roodle is right

romance for roodle wrote “One idea: If you let Vegas know how you feel (including that you know is feelings haven’t changed, and that you want this to work), and tell him that you think of bailing when you feel this way, he’ll have a chance to fix it with you. Good luck hanging in until you & Vegas can reconnect!”  about my last post.

and she is right.  vegas and i talked about it, made plans for this week and i feel better. 

i guess it is a defense mechanism of mine.  when i get close to someone, and feel like they are pulling away from me, i brace myself for the worst, close myself off, and exit the situation before things get too personal.  that is what i do.  i know, i know.  it is cowardly. 

and the thing is that i understand why someone wouldn’t want to be with me.  i have baggage, i’m cynical, i constantly second-guess my own and other people’s feelings  and am a habitual apologizer. 

but i’m also loyal, fiercely honest and passionate.  and i think i’m fun.  and generally, i think i do pretty well as a friend.

and the whole thing that gets me is that i do like vegas enough to stick with this and at least try.  i wouldn’t feel right if i didn’t try.  so, i didn’t bail.  we made it thru the weekend.  we are good.  if i can keep my insecurities in check, i think there is a lot to us.

venting

i need to vent.  i am frustrated.  i know vegas is busy, really busy…but it definitely sucks not feel like a priority. 

i introduce him to my parents and i haven’t seen him since. 

i’m starting to recoil and when i do that i bail.  i know me. 

i actually don’t feel like his feelings have changed but this distance and space between us fills me with doubt, and i’ve been unhappy with these circumstances.

ugh.   

 

that’s all.  we’ll see if we make it through the weekend.

dinner with the folks

went really well.  the food came out perfectly.  everyone was nice.  my mom told vegas about how i’m deathly afraid of alligators, how at age 4 i used to insult my older sisters in french, and that time i fell asleep on the train to connecticut and missed my stop.

now vegas can’t wait to meet my other sister who looked like ricky schroeder when she was 9.

vegas liked them, they liked him…everything worked out well.

ha.  so, that is that.  i’m guessing it might be a week before my grandparents invite the two of us to dinner at their house.

my valentine’s day

well, we did it on friday, because vegas had a show on sat.  he sent me 2 dozen roses to my office.  i signed for them, and brought them back to my boss, and she said “miranda, these are for you.”  and i said “no they’re not.”  but they were.  i was very embarrassed.

i ordered chinese from our favorite place and we watched movies on the couch most of the night.  we slept in on saturday, and then we went to see friday the 13th.  i didn’t expect it to be good, but i didn’t think it would be THAT bad.  then we went to lunch.  then we went back to my house and took a nap and watched spiderman 3. 

then he left for his show, and i put on pjs and hung out the rest of the night. 

i’ve been nervous about tonight all week.  i finished the shrimp dip and brownies last night.  we are having everything pork chops with red potatoes and green beans.   i realized we didn’t have proper cloth napkins, so i went out and bought them and a new table cloth, bc we don’t have an iron, and my mom is like that.  i bought tulips for the bathroom and figured we’d put the roses on the table.   i made my step dad iced tea bc he drinks it with every meal at home. 

i’m anxious.  i know it is just me.  and i actually think things will go pretty great.  it is just the initial introductions that are tricky.  plus i got some wine, i’ll have a glass before, so that i will simmer down while dinner simmers. 

wish me luck.

because it’s saturday

vegas has show sat, so we agreed to do our valentine’s day friday.  we decided to stay in and watch high fidelty instead of fighting a crowd at the theatre, and we’ll go see friday the 13th another time.  we decided to order chinese instead of going out to a crowded restaurant.  and we decided on exchanging sexual favors instead of gifts (sorry bro).

so.  that sounds pretty perfect to me.  we are going to lunch saturday.  and that is that. 

when i tried to tell him i wouldn’t be upset if we didn’t do anything for valentine’s day he said “i don’t want to see you cause it’s valentine’s day.  i want to see you because it is saturday.”  which was pretty much exactly what i wanted to hear.

 

so things are good.  still. yay.

meeting the parents

good god.  i don’t know what came over me yesterday, but i was exchanging emails with my mother, and mentioned vegas, and casually segued into “he’s been around 4 months, i guess you should meet him.  can i make us all dinner one night?”

jesus.  then she writes back, in shock i’m sure, that they can do monday.  monday.  MONDAY!

vegas is meeting my mom on monday.  dear lord. 

now, i’ve met his parents 3 times.  but, he was “pro meeting the parents” from 3 weeks in.  and i can see why.  his parents are nice.  i was instantly comfortable.

ok, that may not be SO fair.  my mom went thru a tremendous amount as a single mother and now that she is happily married, and we are all out of the house, she fancies herself a little bit of a love guru.  which is very irritating. 

and to be 100% honest, i resent her for not flying out to texas the minute she found out what my ex did.  i know i was a grown up then, as i am now, but i was scared and alone, and i needed my mother.  and she didn’t come.  she is also the only person my ex still contacts about little things still being processed in the divorce and it is always uncomfortable when they come up.  that is to be expected.  what isn’t expected or appreciated is when she says things like “you know, he can really be pretty wonderful” in regards to my ex.  no, he isn’t.  wonderful people don’t abuse the people they “love.”  a wonderful person wouldn’t hurt your daughter.

needless to say, my relationship with my mother has been strained in the 2 years i’ve been back.  when she calls, i often ignore it, bc i don’t know what kind of conversation it is gonna be.  if it is going to be accusatory or upsetting or just a call to see what i’m up to. 

and now she’s going to meet the first man i’ve really cared about since, and i’m terrified.  my sister doesn’t get it, bc my sister doesn’t know everything.  then again, my mom doesn’t know everything either.  why would i tell them?  after they said that i should keep “giving counseling a chance.”  i didn’t want to go into detail and make them understand.  it was horrible enough once.

i walked away with post traumatic stress disorder, a perpetual migraine, sleeping and anxiety disorders.  and i still feel lucky that i’m kinda ok.  i’m trying to move forward, and trying to be happy.

the reality of it is that it is me.  it is me that has the issues introducing vegas to family.  mostly bc it means i’m ready to do “family like things.”  i don’t mean like move in or get a pet or anything.  but little things.  share weekends, take my nephews to the movies, make plans.  making plans for months in advance.  because i feel like he’ll be around.  because family always is.

 

geez, this blog got away from me.

valentines day advice. anyone? anyone?

so, vegas and i are 4 months in.  things are going great.  i’m really happy with us, and i’m glad things have panned out the way they have.

having said that…..i’ve never subscribed to the idea of valentine’s day.  i’ve always thought it was pretty much bullshit.  historically i’ve celebrated with a movie, some beer and pizza.  that way, i’m never fighting crowds.  we’re still hanging out together.  but it isn’t a high pressure situation where anyone is spending too much money.

now, i’ve been called “tactless,” “uncouth” and “insensitive.”  i am not emotional the way a lot of females are and i know i’ve hurt feelings of guys’ before because i assumed they thought something was stupid.

the difference, is that i really like vegas, and don’t want to hurt his feelings.  he already brought me valentines day cupcakes from his mom.  so, maybe he likes this holiday.  what do i say?  how do i recommend us not really doing anything without sounding like a negative nancy?  violetta says that “if it seems like he’s into it, can you just let him enjoy himself by showering you with attention?”

ha.  maybe i’ll give that a try.

should i get him something?  what?  what do you get a guy that you’ve been dating for 4 months for valentine’s day?  i could make him dinner.  but we do that all the time.  but i like that.  hm.  maybe i should just ask him.

 

help!

the solution for sex hair

i cut 6 inches off my hair.  it is much more managable, but still long and sexy.

i didn’t find anything else that worked. but my hair is still longer than most people i know.  and vegas couldn’t even tell the difference.  ha.

new stuff

i took a new job that has been keeping me very busy.  i mean, they really should because they’re paying me double what i was making before to gchat with violetta and post gratuitous blogs about my private encounters for the entire internet.

needless to say, I MISS YOU VIOLETTA and JULIET!  i’m so happy i get to see you at dinner tonight.  and other friends.

anyway, the job is great, i love it so far.  the company and people are amazing, and i’m very happy to be here.  i also feel very lucky to have a job.  times are tough for everyone.  but somehow i found a job within a week and am sitting pretty at my new post.

vegas just found out that he will likely be laid off in the next week or so.  his company is cutting approximately 90 positions.  yikes.  he seems to be suprisingly calm about it.  i elected to leave, he may have to go, but we are working on his resume this weekend. 

speaking of vegas, he is still great.  we’ve both been suprisingly busy the last two weeks, so we really have only been able to see eachother on weekends.  i don’t like that much.  we talk everyday but i miss the closeness.  i’ll admit it kinda sucks that he used to ditch shows to come see me, but he’s trying to live his dream, and i always tell him to go.  so i’m actually doing it to myself.  way to go self.  but truly, the last thing i want would be for him to resent me for holding him back.  i have no doubt how he feels about me, so, i’m ok with it.

um, i hate that football season is over, but the girls are probably happy to have me back.  ha.

all in all, things are getting better.  i am close to being in the financial position i was before my divorce, but still husband free, so i chalk that up as a win in my book.  ha.