recently

i haven’t had too much to write about.  i’ve been busy.  and sick. 

and just had a birthday.  and i am exactly that girl who is self involved enough to ignore everything else and assume everyone just wants to talk and chill with me.  cause it is my birthday.  now really.  i know you guys don’t care.  ok, maybe you did for like a minute.  but i do this for 2 weeks.  even i think i go overboard, so it is ok to roll your eyes at me.

i had a birthday thing last night and had TOO much champagne sangria.  vegas took coats and helped clean up and was great.  even when bob showed up.  ugh.  honestly, it was good to see him too.  he brought his new girlfriend and she was really sweet.  i am glad he’s moved on.  and i’m glad he found someone who could give him what he needed.  bc i couldn’t.

vegas and i are great.  it has been 5 months and i’m not spooked.  so, that is progress.  i am so well adjusted.

this morning we woke up at 5am.  it is so nice when i reach for him and he is there.  it was pretty perfect.

platonic pat

i met this guy thru wesley and my good friend lojack.  he is a really nice, sarcastic, funny and uber cool.  he is one of those guys who is smart enough to keep my attention but that i have no real attraction to.  i do this all the time.  i seem to like to have a guy around who i can talk to about my other men, who i keep trying to set up with other friends of mine, and failing because i’m always shocked to learn they are into me.

last year pat and i were really close.  we talked everyday on chat for hours.  we hung out probably 3 times a week.  and i wasn’t seeing anyone seriously.  i had this guy on the side, and a few in the wings.  vegas was around, but was too quiet around me then, and then bob came into the picture.  and bob was loud, and presumptuous, and evidently pissed pat off. 

i was chatting with pat early one morning and said something about how bob was “wearing down my defenses” and i had agreed to go to lunch with him.  pat got quiet and after a bit said “i’m not a fan of the bob.”  and i said “why is he ‘the bob?’ and you don’t have to like everyone.”  and he said “it is just when you talk about him, it makes me want to want to run over him with my truck.” 

whoa. 

at this point, i stop, and it all comes clear.  i honestly had no idea up until this point.  pat says “i need some air” and signs off.  he signs off and deletes me.  DELETES ME.  from chat, from social networking sites.  i was deleted and blocked.  wtf.

i considered pat one of my best friends, but after this happened, i wondered if he was just hanging around and waiting for a moment of weakness.  maybe he thought he would win me by being the last man standing.  i don’t know.  i’ve never lost a friend like this.  i’ve given him space, it has been 9 months. 

well.  last new year’s eve we were at wesley’s.  and when wesley sent out the evite for this year, i saw pat on it.  he responded “yes” and i responded “maybe +1.”  then pat changed his response to “no.”  i’m sure because of me.  i asked wesley if he was mad, if i shouldn’t come, and he said “no.  you are my best friend.  you have to come.”

so, vegas and i are going.  that is the plan.  he came over last night and we watched “stepbrothers.”  hilarious.  see it.  oh, and the other half of my christmas present was “the replacements” which is one of my top 3 favorite sports movies.  also the movie we watched after the last game at yankee stadium.  he asked if i would set the alarm for 5am instead of 530, so we could have more time to roll around in the morning.  and i did, and i’m glad.  morning sex is the best.

the worst thing

the worst things you can probably do to me is lie and/or stand me up.  i don’t say i’ll be somewhere and not show.  (i will be late, i always am, if you can’t accept that, date someone else.)  you should return the favor.

last night vegas and i made plans to go to the club for the show around 8.  he called me at 630.  he said he had thought about going to another show downtown, and i said “you should go if you want.”  and then he said “no, i’ll be where you are cause i want to see you.”  i say “great, see you then.”  it usually starts late, and it is a casual thing, so i show at 830.  i say hello to wesley, bob, and 20 other people….no vegas.   hm.  maybe he is running late, so i grab a seat and a beer with wesley.  i text him around 915 and let him know i was planning on leaving around 10.   no text back.  nothing.

bob comes and sits next to me…..of course.  and thor is there too….and i’m right in his convenient line of vision.  so, i’m getting really uncomfortable really fast.  10pm finally comes along and i leave.  i say goodbye to a ton of people and walk out.

when i get home, i start to worry.  i text him “is everything alright?”  his phone has been flighty, maybe it died, maybe he got in an accident, who knows?  i’m thinking the worst.  because honestly, it is doubtful that if he just “decided to not go” is a good enough reason for me to keep him around.  i’m trying not to be mad or protect my feelings prematurely. 

we’ll see what he says when i talk to him today…..and there is no way i’m texting or emailing him first.  at this point it is not about games, it is about being courteous, and he obviously has not, thus far, considered my feelings.

****************************************************************

so, after i finish my rant online i get in bed, i feel better, i usually do after i write.  well, i get this text from vegas at 1147:  “baby, i just woke up.  i don’t know how the fuck that happened.  i didn’t think i was that tired.”

i read it and put the phone down.  he has been sick.  he’s been on a bunch of medicine treating his symptoms, and i know how medicine effs me up.

then at 1148 he texts “you up?”

i reply “yes.  i’m glad you are ok.  i’ve never been stood up before.  it sucked.”

then he calls.  he still has his half asleep voice on.  he apologizes profusely.  he wasn’t ignoring or avoiding me, he was sleeping.  he asks if we are still on for thursday.  i say yes.  and he says he’ll make it up to me.

so we’ll see how tonight goes.

the weekend

it started, good, great even.  vegas stayed fri night and we rolled around in bed all morning sat.  he asked me if i was seeing anyone else.  i said “no, did you think i was?” and he said “no, but i don’t want to be presumptuous.”  and i said “vegas, this is good, we are good, i don’t want to see anyone else.”  we said our goodbyes and he headed to fredricksburg and i went to a dear friend’s baby shower. 

i had juliet, violetta and some other girlfriends over for games, wine and movie night.  it was loads of fun. 

i was asleep by midnight, and sunday was the game with bob. 

well, vegas was essentially making me miserable about it.  i was excited about the game but nervous about the conversations and texts that i knew would accompany the experience.  it was my first pro ball game and i don’t know why i should feel guilty about looking forward to it. 

i get why vegas is uneasy about it.  but, bottom line, he said it was ok.  he said he was being selfish and that he understood why it was important to me to keep this promise to bob.  i don’t know how he could think i would let anything happen when he was in my bed 4 nights last week, but i guess i didn’t do a good enough job assuring him.  and i can understand his insecurity.  if the situation was reversed, i don’t know how cool i would have been.

it is bob and this guy chris in my car.  it is FULL with tailgating food, grill, coolers, lots of stuff.  the drive there was easy, fun, we were laughing and everyone was excited.  we get there, and it is cold.  i am freezing.  i am keeping warm by standing close to the grill and drinking captain morgans and coke.  bob offers me his scarf, he has an extra hat in the car, he is overall being very nice.  but he usually is.

we are walking up to the game, and it is crowded.  i get nervous, look around for bob, and can’t see him.  i don’t remember being this anxious about crowds, but i was VERY overwhelmed.  bob appeared and asked me if i was ok.  i was practically hyper ventilating at this point, but we got to our seats, i sat down and calmed  instantly.

skins lost.  that stinks.  i hate dallas for so many reasons.  the least relevant is their football team, but is a good target to project my anger.

we made it to the car, dropped the boys off, and i was home by 1230am.  not too bad.  i was so tired from being SO cold for 7 hours, i passed out and slept to noon monday. 

vegas apologized for not handling it gracefully and i asked to see him that night.

he came over and as soon as he came in he took my face in his hands, looked me in the eye, breathed heavily and kissed me.  if i had been standing, i’m sure my knees would have buckled. 

he asked “are we ok?”

and i said “yes.”

things are good

really good with vegas.

it’s been about a month (he brought that up, btw), and things are good, great even.  we’ve figured out each other pretty well.  we are both enjoying how easy things are.  we both have a high level of comfort and are honest with each other.  and the sex, well, i didn’t think it could, but it just gets better.

vegas stayed thurs night and then fri morning he sends me a text saying “i’m working on a list of 11 things i like about you.” 

one big reason i feel good about vegas and me is because we don’t drink very much together, in fact, neither of us drink very much (except for the rare occasion) at all.  this is a good change from bob and most of the other guys i typically get involved with.  i think with bob, we never went to bed with less than 4 drinks in us and i don’t know why that was ok with me.  prob because of my history of bad relationships.  maybe because i knew bob was bad for me and the booze made it less intimate.  i ’m not sure, but i’m glad the book on bob is closed.

after last week, everyone must know about vegas and me.  cat out of bag.  not sure how the news was received from everyone, i’m sure quite a few were suprised.  i’m think i’m gonna bail on the thing wednesday and avoid those particularly awkward conversations. 

not like my week will be short of those, the football game is sunday.  great.

the saga of sucky continues

vegas and i had just talked about keeping things under wraps and last night we met at the club.  bob was there.  ophelia, wesley and violetta too.  well, after the show we went to clyde’s in tysons.  i show first, order vegas and myself some drinks, then he shows and we sit and talk for a few minutes.  then bob shows.  i don’t know what happened exactly, but i could feel vegas getting irritated, and as soon as wesley and some others showed, he left.  he just walked out.  ugh. 

so then i send him a text that says “we’re on for tomorrow, right?”

“that’s gotta stop.  i won’t be disrespected like that again” he replies.  what?

i say “do you want me to tell him?  bc then the cat is out of the bag.”

he says “why wouldn’t you tell him?”  seriously?  how many times do we have to say this?

well, everyone goes to the bathroom, kinda weird, and it is just wesley and me at the bar.  we’ve been friends forever, and he says “what’s wrong, what is with all the texting?”  and i say “well, umm, i’m seeing vegas.  it’s been a few weeks.”  and he says “OH, and bob doesn’t know, got it.”  and i say “exactly.”

so then, wesley takes this as his cue, leaves, the other guys leave too and it is just bob and me.  and bob says “so, miranda, what is new?”  and i say “well, i’m kinda seeing vegas.”  and he says “kinda seeing or seeing?”  and i say “seeing.  things happened right before the party, so it’s been a few weeks, we’ve been keeping things quiet but i wanted to make sure you heard it from me.” 

….

he takes a sip of his drink, gets quiet and says “miranda, i don’t want you to think you aren’t important to me.  introducing you to my roommates was a big deal for me, i know you might not see that, but i like you so much, and i just am not ready for anything ‘real.’  and i knew if we got any closer, i would have to be all in, and i wasn’t ready for that.  but vegas is a great guy, he’s liked you forever and he’ll treat you better than i can.”

there were so many questions running thru my mind, why he did things, why he didn’t do others.  but i didn’t ask them.  i just let him get it out.  i didn’t expect him to pour his heart out, i didn’t see that coming, but it was nice to hear that things weren’t one-sided.  a little late, but still nice to hear.

i say “bob, we are good though, everything is cool, right?”

and he says “of course, i can’t imagine my world without you in it.”

ugh.

then i say “i’m going home.  goodnight.”

then i text vegas “wesley and bob both know.  i’m heading home.  goodnight.”

and he calls.  he is irritated and short with me. 

all of a sudden things are feeling less fun and not easy.

 

i’m guessing i’m in for another “talk” tonight when he comes for dinner.

the status conversation

ugh.

so, last night vegas asked me to go to an early movie with him.  we went to see zach and miri make a porno which was pretty funny and very cute.  we went to the clyde’s in tysons after and sat down and had a beer.

a few days ago, i told vegas about promising to take bob to the redskins/cowboy game and he got a little pissy about it.  he started with humor “fine, bc i’m going on a date with herbie.”  one of our other friends.  ha.  then he got a little serious and said “you know that is a date, right?”  and i said “no, it isn’t.  i specified ‘non date’ terms.”  and he said “miranda, he isn’t gonna stop trying unless he knows you are involved.”  and then he said “as long as he knows you are seeing me, then it is fine.”

hmmmm.

so, now, we are sitting across from each other and he makes a joke how he told our friend tim and “the cat is out of the bag.”  we both laugh, he says he’s kidding and then he brings it up.  he says “i mean, what would i say?  we haven’t really talked about our ’status’ and not that we need to define things every step of the way, but we should probably discuss it.”

geez.

so i say “well, i’m not sleeping with anyone else.”  ha.  classic miranda!  obviously the issue isn’t the sex.  the sex is amazing, the issue is every thing else.  he kinda chuckles and he says “well, me neither.”  and then i say “well, i don’t really know how we’d have time or energy for that.”  ha.  wow.  then i say “but seriously, i don’t sleep with guys i don’t like and i’m having a lot of fun doing what we are doing.”  he says “me too, i think we should keep it quiet for a bit longer.”  i told him i was sorry about the situation about the game, and how i feel like an asshole for it and understand if he was upset.  i told him i would rather go with him, but, at this point, it is about keeping a promise to a friend. 

so now what?

keep it quiet, but tell bob.   how does that work?  as soon as bob knows, all our other friends are gonna know. 

 

help on deciphering this guy talk, please.  because i’m SO close to just asking vegas “what do you want me to say?”  that could be disastrous, and i don’t want to bring up the status conversation.

how do i…….

tell bob?  i don’t want him to hear it from anyone else.  i know he still likes me.  i want him to be clear about it and ask me any questions that he has. 

last night we were at that thing we go to on wednesdays.  i walk in see bob in the back, nod and wave, see ophelia and go sit next to her.  vegas is at the table too sitting right across from ophelia and we have friends coming up to us saying hello.

bob comes up and hugs me.  we exchange pleasantries and he goes back to where he is hanging. 

the show is dry.  a bunch of our friends go up.  vegas goes and then i let ophelia know i’m gonna bail after the next guy.  vegas is gonna leave 10 minutes after me and then come to my place.  we’ve planned this all out.  well, ophelia and i are walking out and bob comes up to us and says “are you prepared to be dazzled?”

and i say “bob, i’m leaving.”  and he says “i’m going up next.  come on.  we haven’t even gotten a chance to hang out.”  and i say “i’m sorry, bob, it’s been a bad week at work, i’m exhausted and going home.”

so, i say “goodbye” to a few other people, pay my tab and then leave in the middle of bob’s set. 

that was pretty shitty of me.

well, i just turn onto the toll road and my phone rings….it is bob.  he says “really?  miranda, really?”  and i said “i’m sorry i missed your bit, do you hate me?”  and he says “of course not.  i really just wanted to hang out with you and talk.”

ugh.

well, i don’t know what to even say here.  i don’t know what the “status” is for vegas and me.  we’ve agreed to keep a lid on it for awhile.  i just feel like bob will do better managing his feelings if he knows that i’m otherwise involved. 

but i’m still dreading telling him.

 

any suggestions on the delivery of this news?

this part

is my favorite. 

there are butterflies when i think about him.  i am restless when he is not around me.  there is laughing and playing and smiling in bed.  lazy mornings.  not caring about being tired after being up all night and not wanting to do anything but crawl back into bed with him.

mmmmm.

unfortunately “this part” doesn’t last for too long, eventually we’ll come up for air, and see the bright light facing us and have a talk about what this is, what it means?  is it just vast amounts of gratuitous sex?  is that all we both want?  are each of us ready for whatever is next? 

let’s get real here.  i like vegas.  a lot.  i don’t sleep with men i don’t like or care about.  but he is the one who will bring this up.  he has “the feelings.”  we’ve been friends for a year, we’ve been on about 19 dates and obviously like each other.  the chemistry is amazing.  the sex is FANTASTIC. 

i’m still healing from a lot of things and i don’t know if i’m ready to be any one’s girlfriend.  i cringe every time ophelia says “dating.”  ha. 

also vegas knows bob, they aren’t tight, but vegas knows about everything with bob and me.  we all have mutual friends, we hang out and vegas doesn’t want bob to know right now.  which is good.  this is also complicated, and here is why….

one of my patients gave me amazing seats on the field for the skins/cowboys game nov 16.  awesome, right?  well, this was in early sept, way before i thought anything would happen with vegas, right around bob’s bday.  and i told him we would go.  i’m taking bob to the game.  i can’t rescind that invitation.

i should probably mention that to vegas kinda soon.

bob asked me again via chat if i was gonna hang out wed night, and i said “no.”

and he says “another hot date?”

and i say “sometimes they happen on wednesdays.  but i’m gonna try and come to your show nov 7.”

and he says “if your lover will allow it.”

and i say “stop.” 

and he says “ok.”

i guess that actually works out pretty well.  bob knows i’m involved with someone.  and we were never going to the game “together.”  it was always just gonna be a friendly thing, but i confess that when i invited him, i was hoping that something might happen. 

but now he’s out of my head.  we are done.  we are just friends.  my romantic interest in him is gone.  but i do care about him as a person, and i want to be able to remain friends with him.  i know he likes me.  he will just have to get over it.

the party and the aftermath

i knew it was gonna be risky with having both bob and vegas at the single’s party. 

i’ve ignored vegas’s advances for about a year, but good things are worth waiting for.  we are having SO much fun.  he makes me laugh, he is charming, he is sweet and i feel like he really wants to be with me.  we have grown to be pretty close friends in the last year, and i trust him.  i love the way he talks about his family, i love the way he looks at me. i love the way he pulls me to him and holds the side of my face when he kisses me.  it blows my mind that two weeks ago, i didn’t see this coming at all.  i’ve been totally blind-sided.  and it is awesome.

well, i was excited to pretend to ignore vegas during the party.  we talked about it and decided that is was best to not “come out” with the info just yet.  especially to casual friends.  vegas was texting me throughout the party and was very sweet.  he pulled me into the kitchen when no one else was there, he pretended to be getting something from the fridge and kissed me under the cover of the door.  we had a series of covert making out sessions during the party and it was pretty hot.  i was definitely looking forward to him staying after the party.  we had talked about it, he was gonna stay, he had the parking pass already in his car. 

the exit strategy was perfect, at midnight, they start towing so everyone had to leave.  party started at 7, and i asked ophelia if she would initiate the leaving at 1030.  most people didn’t have the day off, so, i figured they would all wanna be out of here around that time anyway. 

the sangria was crucial.  i mixed 4 bottles of champagne with brandy and vodka, added grapefruit, tangerine, lime and a lite beer.  i froze half a tangerine, grapes and limes so it would keep the sangria cold, so i didn’t have to dilute it with ice cubes.  it was amazing.  anyway, after i got the food out, i relaxed a bit, had two glasses of sangria, and i was feeling great.  then i had a few beers…and i was no longer sober.

people were leaving, the texts from vegas got more and more detailed and suggestive.  i was having a great time.  before i know it, just vegas, bob and i remain.  awkward.  hmmm.  while bob is in the bathroom, vegas says to me that “bob is gonna try and stay” and i say “there is no way that he could think that is an option.”  ugh.

i am very tipsy, and notice that it is 1155, omg.  and i say “oh, geez, you guys have to go.  they start towing at midnight.”  bob and vegas both leave, but vegas just drives around and comes back.  awesome.  bob calls me at 1205, but i am already “busy” with vegas, and i don’t see that he’s called. 

when i check my phone in the morning, i see another missed call from bob and a text an hour later that says “goodnight drunk miranda.”  ha.  fair enough.

well then he calls the next day.  and he asks did i really “want him to leave.”  ugh.  and i say “i wanted everyone to leave, it was late, i was drunk, it was time.”  and he says “well, am i gonna see you wednesday, or are you gonna be out with your boyfriend?” and i say “i don’t have a boyfriend.” and he says ” well, one of your boys then.”  and i say “you don’t have to say it like that, i’m allowed to have ‘boys’ if i don’t have a ‘boyfriend.’” and he says “i know.” 

then i say “i don’t really feel like chatting, i’ll talk to you later.”  and i can tell he is upset about it, but wtf, what is wrong with him?  really?  really? 

he sends me a text a bit later that says “btw, your dog is the cutest ever.” 

i reply “i know.  i’m sorry i didn’t feel like chatting earlier.  i guess i don’t know what you want from me.”

and he says back “i wasn’t expecting to stay the night with you, i just felt like i was all of a sudden in the way and keeping you from vegas.” 

ugh.

i said “they start towing at midnight.”  that is all i wrote.  i didn’t want to confirm or deny any suggestion he was offering.

and he says “you said that already.”  and resumes easy comfortable chat about football and whatnot.

thank goodness.

and in the meantime all i can think about is vegas.  he is in my head and i am so glad he pushed bob out.