my ears and i was putty in his hands.  he was 2 years older and that made him even sexier to me.

he was also the first guy to tell me he was falling in love with me.  i don’t know what happened or why we ended it or who ended it…but it was over.

i couldn’t get him out of my head tho, there were several times i saw and called him after that.  i always felt like we were star-crossed or something.

so, i sent him a message on facebook, and asked him to be “my friend” and he accepted and then we started chatting back and forth.  he’s very local.  the next town over.  he asked me if i would meet him for coffee and catch up and i said “yes.”

that is ok, right?  i mean, it was 15 years ago…at least. 

right?  ugh. 

 

***in the meantime, vegas and i had an amazing weekend together.  we hung out friday at 3 to like 8 on sat.  then i hung out at his place from 3 to midnight on sunday.  we just chilled out, ate in, ate out, watched movies and rolled around in bed.  i think i laughed the entire time.  it was pretty perfect.

meeting the parents

good god.  i don’t know what came over me yesterday, but i was exchanging emails with my mother, and mentioned vegas, and casually segued into “he’s been around 4 months, i guess you should meet him.  can i make us all dinner one night?”

jesus.  then she writes back, in shock i’m sure, that they can do monday.  monday.  MONDAY!

vegas is meeting my mom on monday.  dear lord. 

now, i’ve met his parents 3 times.  but, he was “pro meeting the parents” from 3 weeks in.  and i can see why.  his parents are nice.  i was instantly comfortable.

ok, that may not be SO fair.  my mom went thru a tremendous amount as a single mother and now that she is happily married, and we are all out of the house, she fancies herself a little bit of a love guru.  which is very irritating. 

and to be 100% honest, i resent her for not flying out to texas the minute she found out what my ex did.  i know i was a grown up then, as i am now, but i was scared and alone, and i needed my mother.  and she didn’t come.  she is also the only person my ex still contacts about little things still being processed in the divorce and it is always uncomfortable when they come up.  that is to be expected.  what isn’t expected or appreciated is when she says things like “you know, he can really be pretty wonderful” in regards to my ex.  no, he isn’t.  wonderful people don’t abuse the people they “love.”  a wonderful person wouldn’t hurt your daughter.

needless to say, my relationship with my mother has been strained in the 2 years i’ve been back.  when she calls, i often ignore it, bc i don’t know what kind of conversation it is gonna be.  if it is going to be accusatory or upsetting or just a call to see what i’m up to. 

and now she’s going to meet the first man i’ve really cared about since, and i’m terrified.  my sister doesn’t get it, bc my sister doesn’t know everything.  then again, my mom doesn’t know everything either.  why would i tell them?  after they said that i should keep “giving counseling a chance.”  i didn’t want to go into detail and make them understand.  it was horrible enough once.

i walked away with post traumatic stress disorder, a perpetual migraine, sleeping and anxiety disorders.  and i still feel lucky that i’m kinda ok.  i’m trying to move forward, and trying to be happy.

the reality of it is that it is me.  it is me that has the issues introducing vegas to family.  mostly bc it means i’m ready to do “family like things.”  i don’t mean like move in or get a pet or anything.  but little things.  share weekends, take my nephews to the movies, make plans.  making plans for months in advance.  because i feel like he’ll be around.  because family always is.

 

geez, this blog got away from me.

the crazy christian

ok.  wtf.  this guy is driving me nuts.  he’s texted me and emailed me numerous times and today he texts me this:

“having friends over here for our film of faith night we do each saturday.  i am not sure how you will react to this:  i won’t hang out with women alone, especially you, because i don’t want to tempt myself to sin against jesus.  if you still want to be friends, let me know.”

whoa.  i’ve never slept with him before, i don’t know why he would think i would sleep with him now. 

dude.

i text back:  i wasn’t going to sin with you.  i’m seeing someone.  it sounds like us being friends depends on whether or not you can handle it.”

geez. 

 

***i’m so excited to see vegas tomorrow.  i miss him loads and it will be so good to hang out for a bit.  we get to watch football and take it easy and i don’t have to work on monday, so i bet i convince him to stay sunday night.  which would be awesome.