gchat

i have pretty much the best job ever.  it keeps me very busy, i love the people, i’m good at what i do and i’m recognized for that effort.  my bosses also understand that we all have lives outside of the office and have no problem with us checking our facebook pages and gchatting if we aren’t in the middle of a project.

well, the bosses are away, and have been away for 2 weeks and it has been slow.  i have a few scattered projects, but i’ve been doing a lot of reading and catching up on my news while i’ve been chatting with my friends on gchat.

i don’t chat as much as i used to since violetta’s work blocked it and platonic pat blocked me.  but i usually have it open, and chat here and there.

vegas joined gchat yesterday, his new job allows it too and at first i was nervous.  what if gchat ruins our relationship?  what if it reveals that we aren’t as compatible as we think we are?  what if i’m not as witty and clever on chat as i am in person, and he loses interest?  what if he isn’t?

well, crisis averted, he logged in at 145pm and we chatted straight to 458pm when we both got to leave.  we chatted about anything and everything.  we decided we are going to go on a double date with his brother and girlfriend.  picked the menu for an upcoming party i might be throwing.

long story short, gchat isn’t bad for my relationship, but it might be bad when we are busier at work. 

ha.

a hard time

i have a friend going thru a hard time, and consequently, some mutual friends and i are having a difficult time trying to support him.  it is tough when you see someone you love make choices that are unhealthy and self destructive.  i hate it.  and it’s really upsetting to me.

well, i told vegas a little bit about it, just because i needed someone to talk to on the outside, who doesn’t really know everyone involved, and he was really great.  i thought he might be judgemental and not understand why i was really upset but he just listened and held me close and then he told me a relevant situation of someone very close to him who had a similar problem.  i was really surprised at his anecdote bc it was about someone so close and bc it was something very intimate about him that must have been hard to share. 

it made me think how the most intimate things are not usually sexually oriented.  at least, not to me.  meeting family, discussing plans, people who’ve hurt me or loved me….when i talk about those things, that is very intimate to me.  i don’t casually put those things on the table, so that conversation is a testament to me being close to vegas.  he trusted me with this information that i’m sure he’s told very few people, and that is an honor and a privilege.

when it comes to the great conversations of your life, i think of probably different things than you do.  the first time a sibling or parent tries to talk you out of dating someone that everyone else knows is bad for you.  the conversation where you tell your spouse it is really over and you are packing your things and leaving.  the time your grandmother tells you how her inlaws made her feel unwelcome and inferior and how she’ll never make anyone else feel that way.  when you have to tell your nephews “well, he’s not your uncle anymore.” 

when i can share that level of information with you, when i can really be honest about the way other people make me feel, that is really intimacy for me.

christopher II

so, if you remember, or if you haven’t read so far back, christopher is the only guy who has ever broken my heart.

ripped it out.

i still have the notebook where i drew pictures of him and wrote poetry about him.  yes.  me.  ugh.

well, he’s on facebook (we’re not friends).  and we have a mutual friend who i’ve lost touch with.  let’s call her rose.  so i write to him “hey chris, hope you are great.  i’m wondering if you have the contact info for rose.  i lost touch with her and was hoping to reconnect with her.”

he writes back after 2 weeks:  “hey.  i actually do have rose’s info.  it is below.  tell her i say hi.”

and that was it.  that is all he said. 

ouch.

long distance relationships

so, my good friend p just broke up with his girl.  she was here temporarily and left about 6 weeks ago to go home to thailand.  p is upset.  i don’t blame him.  she is a great girl but once something goes long distance the dynamic of the relationship changes.  it has to.

p put it best when he said that bc there was a language barrier between them, most of their communication was non verbal.  and that wasn’t translating across the internet or over the phone.  how could it?

long distance relationships suck.  they are big hellos and sad goodbyes.  airports and making plans, but not living for right now.  everything, every hope is in the future.  and that sucks and it is hard.

he asked for my advice, how he could make it work and i said this “p, i’ve done the long distance.  i’ve slept alone, and i was always faithful, and i never minded being apart because i knew i’d be with him eventually.  well, eventually we got married and it still didn’t work.  we resented eachother and felt guilty for resenting eachother and i had completely fallen out of love with him.  and isn’t that an instance when it worked out the best it could?  we stuck out the long distance, and then got married, then we were long distance again, and we were strangers.”

and then i said “to be clear, that isn’t why the relationship ended.  but it didn’t make things better.”

to be honest, i’ll never go long distance again.  vegas had talked about moving to LA, and if he did, i wouldn’t go with him, and i’d end things.  i’m 29.  i hate sleeping alone.  and i’m not going to be tied down to hold onto something that mostly likely will not last.  and what is the best case scenario?

what is the most you can ask for in a long distance relationship?  that there are feelings deep enough that after months of not seeing eachother, you’ll still be in love? 

i know me.  and i’ve fallen out of love.  and i’ll never be in a long distance relationship again.

not sure what to do

two of my very good friends had their marriage blessed on saturday.  these are two people i’d do anything for.  they are fierce friends and i’m so thankful they are in my life.  and they invited me to share in this beautiful ceremony on saturday and they invited vegas too.

i got the invite prob 2 months ago, and mentioned it to vegas and he said “he didn’t know.”  then the date got closer and i told him it was ok if he couldn’t go but i needed to tell them.  he said then “i don’t think i can.”  no prob, i responded saying i’d be solo.

so the weekend approaches and i ask him what he is doing on sat and he says “eh, not much, show at the drafthouse at 1030pm.” 

wtf.

so, it wasn’t that he “couldn’t go,” it was that he “wouldn’t go.”  or didn’t want to go?  i don’t know.  i don’t get it.

first of all, the blessing started at 6pm.  he could’ve stayed until 9pm then driven back and been in arlington in time for the drafthouse at 1030.

ok, i guess this is my issue:  what is the point of having a boyfriend, if he isn’t your date to weddings?  or to standard other stuff.  it has been 7 months, shouldn’t he want to go with me?

i mean, i guess if this is the only thing he’s really done wrong, than i can’t get that mad.  can i?  i guess it is the people too.  these are two people who i consider family, and a ton of my oldest, best friends were also there.  and he missed it.  for a crappy show, he missed it.

so what do i do?  i know i should ask him why he wasn’t there with me.  but what if he says something i don’t like?  i’m trying to think of an explanation that would end up with me not being upset about it anymore, but it is hard.  i don’t expect him to read my mind, but for something like this i didn’t think he’d need to. 

 

advice please.

everything it should be

the other night, vegas and i were getting into it.  we had spent pretty much the entire weekend together and we still couldn’t keep our hands off each other.  it is intoxicating around him.  it is like all the forces in the universe are willing us to be closer.  i can’t expain it.

anyway, we both….eh…finished and collapsed in a heap and he said “miranda, sex with you is everything it should be.”

can i make you lunch?

it’s been a few weeks since i’ve written.  i’ve been out of town and really busy with work.  

so………..still with vegas.  things are good.  sex is fantastic. 

a few weeks ago, i stayed over there on a work night and woke up the next morning.  i was getting dressed, and he asked me if he should make me a lunch.  i said “sure.”

so he hands me a bag.  kisses me goodbye and off i go.

i look into the bag to see what is instore for me, and find the following packed:  a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, an apple, a gatorade and 4 thin mint cookies.  ha.  what a great lunch!  what a good boyfriend!

i found it adorable.  i cook for him all the time, and usually it is pretty gourmet, but just that he was thoughtful and made an effort and wanted to make lunch for me was pretty tremendous.