economic identity

as i was walking to my apartment from my car yesterday, i realized i was the epitome of economic confusion.

it was actually humorous if i ignored the relevant implications on society. 

i hadn’t worn a jacket to work yesterday, and we got a bit of a cold snap, so on my way home i put on my virginia tech sweatshirt over a gray frilly work shirt.  juliet was coming over for dinner, and we had talked about having fish.  i stopped at the whole foods to see what is on sale which was precisely nothing.  nothing on sale and i was trying to spend less than $10 on dinner because things will be tight until friday.  hmmm.

so, i get a baguette and my new favorite “mammoth cheddar” and move on.  i was gonna stop by the super fresh anyway and get some tomatoes, so, that is where i head to next.

the super fresh is an international market where they have all kinds of food i’ve never seen before.  spiky produce and mini eggplants and giant pears.  half the labels aren’t in english but i do pretty well.  most of the time. 

i’m looking thru their fresh fish and they have much more of a selection.  and i believe it is fresh because of the tanks and the loads of other people in line.  so it has to be turning, because all these other people can’t afford to shop at whole foods either.  the cat fish looks good.  juliet is bringing over a lemon linguine and i can make a small tomato basil salad.  i get two whole fillets.  we’ll split one and if desdemona is home, there will be enough for her too. 

the cost $7.  yes! 

finally mostly done with my day, i park, and collect my things and walk in.  i look down at myself and see me wearing a sweatshirt, dress pants and kenneth cole flats.  in one hand, my coach purse and the free promo bag that i now carry my laptop in.  in the other hand, the whole foods and super fresh bag.

and me.  feeling  old and young, still holding onto my twenties but flirting with 30.  being pleased with the amount of my paycheck, and dismayed at how quickly it seems to go out to this bill and that bill.  doting on fine things but relishing in comfort and the ability to make money stretch. 

i wonder if i’ll ever be able to buy a house.  the divorce ruined my credit, and having to put down 20 percent for a place seems impossible. 

i guess things got pretty bad for me in september, that is when i first thought hard about leaving the clinic.  since then i’ve hardly been out.  once a week, twice a week, maybe.  things have been better since i took my new job in february.  but i’ve retained the lessons about living lean.  i make it count.  if i go out once a week, i can spend $20.  and few things make my world turn like dinner and a beer with juliet and violetta. 

i guess one of the scariest things is that i’m one of the lucky ones.  me.  i’m not going to lose my car or house, i can fill up my gas tank (thank goodness it isn’t $4 a gallon anymore).  i have a good job that is secure, and if something happened and desdemona lost her job, i could support us.  it would be tight. but i could do it.

no more mammoth cheddar and we’d probably have to sell our coach and tiffany’s, but who are we to have that stuff anyway? 

i think the situation is horrible but some of the outcomes are good.  the conditions have made it easy and acceptable to say “i’m sorry, i can’t afford to ____ right now.”  i think there is less pressure to spend and a return to the kitchen table.  which is always good.  real conversations, board games, rock band nights. 

so, likely, i will continue to drink cheap wine out of nice glasses.  eat what is local and in season. mix inexpensive food with gourmet cooking techniques and enjoy things slower and longer.  enjoy the quiet. enjoy my friends.

because when it comes to friends, i feel very wealthy and very fortunate.

the older brother’s birthday party

the older brother invited me to his birthday party and i asked if it iwas ok if i brought along a few girls with me.  vegas had a show and i figured why not.  so i grabbed violetta and juliet and tasked them to bring up vegas when the older brother was around. 

juliet said she had only seen parties like this on tv.  ha.  it was like being back in college.  beer pong, a keg outside, the game on the tv, but cheesy 80’s ballads and the beach boys on the stereo.  at one point older bro muted the music, picked up an acoustic guitar and sang a horribly crude, but mildly amusing, song to ”for all the ladies.”

older bro was talking about sushi, and violetta interjected “does vegas like sushi?”  and i said “i don’t know, we’ve never been to sushi, he’s kinda a meat and potatoes kind of guy.”

yes!  nothing else was said, but i think he picked up on it. 

we stayed for a little over an hour, then left.  it was good.  it was nice to meet some different people.  it was fun.

 

***vegas and i actually got to hang out a lot this weekend.  fri night we had dinner and a movie over at my place.  sat i brought him lunch and we hung out for a few hours before his show.  and sunday we saw monsters vs aliens, which was hilarious.  and then we watched 4 episodes of gordon ramsay’s kitchen nightmares.  it has been nice.

dinner with violetta

so, this is just a funny anecdote that i’ll share with you.

violetta and i went to dinner at our favorite irish pub and we are eating and drinking and i mention how vegas is coming over later, and she says “oh, cool. what are you guys gonna do?  specifically?”

i put my fork down and shift in my seat and say “you really want specifics?”

and she laughed and said “no.”

 

ha.

dinner with the folks

went really well.  the food came out perfectly.  everyone was nice.  my mom told vegas about how i’m deathly afraid of alligators, how at age 4 i used to insult my older sisters in french, and that time i fell asleep on the train to connecticut and missed my stop.

now vegas can’t wait to meet my other sister who looked like ricky schroeder when she was 9.

vegas liked them, they liked him…everything worked out well.

ha.  so, that is that.  i’m guessing it might be a week before my grandparents invite the two of us to dinner at their house.

my valentine’s day

well, we did it on friday, because vegas had a show on sat.  he sent me 2 dozen roses to my office.  i signed for them, and brought them back to my boss, and she said “miranda, these are for you.”  and i said “no they’re not.”  but they were.  i was very embarrassed.

i ordered chinese from our favorite place and we watched movies on the couch most of the night.  we slept in on saturday, and then we went to see friday the 13th.  i didn’t expect it to be good, but i didn’t think it would be THAT bad.  then we went to lunch.  then we went back to my house and took a nap and watched spiderman 3. 

then he left for his show, and i put on pjs and hung out the rest of the night. 

i’ve been nervous about tonight all week.  i finished the shrimp dip and brownies last night.  we are having everything pork chops with red potatoes and green beans.   i realized we didn’t have proper cloth napkins, so i went out and bought them and a new table cloth, bc we don’t have an iron, and my mom is like that.  i bought tulips for the bathroom and figured we’d put the roses on the table.   i made my step dad iced tea bc he drinks it with every meal at home. 

i’m anxious.  i know it is just me.  and i actually think things will go pretty great.  it is just the initial introductions that are tricky.  plus i got some wine, i’ll have a glass before, so that i will simmer down while dinner simmers. 

wish me luck.

thanksgiving

vegas and i are both VERY involved in our families but in different ways.  he asked awhile ago when we could “tell family.”  and i said “i’m not ready for my family to know.”  he asked why and i replied “because the last guy i brought home, i married, and i’m not ready to get into that .” 

that following weekend he went home and told his mom about me.  he came back and told me he told her.  i said that was ok, and actually, that it was nice to hear because it made me believe he really liked me.  then he told his mom i was glad he told her.  yikes.

so then…..i told him it was ok with me that his family knows but i didn’t want him to feel bad that he didn’t get an invitation to thanksgiving at my grandparents’ house.  he said he understood. 

vegas left for fredricksburg wednesday right after work, and wasn’t coming back until sunday night.  that would make for the longest break thus far from each other….and i hate that i didn’t want to be away from him.  it made me crazy that i knew i would miss him. 

i was SO excited when he asked me to come watch the hokie game with him in fredricksburg on saturday afternoon.  he told me to bring my dog and that his mom would dote on him.  wait.  his mom?  oh goodness. 

i was so nervous.  not that she wouldn’t like me, but that she would.  that the family would fall in love with me and i would fall in love with them. 

it went well.  his family was so gracious and funny and i adore his mother.  i was completely at home and it scared me to death.

my ex gave me a good reason to hate all men, but i don’t.  i hate my ex.  i don’t want to be one of those women who are so cynical and cold and impossible to get to know.  i don’t want to live my life closed off.  i don’t want to be one of those people who give up on love and don’t try.  but it is hard and it is scary, but i’m really trying.  really.

it is like that billy joel song “and so it goes.”

but if my silence made you leave
then that would be my worst mistake
so I will share this room with you
and you can have this heart to break

ok.  i should have warned you this was about to get cheesy.

we went to dinner last night.  and we laughed and made fun of each other and it is so easy to be with him.  we went to on the border in tyson’s and he asked me my opinion on “double dipping” in regards to chips and salsa.  i just laughed and said “if we are having sex, i don’t see what the big deal is.”  and he said “geez, miranda, not just with me, in general.”  haha.

then i told him to come home with me and he i’d let him “mess up my hair.”  and he did.  and it was amazing.

making up

vegas and i had plans for dinner last night, but after we both went to bed unhappily on wednesday, i was doubting that he would show and wondering if i even wanted him to.

well, we talk over email, both apologize for the misunderstandings, he is cautious and non presumptuous about what the course of the evening would hold.  he texts me around 6pm asking “are we still on?”  and i say “i hope so.”

he comes over, and we watch the hokie game.  we won, sweet!  i made a bolognese that was delicious.  he cleared the dishes and asked if there was anything he could do to help clean up.  he always offers.

then he says “you look like you are about to fall asleep.  do you want me to leave?”

i said “you know you can stay.  if you want.”

he looks at me and says “i really hated going to sleep last night knowing you were upset.  i’m sorry.”

and i say “forgiven.  please stay, i’m exhausted, but i’d love to wake up with you.”

and he says “i’m tired too, we can just go to sleep.”

ha….yeah right.

the saga of sucky continues

vegas and i had just talked about keeping things under wraps and last night we met at the club.  bob was there.  ophelia, wesley and violetta too.  well, after the show we went to clyde’s in tysons.  i show first, order vegas and myself some drinks, then he shows and we sit and talk for a few minutes.  then bob shows.  i don’t know what happened exactly, but i could feel vegas getting irritated, and as soon as wesley and some others showed, he left.  he just walked out.  ugh. 

so then i send him a text that says “we’re on for tomorrow, right?”

“that’s gotta stop.  i won’t be disrespected like that again” he replies.  what?

i say “do you want me to tell him?  bc then the cat is out of the bag.”

he says “why wouldn’t you tell him?”  seriously?  how many times do we have to say this?

well, everyone goes to the bathroom, kinda weird, and it is just wesley and me at the bar.  we’ve been friends forever, and he says “what’s wrong, what is with all the texting?”  and i say “well, umm, i’m seeing vegas.  it’s been a few weeks.”  and he says “OH, and bob doesn’t know, got it.”  and i say “exactly.”

so then, wesley takes this as his cue, leaves, the other guys leave too and it is just bob and me.  and bob says “so, miranda, what is new?”  and i say “well, i’m kinda seeing vegas.”  and he says “kinda seeing or seeing?”  and i say “seeing.  things happened right before the party, so it’s been a few weeks, we’ve been keeping things quiet but i wanted to make sure you heard it from me.” 

….

he takes a sip of his drink, gets quiet and says “miranda, i don’t want you to think you aren’t important to me.  introducing you to my roommates was a big deal for me, i know you might not see that, but i like you so much, and i just am not ready for anything ‘real.’  and i knew if we got any closer, i would have to be all in, and i wasn’t ready for that.  but vegas is a great guy, he’s liked you forever and he’ll treat you better than i can.”

there were so many questions running thru my mind, why he did things, why he didn’t do others.  but i didn’t ask them.  i just let him get it out.  i didn’t expect him to pour his heart out, i didn’t see that coming, but it was nice to hear that things weren’t one-sided.  a little late, but still nice to hear.

i say “bob, we are good though, everything is cool, right?”

and he says “of course, i can’t imagine my world without you in it.”

ugh.

then i say “i’m going home.  goodnight.”

then i text vegas “wesley and bob both know.  i’m heading home.  goodnight.”

and he calls.  he is irritated and short with me. 

all of a sudden things are feeling less fun and not easy.

 

i’m guessing i’m in for another “talk” tonight when he comes for dinner.

a day at the museums

vegas had this idea to go downtown and take me to the museums.   i don’t know if he was just suggesting it or had actually planned on it panning out, but my enthusiastic response to his offer and my quickly following exhibit recommendations obviously showed him this was something i love to do.

juliet and i go to the museums probably every 4 months.  i love to see the seasons change on the mall.  i love it.  the smithsonian is free.  FREE.  and it holds a wealth of information and culture and exposure to things i may not know or understand or get, but it doesn’t matter.  there is so much there, you could never see it all and you should go.  GO!

we went to the american history museum to see the jim hensen exhibit.  SO excited, but it was closed!  boo!  oh well, then we went to the natural history…he wanted to see the woolly mammoth….in juliet’s least favorite exhibit….ha, well she wasn’t there, so it was ok.  it was fun.  we found the dinosaur that was most likely to be my dog if we were prehistoric people.  i found out that vegas is scared of spiders…a lot…when we walked thru the bug exhibit.  oops.

then we went to the hirshhorn.  he didn’t get it.  he was like “is this art or decoration?” which i found adorable.  we were looking at a sculpture and he says “what is this?  someone’s wrecked car?”  and out of nowhere a volunteer came out and started talking about the artist and showed us, in her opinion, the best representation of his art in the museum.  vegas was clearly uninterested, but he listened intently in his yankee’s shirt and asked questions.  it was nice of him.  he is pretty great.  while we were riding the escalator, he stood behind me, leaned in and kissed my hair and neck.

we walked downstairs and there is a sculpture of hangers and he looked at it quickly and said “that’s pretty cool.” and then he said “wait, those are hangers.”  ha.

then we went to the national gallery, strolled thru, it was getting late, so we headed back.

when we got off the metro, i called the chinese food place we both like near my house and ordered take out.  we picked it up, i pulled out my wallet, and he said “i got it.”  we went back to my house, ate and watched the giants game for a bit then made out for 3 hours.  ha.  no sex.  just rolling around in bed, unable to keep our hands off each other.

he left around 10pm.  giants won.  9 hour date was amazing.  we made plans for dinner on thursday.  can’t wait. 

the discussion came up about who he has told and who i’ve told.  he said 3 of our mutual friends and his brother.  i said ophelia, juliet, violetta and desdemona AND THE WHOLE INTERNET.  no i didn’t say the “the whole internet” because he doesn’t know, and he doesn’t need to know about this blog.  i said i wanted to be the one to tell wesley, but am not in any hurry to do that.  that is where the conversation stopped.  i didn’t go to the “well, what am i gonna tell them?  what is going on with us?” because i think it is good that we are ok without the definition, at least for now.

the party and the aftermath

i knew it was gonna be risky with having both bob and vegas at the single’s party. 

i’ve ignored vegas’s advances for about a year, but good things are worth waiting for.  we are having SO much fun.  he makes me laugh, he is charming, he is sweet and i feel like he really wants to be with me.  we have grown to be pretty close friends in the last year, and i trust him.  i love the way he talks about his family, i love the way he looks at me. i love the way he pulls me to him and holds the side of my face when he kisses me.  it blows my mind that two weeks ago, i didn’t see this coming at all.  i’ve been totally blind-sided.  and it is awesome.

well, i was excited to pretend to ignore vegas during the party.  we talked about it and decided that is was best to not “come out” with the info just yet.  especially to casual friends.  vegas was texting me throughout the party and was very sweet.  he pulled me into the kitchen when no one else was there, he pretended to be getting something from the fridge and kissed me under the cover of the door.  we had a series of covert making out sessions during the party and it was pretty hot.  i was definitely looking forward to him staying after the party.  we had talked about it, he was gonna stay, he had the parking pass already in his car. 

the exit strategy was perfect, at midnight, they start towing so everyone had to leave.  party started at 7, and i asked ophelia if she would initiate the leaving at 1030.  most people didn’t have the day off, so, i figured they would all wanna be out of here around that time anyway. 

the sangria was crucial.  i mixed 4 bottles of champagne with brandy and vodka, added grapefruit, tangerine, lime and a lite beer.  i froze half a tangerine, grapes and limes so it would keep the sangria cold, so i didn’t have to dilute it with ice cubes.  it was amazing.  anyway, after i got the food out, i relaxed a bit, had two glasses of sangria, and i was feeling great.  then i had a few beers…and i was no longer sober.

people were leaving, the texts from vegas got more and more detailed and suggestive.  i was having a great time.  before i know it, just vegas, bob and i remain.  awkward.  hmmm.  while bob is in the bathroom, vegas says to me that “bob is gonna try and stay” and i say “there is no way that he could think that is an option.”  ugh.

i am very tipsy, and notice that it is 1155, omg.  and i say “oh, geez, you guys have to go.  they start towing at midnight.”  bob and vegas both leave, but vegas just drives around and comes back.  awesome.  bob calls me at 1205, but i am already “busy” with vegas, and i don’t see that he’s called. 

when i check my phone in the morning, i see another missed call from bob and a text an hour later that says “goodnight drunk miranda.”  ha.  fair enough.

well then he calls the next day.  and he asks did i really “want him to leave.”  ugh.  and i say “i wanted everyone to leave, it was late, i was drunk, it was time.”  and he says “well, am i gonna see you wednesday, or are you gonna be out with your boyfriend?” and i say “i don’t have a boyfriend.” and he says ” well, one of your boys then.”  and i say “you don’t have to say it like that, i’m allowed to have ‘boys’ if i don’t have a ‘boyfriend.’” and he says “i know.” 

then i say “i don’t really feel like chatting, i’ll talk to you later.”  and i can tell he is upset about it, but wtf, what is wrong with him?  really?  really? 

he sends me a text a bit later that says “btw, your dog is the cutest ever.” 

i reply “i know.  i’m sorry i didn’t feel like chatting earlier.  i guess i don’t know what you want from me.”

and he says back “i wasn’t expecting to stay the night with you, i just felt like i was all of a sudden in the way and keeping you from vegas.” 

ugh.

i said “they start towing at midnight.”  that is all i wrote.  i didn’t want to confirm or deny any suggestion he was offering.

and he says “you said that already.”  and resumes easy comfortable chat about football and whatnot.

thank goodness.

and in the meantime all i can think about is vegas.  he is in my head and i am so glad he pushed bob out.