“by the time i was your age”

my cousin laura was in town for another cousin’s graduation this past weekend, and we were talking about the awkward conversations we’ve had with our grandparents. 

we’re both self supporting, intelligent women, who handle most situations with ease and grace, but for some reason that isn’t enough for my grandparents.

they are really wonderful people, and i know they just don’t want us to be alone, and have someone to make a future with.  but for laura and me that has always been secondary.  i find friends first that usually morph into lovers.  with time and alcohol.  that is usually what happens.

i was living with my grandparents the first few months i moved back to the area.  and it was nice to be near them bc i had been so far away for so long.  however, there is such a thing as being too close and too comfortable and when my grandfather told me that i “need to find a lover” one night, i suspected that time to be drawing near.

there are few things that bring on that “how could things have gone so wrong?” thought process as when your grandfather tells you that you need to get laid.

my grandmother told laura that she should get married soon, “before she dies.”  ha.  nana is a very healthy woman, and while she may be in her winter season, this is more about laying the guilt on thick.

more recently nana said to me “i had all my children by the time i was your age.”  yeah, that was in 1957.  things are a little different now.  mostly that i use 2 types of birth control to avoid that precise situation.  we use a condom every time and i’m on the pill.  ha.  so, thank goodness my other sister gave my mom a granddaughter and grandsons, bc desdemona and i are unlikely to fill that role.

i’m not saying i’d never have kids.  but a lot would have to change for me to make that decision.  bc it would never happen by accident, that just isn’t my personality.

nana and gramps don’t mean any harm.  i know they know we’ll be ok if we aren’t with someone, but i think they just don’t want us to be alone.  they’ve been married for 56 years, and i think they just wish that companionship for us.

if i got married right now, i would have to live to 86 to have that type of statistic.  that seems like a really long time.

i’m getting nervous just thinking about it.

not sure what to do

two of my very good friends had their marriage blessed on saturday.  these are two people i’d do anything for.  they are fierce friends and i’m so thankful they are in my life.  and they invited me to share in this beautiful ceremony on saturday and they invited vegas too.

i got the invite prob 2 months ago, and mentioned it to vegas and he said “he didn’t know.”  then the date got closer and i told him it was ok if he couldn’t go but i needed to tell them.  he said then “i don’t think i can.”  no prob, i responded saying i’d be solo.

so the weekend approaches and i ask him what he is doing on sat and he says “eh, not much, show at the drafthouse at 1030pm.” 

wtf.

so, it wasn’t that he “couldn’t go,” it was that he “wouldn’t go.”  or didn’t want to go?  i don’t know.  i don’t get it.

first of all, the blessing started at 6pm.  he could’ve stayed until 9pm then driven back and been in arlington in time for the drafthouse at 1030.

ok, i guess this is my issue:  what is the point of having a boyfriend, if he isn’t your date to weddings?  or to standard other stuff.  it has been 7 months, shouldn’t he want to go with me?

i mean, i guess if this is the only thing he’s really done wrong, than i can’t get that mad.  can i?  i guess it is the people too.  these are two people who i consider family, and a ton of my oldest, best friends were also there.  and he missed it.  for a crappy show, he missed it.

so what do i do?  i know i should ask him why he wasn’t there with me.  but what if he says something i don’t like?  i’m trying to think of an explanation that would end up with me not being upset about it anymore, but it is hard.  i don’t expect him to read my mind, but for something like this i didn’t think he’d need to. 

 

advice please.

who pays?

so i just got a new job.  i’m making a good bit more than previously and finally feel like i’m getting a grip on my financial situation.  i can breathe.  and it feels good.

well, vegas’s hours were cut by the firm.  he wasn’t laid off, but he’s still incurred a “standard of living change.”  usually he pays for most everything.  he doesn’t even let me.  he’s already bought the tickets when i get to the movies and he usually won’t let me buy the popcorn.  he is very generous.  well, i wanted to do something nice and buy us tickets to a yankee’s game in baltimore and he wouldn’t let me.  instead of going out to dinner i suggested me picking up a pizza on my way over to his place last week.  and he told me over and over that i didn’t have to and that he’ll get the next one. 

i mean,  it isn’t like he’s a mooch.  i’m just trying to make things easier.  am i emasculating him? 

let’s face it.  it is tough out there for everyone.  i feel fortunate to be in the position i am in and am 29.  independent.  stable.  and i’ve worked hard to get there.  so it is as hard for me to accept gifts of dinners or anything else as it is for him.  so what do i do?  i didn’t buy the yankee’s tickets, but next time i probably just won’t ask.  and that is probably worse. 

eh.  help!  advice?

valentines day advice. anyone? anyone?

so, vegas and i are 4 months in.  things are going great.  i’m really happy with us, and i’m glad things have panned out the way they have.

having said that…..i’ve never subscribed to the idea of valentine’s day.  i’ve always thought it was pretty much bullshit.  historically i’ve celebrated with a movie, some beer and pizza.  that way, i’m never fighting crowds.  we’re still hanging out together.  but it isn’t a high pressure situation where anyone is spending too much money.

now, i’ve been called “tactless,” “uncouth” and “insensitive.”  i am not emotional the way a lot of females are and i know i’ve hurt feelings of guys’ before because i assumed they thought something was stupid.

the difference, is that i really like vegas, and don’t want to hurt his feelings.  he already brought me valentines day cupcakes from his mom.  so, maybe he likes this holiday.  what do i say?  how do i recommend us not really doing anything without sounding like a negative nancy?  violetta says that “if it seems like he’s into it, can you just let him enjoy himself by showering you with attention?”

ha.  maybe i’ll give that a try.

should i get him something?  what?  what do you get a guy that you’ve been dating for 4 months for valentine’s day?  i could make him dinner.  but we do that all the time.  but i like that.  hm.  maybe i should just ask him.

 

help!

sex hair

i have long hair.  really long, thick brown hair.  when it is down and loose, it is about 4 inches from the small of my back.  really long.

well.  after mine and vegas’s sexual endeavors, my hair is ridiculous.  there could be a sloth nesting on the top of my head and you wouldn’t know after this mass of matted mess. 

i spend probably 2 hours trying to coax my bad bed head back into lovely locks.  i use at least 3 types of conditioners and detanglers trying to make it easier and it might help a bit, but not really.

to be honest, i don’t mind a bit of hair pulling, i even like it a little.  but the hair brushing thing is getting on my nerves.

anyone know a way to prevent sex hair?  is there a product?

work function

so, i have a work function coming up, it is a dinner, and the invitation is for me “and guest.”

hmmm.

so, i’m trying to decide if i want to invite vegas to go with me.  it’s been 3 months.  things are great.  but i’m not sure if i’m ready to let those things mix yet.  i’m pretty happy in my pretty compartmentalized reality.

i know his friends and family.

he knows a lot of my friends and sister pretty well.

and that is comfortable to me. 

plus my boss is a wench and i don’t really feel like going myself, so why bring him?  hmm. 

any advice?  any suggestions?

 

juliet!  wanna come with?  next sat 615.  the gnocchi is delicious!

 

***we had a great date night last night.  i made a pot roast, he brought the baguette, we watched “pineapple express” and then went to bed.  and i’m sure my neighbors hate us.

the crazy christian

ok.  wtf.  this guy is driving me nuts.  he’s texted me and emailed me numerous times and today he texts me this:

“having friends over here for our film of faith night we do each saturday.  i am not sure how you will react to this:  i won’t hang out with women alone, especially you, because i don’t want to tempt myself to sin against jesus.  if you still want to be friends, let me know.”

whoa.  i’ve never slept with him before, i don’t know why he would think i would sleep with him now. 

dude.

i text back:  i wasn’t going to sin with you.  i’m seeing someone.  it sounds like us being friends depends on whether or not you can handle it.”

geez. 

 

***i’m so excited to see vegas tomorrow.  i miss him loads and it will be so good to hang out for a bit.  we get to watch football and take it easy and i don’t have to work on monday, so i bet i convince him to stay sunday night.  which would be awesome.

“who is this?”

last night vegas came over and we went to dinner and then he gave me my christmas present.  violetta, brace yourself.  he got me a tale of two cities by charles dickens.  i read it every year, i love it, and had complained to him that i couldn’t find my copy since we moved in august.  he said he left the other half of my present at home, so we’ll see what it is later.

we went to bed really early, like 830.  we were both tired.  so we put the dark knight into my laptop and watched it while laying down.  at 1030 my phone rings.  i don’t recognize the number, but it is local and i pick it up, thinking it might be an  emergency. 

i pick up and say “hello?”  and the voice on the other line says “hey miranda!  i’m back in town!”  and i say “who is this?”  and he says “hey miranda, it is the christian.”  whoa.  what?  i haven’t heard from him in a year and a half.  vegas is asleep and i don’t want to wake him, so i get out of bed and head to the family room.  we talk for just a few minutes.  i agree to have coffee with him.

i go back to bed, vegas is in the bathroom, he comes out and says “who was that?”  and i say “an old friend from high school.”  and he says “an old boyfriend?”  and i say “yes, the only one who ever cheated on me.”  then vegas says “well, he’s an idiot.”

we got back in bed and he puts his arm around me and says ” i want to spend christmas with you.”  and i say “i know, that would be great, but at least we have new year’s.  i don’t care what we do, as long as i am with you.”  and he says “i want to be with you all the time.”

when did this happen?   when did i become this girl?  i am crazy about this guy.  i can’t wait till the next time we are together. 

 

***oh, and the christian had called me 3 times, texted me twice and emailed me once.  geez.  any ideas about how to get rid of a nice-enough-but-honestly-never-going-to-go-out-with-this-guy-again ex boyfriend?

the mormon

that is what my whole family called him.  yes, he was mormon, but i didn’t care.  i didn’t think he cared that i wasn’t.  we were in high school.  junior and senior year, it was a tortured/forbidden type of relationship. 

he wanted me bc he would be breaking the rules and i wanted him because i thought him breaking rules to be with me was a gallant testament of his feelings for me.  both of us were wrong.  when love is about everything else, and not about the person you’re with, it will never work.  and that is what happened.  at one point he told me he “wanted to be with [me] forever, and all [i] had to do [is] convert.”  i said “no.”

he was quickly distracted by another girl, one who was catholic AND had a boyfriend.  she was a hussy.  yeah, i said it.  he never cheated on or broke up with me…he just ignored me to the point where i we might as well not be dating, so i broke up with him.  it was cool, mutual.  we had never had sex, so it was a pretty easy break after a 6 or 7 month thing.

he went to jmu, and had a bad break up with the hussy.  she cheated on him.  what?  was i surprised?  no, i wasn’t.  because that is what hussies do.  but i skipped the “i told you so” conversation and just asked if he was ok.  when he asked me to come up there from tech, i was nervous.  i mean, we had established a firm friendship, but i wasn’t sure if he was expecting any sympathy or rebound gestures on my part. 

well, he was, but i didn’t oblige.  i mean, come on.  we didn’t really talk again.  not that i remember. 

he’s married now.  not mormon.  married another ex-mormon.  that sounds good…seems like they figured that out.

something that i find interesting as i write this and remember is my consistant need for the big gesture.  why do i need the men in my life to make some huge thing to prove they want to be with me?  why is the idea of being in a relationship with me so ridiculous, that i feel the need to substantiate it with some life changing decision?  the christian, the columbian, the mormon, all tortured relationships, without clean easy ends.  why have i always been so uneasy about it?  what is wrong with me?

 

***vegas is leaving for fredricksburg today and i won’t see him until sunday night or monday.   i’m stressed about this.  well, not really.  i’m stressed that i miss him already.  we had dinner last night.  and the night before.  i am crazy about him, and he’s the same way.  i feel like i’m falling thru quicksand when i’m not with him, and when he is around, i am so still, and calm, and things are better.

the status conversation

ugh.

so, last night vegas asked me to go to an early movie with him.  we went to see zach and miri make a porno which was pretty funny and very cute.  we went to the clyde’s in tysons after and sat down and had a beer.

a few days ago, i told vegas about promising to take bob to the redskins/cowboy game and he got a little pissy about it.  he started with humor “fine, bc i’m going on a date with herbie.”  one of our other friends.  ha.  then he got a little serious and said “you know that is a date, right?”  and i said “no, it isn’t.  i specified ‘non date’ terms.”  and he said “miranda, he isn’t gonna stop trying unless he knows you are involved.”  and then he said “as long as he knows you are seeing me, then it is fine.”

hmmmm.

so, now, we are sitting across from each other and he makes a joke how he told our friend tim and “the cat is out of the bag.”  we both laugh, he says he’s kidding and then he brings it up.  he says “i mean, what would i say?  we haven’t really talked about our ’status’ and not that we need to define things every step of the way, but we should probably discuss it.”

geez.

so i say “well, i’m not sleeping with anyone else.”  ha.  classic miranda!  obviously the issue isn’t the sex.  the sex is amazing, the issue is every thing else.  he kinda chuckles and he says “well, me neither.”  and then i say “well, i don’t really know how we’d have time or energy for that.”  ha.  wow.  then i say “but seriously, i don’t sleep with guys i don’t like and i’m having a lot of fun doing what we are doing.”  he says “me too, i think we should keep it quiet for a bit longer.”  i told him i was sorry about the situation about the game, and how i feel like an asshole for it and understand if he was upset.  i told him i would rather go with him, but, at this point, it is about keeping a promise to a friend. 

so now what?

keep it quiet, but tell bob.   how does that work?  as soon as bob knows, all our other friends are gonna know. 

 

help on deciphering this guy talk, please.  because i’m SO close to just asking vegas “what do you want me to say?”  that could be disastrous, and i don’t want to bring up the status conversation.