weekend vacation

so i feel like i want to take a nice relaxing vacation.  like a real one.  not one with a gazillion kids in the car or where i’m doing more running around than enjoying myself.

i’m thinking three/four days.  maybe a cruise, or a trip to cabo.  maybe vegas, i haven’t been there in ages.  anyway i’m telling this to vegas, obviously suggesting it for both of us…and he keeps diverting back to the singular.  wtf? 

“where are you gonna go?” 

“you’ll have a really great time.”

“where would you stay?”

boo.  it hurt my feelings.

everything is ok

thank you for your concern. 

my lapse in postings isn’t because of anything in particular.  i’ve been busy and tired.  and things have been pretty ordinary, so i haven’t been inspired to write much.

i didn’t get to see vegas from monday to saturday night last week.  that is a pretty long time for us.  i would say we spend about 4 or 5 nights out of 7 together.  any way, everything is still great.  except….

i’m sore.  my hips and back and abs.  it wasn’t anything different, it was just the volume of sex.

it is funny what i think would be inappropriate to post.  i think posting the exact number would be lewd, but i have no problem suggesting the frequency.  ha. 

it was a lot.

last night i didn’t sleep

and not for any fun reason like you might be thinking.

i’ll be honest, i  was exhausted.  my good friend nicole and i went wine tasting that afternoon, ate a big lunch, then i went to vegas’s and had a beer and gatorade and we watched a movie and i was so tired.  but i couldn’t sleep.

this whole weekend i’ve surrounded myself and distracted myself bc i can’t help thinking that it is my ex’s birthday today.  it is just another day, but it was a day that held deep consequence for me for 7 years.  and out of habit, or conditioning, maybe, i can’t get it out of my head.

this is probably unfair, but i feel like someone who gave CPR to a person who still ended up dead.  as much as he didn’t deserve it and even though, i probably cause more self-injury by staying longer than i should have, i still feel guilty for failing at the relationship.  not him.  i hate him.  but the life i had built, even though most of it was alone, i feel guilty for giving up.  for admitting defeat and running for safety.

i also decided that i have to start forgiving myself for that, which makes me cry every time i think about it.  i didn’t realize that part of me has been holding the other hostage until i admitted that i was punishing myself.  as if he didn’t do enough or the divorce didn’t take enough out of me.  part of me believed that was all i deserved and that was what my life was supposed to be.  i honestly believed that it was my chance at love, and i blew it. 

every time i think i’m getting so much better, things i don’t even realize are bothering me seem to blow up in my face.  i know it is good that i’m admitting the pain and the guilt and accepting that and moving on, but it is not that easy.  being strong and admitting vulnerability and wounds is hard.  it is impossible.

“nothing is hard and scary forever” right?  i just need to keep remebering that this will pass.

“by the time i was your age”

my cousin laura was in town for another cousin’s graduation this past weekend, and we were talking about the awkward conversations we’ve had with our grandparents. 

we’re both self supporting, intelligent women, who handle most situations with ease and grace, but for some reason that isn’t enough for my grandparents.

they are really wonderful people, and i know they just don’t want us to be alone, and have someone to make a future with.  but for laura and me that has always been secondary.  i find friends first that usually morph into lovers.  with time and alcohol.  that is usually what happens.

i was living with my grandparents the first few months i moved back to the area.  and it was nice to be near them bc i had been so far away for so long.  however, there is such a thing as being too close and too comfortable and when my grandfather told me that i “need to find a lover” one night, i suspected that time to be drawing near.

there are few things that bring on that “how could things have gone so wrong?” thought process as when your grandfather tells you that you need to get laid.

my grandmother told laura that she should get married soon, “before she dies.”  ha.  nana is a very healthy woman, and while she may be in her winter season, this is more about laying the guilt on thick.

more recently nana said to me “i had all my children by the time i was your age.”  yeah, that was in 1957.  things are a little different now.  mostly that i use 2 types of birth control to avoid that precise situation.  we use a condom every time and i’m on the pill.  ha.  so, thank goodness my other sister gave my mom a granddaughter and grandsons, bc desdemona and i are unlikely to fill that role.

i’m not saying i’d never have kids.  but a lot would have to change for me to make that decision.  bc it would never happen by accident, that just isn’t my personality.

nana and gramps don’t mean any harm.  i know they know we’ll be ok if we aren’t with someone, but i think they just don’t want us to be alone.  they’ve been married for 56 years, and i think they just wish that companionship for us.

if i got married right now, i would have to live to 86 to have that type of statistic.  that seems like a really long time.

i’m getting nervous just thinking about it.

starry undies

so, this is funny.  and a little embarrassing.

i texted vegas yesterday “i just bought 4th of july underwear.”

and he writes back “yes!”

and then he writes “are you at target?”

and i write “um, no.  victoria  secret online.”

i can’t figure out which one of us is the asshole.

5 for $25 ladies, get em!

my monthly

normally, i’m not a high maintenance chick.  i don’t cling.  i don’t whine.  i say it like i mean it and avoid passive aggressiveness and drama.

i always know when i’m about to start my monthly bc i start to get girly.  not that it is a bad thing.  but i can do without crying at “family guy” and the rain making me feel like the world is going to end.  i’ve almost broken up with vegas 4 times this week and i know my monthly is to blame.  not only do i not get to have sex, but i’m moody, and irritated, and crampy. 

and no sex.  ugh.  well, at least i’m not pregnant.

the hickey

vegas gave me a hickey on saturday afternoon.  wtf.  we were in the middle of it and i stopped and said “did you just give me a hickey?”  and he said “eh, maybe, sorry.”  and he did.  it wasn’t very dark, it looked like a scrape on my neck.  

i didn’t really give it any more thought when we went out later until our friend will brought it up.  he actually pointed it out and then told another of our friends.  ugh.

i definitely covered it up for work on monday, but by today, it had faded enough to not worry.

29 and still getting hickies. 

yikes!

i told vegas it was gone and he said “time for another one.” 

haha.  no.

gchat

i have pretty much the best job ever.  it keeps me very busy, i love the people, i’m good at what i do and i’m recognized for that effort.  my bosses also understand that we all have lives outside of the office and have no problem with us checking our facebook pages and gchatting if we aren’t in the middle of a project.

well, the bosses are away, and have been away for 2 weeks and it has been slow.  i have a few scattered projects, but i’ve been doing a lot of reading and catching up on my news while i’ve been chatting with my friends on gchat.

i don’t chat as much as i used to since violetta’s work blocked it and platonic pat blocked me.  but i usually have it open, and chat here and there.

vegas joined gchat yesterday, his new job allows it too and at first i was nervous.  what if gchat ruins our relationship?  what if it reveals that we aren’t as compatible as we think we are?  what if i’m not as witty and clever on chat as i am in person, and he loses interest?  what if he isn’t?

well, crisis averted, he logged in at 145pm and we chatted straight to 458pm when we both got to leave.  we chatted about anything and everything.  we decided we are going to go on a double date with his brother and girlfriend.  picked the menu for an upcoming party i might be throwing.

long story short, gchat isn’t bad for my relationship, but it might be bad when we are busier at work. 

ha.

a hard time

i have a friend going thru a hard time, and consequently, some mutual friends and i are having a difficult time trying to support him.  it is tough when you see someone you love make choices that are unhealthy and self destructive.  i hate it.  and it’s really upsetting to me.

well, i told vegas a little bit about it, just because i needed someone to talk to on the outside, who doesn’t really know everyone involved, and he was really great.  i thought he might be judgemental and not understand why i was really upset but he just listened and held me close and then he told me a relevant situation of someone very close to him who had a similar problem.  i was really surprised at his anecdote bc it was about someone so close and bc it was something very intimate about him that must have been hard to share. 

it made me think how the most intimate things are not usually sexually oriented.  at least, not to me.  meeting family, discussing plans, people who’ve hurt me or loved me….when i talk about those things, that is very intimate to me.  i don’t casually put those things on the table, so that conversation is a testament to me being close to vegas.  he trusted me with this information that i’m sure he’s told very few people, and that is an honor and a privilege.

when it comes to the great conversations of your life, i think of probably different things than you do.  the first time a sibling or parent tries to talk you out of dating someone that everyone else knows is bad for you.  the conversation where you tell your spouse it is really over and you are packing your things and leaving.  the time your grandmother tells you how her inlaws made her feel unwelcome and inferior and how she’ll never make anyone else feel that way.  when you have to tell your nephews “well, he’s not your uncle anymore.” 

when i can share that level of information with you, when i can really be honest about the way other people make me feel, that is really intimacy for me.

christopher II

so, if you remember, or if you haven’t read so far back, christopher is the only guy who has ever broken my heart.

ripped it out.

i still have the notebook where i drew pictures of him and wrote poetry about him.  yes.  me.  ugh.

well, he’s on facebook (we’re not friends).  and we have a mutual friend who i’ve lost touch with.  let’s call her rose.  so i write to him “hey chris, hope you are great.  i’m wondering if you have the contact info for rose.  i lost touch with her and was hoping to reconnect with her.”

he writes back after 2 weeks:  “hey.  i actually do have rose’s info.  it is below.  tell her i say hi.”

and that was it.  that is all he said. 

ouch.