last night i didn’t sleep

and not for any fun reason like you might be thinking.

i’ll be honest, i  was exhausted.  my good friend nicole and i went wine tasting that afternoon, ate a big lunch, then i went to vegas’s and had a beer and gatorade and we watched a movie and i was so tired.  but i couldn’t sleep.

this whole weekend i’ve surrounded myself and distracted myself bc i can’t help thinking that it is my ex’s birthday today.  it is just another day, but it was a day that held deep consequence for me for 7 years.  and out of habit, or conditioning, maybe, i can’t get it out of my head.

this is probably unfair, but i feel like someone who gave CPR to a person who still ended up dead.  as much as he didn’t deserve it and even though, i probably cause more self-injury by staying longer than i should have, i still feel guilty for failing at the relationship.  not him.  i hate him.  but the life i had built, even though most of it was alone, i feel guilty for giving up.  for admitting defeat and running for safety.

i also decided that i have to start forgiving myself for that, which makes me cry every time i think about it.  i didn’t realize that part of me has been holding the other hostage until i admitted that i was punishing myself.  as if he didn’t do enough or the divorce didn’t take enough out of me.  part of me believed that was all i deserved and that was what my life was supposed to be.  i honestly believed that it was my chance at love, and i blew it. 

every time i think i’m getting so much better, things i don’t even realize are bothering me seem to blow up in my face.  i know it is good that i’m admitting the pain and the guilt and accepting that and moving on, but it is not that easy.  being strong and admitting vulnerability and wounds is hard.  it is impossible.

“nothing is hard and scary forever” right?  i just need to keep remebering that this will pass.

“by the time i was your age”

my cousin laura was in town for another cousin’s graduation this past weekend, and we were talking about the awkward conversations we’ve had with our grandparents. 

we’re both self supporting, intelligent women, who handle most situations with ease and grace, but for some reason that isn’t enough for my grandparents.

they are really wonderful people, and i know they just don’t want us to be alone, and have someone to make a future with.  but for laura and me that has always been secondary.  i find friends first that usually morph into lovers.  with time and alcohol.  that is usually what happens.

i was living with my grandparents the first few months i moved back to the area.  and it was nice to be near them bc i had been so far away for so long.  however, there is such a thing as being too close and too comfortable and when my grandfather told me that i “need to find a lover” one night, i suspected that time to be drawing near.

there are few things that bring on that “how could things have gone so wrong?” thought process as when your grandfather tells you that you need to get laid.

my grandmother told laura that she should get married soon, “before she dies.”  ha.  nana is a very healthy woman, and while she may be in her winter season, this is more about laying the guilt on thick.

more recently nana said to me “i had all my children by the time i was your age.”  yeah, that was in 1957.  things are a little different now.  mostly that i use 2 types of birth control to avoid that precise situation.  we use a condom every time and i’m on the pill.  ha.  so, thank goodness my other sister gave my mom a granddaughter and grandsons, bc desdemona and i are unlikely to fill that role.

i’m not saying i’d never have kids.  but a lot would have to change for me to make that decision.  bc it would never happen by accident, that just isn’t my personality.

nana and gramps don’t mean any harm.  i know they know we’ll be ok if we aren’t with someone, but i think they just don’t want us to be alone.  they’ve been married for 56 years, and i think they just wish that companionship for us.

if i got married right now, i would have to live to 86 to have that type of statistic.  that seems like a really long time.

i’m getting nervous just thinking about it.

starry undies

so, this is funny.  and a little embarrassing.

i texted vegas yesterday “i just bought 4th of july underwear.”

and he writes back “yes!”

and then he writes “are you at target?”

and i write “um, no.  victoria  secret online.”

i can’t figure out which one of us is the asshole.

5 for $25 ladies, get em!

my monthly

normally, i’m not a high maintenance chick.  i don’t cling.  i don’t whine.  i say it like i mean it and avoid passive aggressiveness and drama.

i always know when i’m about to start my monthly bc i start to get girly.  not that it is a bad thing.  but i can do without crying at “family guy” and the rain making me feel like the world is going to end.  i’ve almost broken up with vegas 4 times this week and i know my monthly is to blame.  not only do i not get to have sex, but i’m moody, and irritated, and crampy. 

and no sex.  ugh.  well, at least i’m not pregnant.

the hickey

vegas gave me a hickey on saturday afternoon.  wtf.  we were in the middle of it and i stopped and said “did you just give me a hickey?”  and he said “eh, maybe, sorry.”  and he did.  it wasn’t very dark, it looked like a scrape on my neck.  

i didn’t really give it any more thought when we went out later until our friend will brought it up.  he actually pointed it out and then told another of our friends.  ugh.

i definitely covered it up for work on monday, but by today, it had faded enough to not worry.

29 and still getting hickies. 

yikes!

i told vegas it was gone and he said “time for another one.” 

haha.  no.