what would you do differently?

violetta and i were talking a while back and she asked me “knowing what you know now, what would you have done differently in high school?”

and i said “i’d have been sluttier.” 

ha.  no hesitation.

evidence of my former life

we had a yard sale this past saturday.  i’d been meaning to go thru some boxes but had been dreading it.  my hope chest and about 4 other boxes were full of stuff i hadn’t looked at since they were shipped from my ex.

ex husband.  ex home.  ex life.

i opened my hope chest, a gift from my nana, to see scarves i’d collected from all over the world.  then i see frames which i quickly looked at, and depending on the photo, i either smiled at or flipped over, removed the picture from the frame, ripped it up and put the frame in a bin for sale.

i saw several perfumed waxes from turkey, soapstone figurines from greece, and other treasures that i’d blocked out with all the bad that had visited me in the last 4 years.

i pulled on what i thought was a scarf, but it was my wedding veil, which quickly went into the trash bag so i wouldn’t have to see it anymore.  there were more pictures from my wedding.  people who were no longer my family.  i threw them out.  i don’t even feel bad about it.

there was a framed picture of my ex and me at our wedding.  i looked only long enough to see that he had crushed the glass and decided to send it to me anyway.  thank goodness the frame was there, and not me, to receive that dose of anger.

and that was the worst of it.  i packed the stuff up, threw it away.  cried just a bit.  and went to see vegas.

i realize that i’ve blocked a lot of good out with the bad.  but honestly, i think the bad outweighs the good and puts everything in its shadow.  i have a hard time compartmentalizing that time in my life, and it is easier for me to pretend it never happened than to acknowledge that there were small bits of happiness that occurred.

there are small things that remind me, i try not to think of them.  in a situation like this, i think it was better that i deal with it, so i don’t have to again.  that may be cowardice, but it’s working so far, and i don’t know what else to do.

ouch!

i was making chicken alfredo sunday night and i accidently grabbed the wrong end of the pan (the one without the handle) with my left thumb and index finger.  it really hurt.  i actually think i have the pan’s insignia blazed into my thumb, it is not so good.

anyway, i grabbed a waterbottle out of the freezer that was about a third of the way filled with ice.  the burn hurt so much if i took my thumb off the ice for more than 15 seconds, the pain was intolerable.

i went to sleep holding the bottle.  i also went to sleep with vegas, who helped me undress bc i couldn’t undo the fastener on my bra or the zipper on my jeans.  thankfully he has ample experience doing both.

normally when we take ice to bed, it plays a very different role.

more than empire strikes back

this weekend vegas told me he loves me more than empire strikes back, which is his favorite starwars movie.

i told him i love him more than indiana jones which is an equal exchange of our nerdy affection.

one missed call

i’m in the middle of my day, and i look at my phone and see a missed call.  from what number?  it looks familiar mostly because it begins with my ex’s area code.

and then all the breath goes out of my chest, my heart sinks into my stomach and i feel like i’m going to throw up.

i hate that he has this power over me.  i don’t even know if it was him, i erased his number long ago.  but just that hint, just that forced memory has ruined my day.  i feel scared and helpless and i’m nervous about being anywhere alone.

all i want to do is hide in my room and go to sleep.

i’ll face the world again tomorrow.