napa

so, i’m planning a birthday weekend with my dear cousin in napa over our birthdays this coming march.  i’m turning 30 and she’s turning 25.

i’m booking us a 2 bedroom fireplace suite on a golf course resort and i’m thrilled.  i want to do something fun, but not spend a lot of money, and i LOVE napa. 

i found tickets for $118 round trip there and asked vegas to come with me.  he asked when it was and i replied march 11-15 and he said “i can’t plan that far ahead.”

and i said “ok.”

then he said “do you hate me?”

and i said “why would you ask that?” and he said “because i can’t commit to making the trip.”

i then replied “don’t be ridiculous, i don’t want to make you feel like you have to go.”

when what i wanted to say was “as long as that what you mean, not that you don’t think we should make plans that far in advance, bc you’re not sure if we’ll be together.”

which is how that made me feel.

it’s been kinda a hard few weeks for us.  i hurt my back and my sis has been out a lot, so i’ve had the primary responsibility of watching the dogs and have been limited in what i can and can’t do.

he’s been a bit testy and irritable, and i guess i don’t feel really great about where we are.

we’re going to visit his family this weekend.  i’m guessing we’ll have a lot of time to get close or get annoyed with one another. 

i’ll let you know how it goes.

what would you do differently?

violetta and i were talking a while back and she asked me “knowing what you know now, what would you have done differently in high school?”

and i said “i’d have been sluttier.” 

ha.  no hesitation.

ouch!

i was making chicken alfredo sunday night and i accidently grabbed the wrong end of the pan (the one without the handle) with my left thumb and index finger.  it really hurt.  i actually think i have the pan’s insignia blazed into my thumb, it is not so good.

anyway, i grabbed a waterbottle out of the freezer that was about a third of the way filled with ice.  the burn hurt so much if i took my thumb off the ice for more than 15 seconds, the pain was intolerable.

i went to sleep holding the bottle.  i also went to sleep with vegas, who helped me undress bc i couldn’t undo the fastener on my bra or the zipper on my jeans.  thankfully he has ample experience doing both.

normally when we take ice to bed, it plays a very different role.

more than empire strikes back

this weekend vegas told me he loves me more than empire strikes back, which is his favorite starwars movie.

i told him i love him more than indiana jones which is an equal exchange of our nerdy affection.

one missed call

i’m in the middle of my day, and i look at my phone and see a missed call.  from what number?  it looks familiar mostly because it begins with my ex’s area code.

and then all the breath goes out of my chest, my heart sinks into my stomach and i feel like i’m going to throw up.

i hate that he has this power over me.  i don’t even know if it was him, i erased his number long ago.  but just that hint, just that forced memory has ruined my day.  i feel scared and helpless and i’m nervous about being anywhere alone.

all i want to do is hide in my room and go to sleep.

i’ll face the world again tomorrow.

i woke up

this morning on his side of the bed.  sleeping on his pillow.

i hate sleeping without him.

weekend vacation

so i feel like i want to take a nice relaxing vacation.  like a real one.  not one with a gazillion kids in the car or where i’m doing more running around than enjoying myself.

i’m thinking three/four days.  maybe a cruise, or a trip to cabo.  maybe vegas, i haven’t been there in ages.  anyway i’m telling this to vegas, obviously suggesting it for both of us…and he keeps diverting back to the singular.  wtf? 

“where are you gonna go?” 

“you’ll have a really great time.”

“where would you stay?”

boo.  it hurt my feelings.

everything is ok

thank you for your concern. 

my lapse in postings isn’t because of anything in particular.  i’ve been busy and tired.  and things have been pretty ordinary, so i haven’t been inspired to write much.

i didn’t get to see vegas from monday to saturday night last week.  that is a pretty long time for us.  i would say we spend about 4 or 5 nights out of 7 together.  any way, everything is still great.  except….

i’m sore.  my hips and back and abs.  it wasn’t anything different, it was just the volume of sex.

it is funny what i think would be inappropriate to post.  i think posting the exact number would be lewd, but i have no problem suggesting the frequency.  ha. 

it was a lot.

“by the time i was your age”

my cousin laura was in town for another cousin’s graduation this past weekend, and we were talking about the awkward conversations we’ve had with our grandparents. 

we’re both self supporting, intelligent women, who handle most situations with ease and grace, but for some reason that isn’t enough for my grandparents.

they are really wonderful people, and i know they just don’t want us to be alone, and have someone to make a future with.  but for laura and me that has always been secondary.  i find friends first that usually morph into lovers.  with time and alcohol.  that is usually what happens.

i was living with my grandparents the first few months i moved back to the area.  and it was nice to be near them bc i had been so far away for so long.  however, there is such a thing as being too close and too comfortable and when my grandfather told me that i “need to find a lover” one night, i suspected that time to be drawing near.

there are few things that bring on that “how could things have gone so wrong?” thought process as when your grandfather tells you that you need to get laid.

my grandmother told laura that she should get married soon, “before she dies.”  ha.  nana is a very healthy woman, and while she may be in her winter season, this is more about laying the guilt on thick.

more recently nana said to me “i had all my children by the time i was your age.”  yeah, that was in 1957.  things are a little different now.  mostly that i use 2 types of birth control to avoid that precise situation.  we use a condom every time and i’m on the pill.  ha.  so, thank goodness my other sister gave my mom a granddaughter and grandsons, bc desdemona and i are unlikely to fill that role.

i’m not saying i’d never have kids.  but a lot would have to change for me to make that decision.  bc it would never happen by accident, that just isn’t my personality.

nana and gramps don’t mean any harm.  i know they know we’ll be ok if we aren’t with someone, but i think they just don’t want us to be alone.  they’ve been married for 56 years, and i think they just wish that companionship for us.

if i got married right now, i would have to live to 86 to have that type of statistic.  that seems like a really long time.

i’m getting nervous just thinking about it.

starry undies

so, this is funny.  and a little embarrassing.

i texted vegas yesterday “i just bought 4th of july underwear.”

and he writes back “yes!”

and then he writes “are you at target?”

and i write “um, no.  victoria  secret online.”

i can’t figure out which one of us is the asshole.

5 for $25 ladies, get em!