platonic pat

i met this guy thru wesley and my good friend lojack.  he is a really nice, sarcastic, funny and uber cool.  he is one of those guys who is smart enough to keep my attention but that i have no real attraction to.  i do this all the time.  i seem to like to have a guy around who i can talk to about my other men, who i keep trying to set up with other friends of mine, and failing because i’m always shocked to learn they are into me.

last year pat and i were really close.  we talked everyday on chat for hours.  we hung out probably 3 times a week.  and i wasn’t seeing anyone seriously.  i had this guy on the side, and a few in the wings.  vegas was around, but was too quiet around me then, and then bob came into the picture.  and bob was loud, and presumptuous, and evidently pissed pat off. 

i was chatting with pat early one morning and said something about how bob was “wearing down my defenses” and i had agreed to go to lunch with him.  pat got quiet and after a bit said “i’m not a fan of the bob.”  and i said “why is he ‘the bob?’ and you don’t have to like everyone.”  and he said “it is just when you talk about him, it makes me want to want to run over him with my truck.” 

whoa. 

at this point, i stop, and it all comes clear.  i honestly had no idea up until this point.  pat says “i need some air” and signs off.  he signs off and deletes me.  DELETES ME.  from chat, from social networking sites.  i was deleted and blocked.  wtf.

i considered pat one of my best friends, but after this happened, i wondered if he was just hanging around and waiting for a moment of weakness.  maybe he thought he would win me by being the last man standing.  i don’t know.  i’ve never lost a friend like this.  i’ve given him space, it has been 9 months. 

well.  last new year’s eve we were at wesley’s.  and when wesley sent out the evite for this year, i saw pat on it.  he responded “yes” and i responded “maybe +1.”  then pat changed his response to “no.”  i’m sure because of me.  i asked wesley if he was mad, if i shouldn’t come, and he said “no.  you are my best friend.  you have to come.”

so, vegas and i are going.  that is the plan.  he came over last night and we watched “stepbrothers.”  hilarious.  see it.  oh, and the other half of my christmas present was “the replacements” which is one of my top 3 favorite sports movies.  also the movie we watched after the last game at yankee stadium.  he asked if i would set the alarm for 5am instead of 530, so we could have more time to roll around in the morning.  and i did, and i’m glad.  morning sex is the best.

the crazy christian

ok.  wtf.  this guy is driving me nuts.  he’s texted me and emailed me numerous times and today he texts me this:

“having friends over here for our film of faith night we do each saturday.  i am not sure how you will react to this:  i won’t hang out with women alone, especially you, because i don’t want to tempt myself to sin against jesus.  if you still want to be friends, let me know.”

whoa.  i’ve never slept with him before, i don’t know why he would think i would sleep with him now. 

dude.

i text back:  i wasn’t going to sin with you.  i’m seeing someone.  it sounds like us being friends depends on whether or not you can handle it.”

geez. 

 

***i’m so excited to see vegas tomorrow.  i miss him loads and it will be so good to hang out for a bit.  we get to watch football and take it easy and i don’t have to work on monday, so i bet i convince him to stay sunday night.  which would be awesome.

“who is this?”

last night vegas came over and we went to dinner and then he gave me my christmas present.  violetta, brace yourself.  he got me a tale of two cities by charles dickens.  i read it every year, i love it, and had complained to him that i couldn’t find my copy since we moved in august.  he said he left the other half of my present at home, so we’ll see what it is later.

we went to bed really early, like 830.  we were both tired.  so we put the dark knight into my laptop and watched it while laying down.  at 1030 my phone rings.  i don’t recognize the number, but it is local and i pick it up, thinking it might be an  emergency. 

i pick up and say “hello?”  and the voice on the other line says “hey miranda!  i’m back in town!”  and i say “who is this?”  and he says “hey miranda, it is the christian.”  whoa.  what?  i haven’t heard from him in a year and a half.  vegas is asleep and i don’t want to wake him, so i get out of bed and head to the family room.  we talk for just a few minutes.  i agree to have coffee with him.

i go back to bed, vegas is in the bathroom, he comes out and says “who was that?”  and i say “an old friend from high school.”  and he says “an old boyfriend?”  and i say “yes, the only one who ever cheated on me.”  then vegas says “well, he’s an idiot.”

we got back in bed and he puts his arm around me and says ” i want to spend christmas with you.”  and i say “i know, that would be great, but at least we have new year’s.  i don’t care what we do, as long as i am with you.”  and he says “i want to be with you all the time.”

when did this happen?   when did i become this girl?  i am crazy about this guy.  i can’t wait till the next time we are together. 

 

***oh, and the christian had called me 3 times, texted me twice and emailed me once.  geez.  any ideas about how to get rid of a nice-enough-but-honestly-never-going-to-go-out-with-this-guy-again ex boyfriend?

christmas presents

i knew his parents were going to get me something for christmas.  i knew this because she sent me a card and a gift tin of cookies for thanksgiving…..and a gift tin of puppy treats for my dog.  when i brought them inside my sister looked at it and asked what it was and i said “oh, it is the new mcdonald’s holiday gift tin extra value meal.” 

vegas and i made plans to hang together last night and tonight.  and i got his parents a lovely poinsettia and made a bunch of homemade brownies and cookies for them.  he brought in a trash bag of gifts.  the trash back contained three separate gift bags:  one for me, one for the house, and one for the dogs.  the one for me had a scarf and a special pancake set that had special syrups which is awesome  bc i make pancakes every weekend.  the one for the house had coffee and treats, and the one for the dogs had two chew toys….so it actually looked like a lot more than there was.

it has been two and a half months….a moment of silence please….and things are great.  last night we watched “scrooged” with all the lights out except for the christmas tree.  money has been tight this year, and i didn’t think it was necessary to go all out at this point.  so i got him the “dark knight” which he adores and gave it to him early, while he was sick the week before last.  he gives me my present tonight.  i’m a little nervous.  i hope he followed suit. 

meanwhile, it is freaking freezing in washington.  juliet, love, i hope you are having a wonderful time back home, but i’ve picked up my phone several times to call or text you since you left saturday.  miss you and love you.

oh, and the brownies….are the best brownies i’ve ever had.

the worst thing

the worst things you can probably do to me is lie and/or stand me up.  i don’t say i’ll be somewhere and not show.  (i will be late, i always am, if you can’t accept that, date someone else.)  you should return the favor.

last night vegas and i made plans to go to the club for the show around 8.  he called me at 630.  he said he had thought about going to another show downtown, and i said “you should go if you want.”  and then he said “no, i’ll be where you are cause i want to see you.”  i say “great, see you then.”  it usually starts late, and it is a casual thing, so i show at 830.  i say hello to wesley, bob, and 20 other people….no vegas.   hm.  maybe he is running late, so i grab a seat and a beer with wesley.  i text him around 915 and let him know i was planning on leaving around 10.   no text back.  nothing.

bob comes and sits next to me…..of course.  and thor is there too….and i’m right in his convenient line of vision.  so, i’m getting really uncomfortable really fast.  10pm finally comes along and i leave.  i say goodbye to a ton of people and walk out.

when i get home, i start to worry.  i text him “is everything alright?”  his phone has been flighty, maybe it died, maybe he got in an accident, who knows?  i’m thinking the worst.  because honestly, it is doubtful that if he just “decided to not go” is a good enough reason for me to keep him around.  i’m trying not to be mad or protect my feelings prematurely. 

we’ll see what he says when i talk to him today…..and there is no way i’m texting or emailing him first.  at this point it is not about games, it is about being courteous, and he obviously has not, thus far, considered my feelings.

****************************************************************

so, after i finish my rant online i get in bed, i feel better, i usually do after i write.  well, i get this text from vegas at 1147:  “baby, i just woke up.  i don’t know how the fuck that happened.  i didn’t think i was that tired.”

i read it and put the phone down.  he has been sick.  he’s been on a bunch of medicine treating his symptoms, and i know how medicine effs me up.

then at 1148 he texts “you up?”

i reply “yes.  i’m glad you are ok.  i’ve never been stood up before.  it sucked.”

then he calls.  he still has his half asleep voice on.  he apologizes profusely.  he wasn’t ignoring or avoiding me, he was sleeping.  he asks if we are still on for thursday.  i say yes.  and he says he’ll make it up to me.

so we’ll see how tonight goes.

lately

i’ve been feeling the itch to bail on vegas.  it isn’t the usual bail bc it is a lame guy who got too clingy too fast, it is me being scared of having real feelings for someone who is pretty great who i’m afraid i’m going to fuck things up with.

to be honest.  i’m a pretty awesome girlfriend.  i cook, i’m fun, i get along with his friends, i play football, i watch football, i love sex and hate cheesy romantic comedies.  i’m a low maintenance, easy going girl. guys love to bring me home and meet their parents….and their parents always love me. 

but i know me.  i know i’m bruised and broken and i always wonder what is wrong with guys when they start to fall for me. 

vegas is so nice.  and i know he is sincere when he says things like “i’ve never felt like this before about anyone” and “i love everything about you and i wouldn’t change a thing.”  but here’s the rub.  i’ve heard it all before.  i’m not saying i think these are lines, i’m saying i think we are at different places in our lives and want different things.  he’s looking for the big love and i was just in his view when he put on the binoculars.  i need a consistent playmate, who’s been burned before and WON’T fall in love with me.

 

i don’t know if i’m ready for this yet.

chemistry

vegas and i have chemistry like i’ve never experienced.  when we are together, it is like all the forces in the universe are willing us to be closer.  and then closer still.  it is ridiculous.  i almost think there is something wrong with us. 

the attraction is this primal draw to eachother.  i don’t even know how to describe it or what to think about it.  the sex is dizzying.  but it is more than sex.  it is obvious.  it is undeniable.

vegas gave me one of the best compliments i’ve ever received last night.  he said “miranda, sometimes when i’m kissing you, i don’t know where the f*** i am.”

ha.

he also told me he “needed me.”  vegas made it sound like an addiction.  he said “a few days without sleeping next to you and i’m going crazy and unable to think of anything else.”

i didn’t say i “needed” him back.  i told him that it seemed like forever since we were together last.  it was sunday night….precisely 3 days and it seemed like weeks.

i like him more than i thought i would, but at this point could still walk away relatively unharmed.  i don’t think he could.  i think he is more emotionally invested.  not that i’m saying i couldn’t get there, but the fact that i do care about him terrifies me.  my reservations and hesitation are primarily in the name of self-preservation.

on being haunted

i’m haunted by my past.  i’m haunted by my late marriage.  it follows me, makes me miserable, makes me sad to think of things that once gave me joy.

it is a dead thing.  dead memories.  they’ll never change and never get better.  a great man said about his lost son that the memory of the death will always hurt, but in time it will be like a piece of glass in the ocean, and the rough edges will smooth and he’ll be able to handle it without fear of injury.  i don’t feel that way.  this will always be miserable.  it will never be easy. 

it has been almost exactly 20 months since i left him.  since i packed everything i could in my car and drove for 3 days because i was tired of living in fear.  

i still look over my shoulder nervously in airports and malls, and i still am paranoid about a car that might be following me.

i’ll feel so good about regaining my sense of self and independence and then out of the blue, i get an email or a text or read a news story, and i’m back to hiding and being so scared all i want to do is sleep.

braveheart

i was a sophomore in high school and i somehow caught the eye of a senior boy who was captain of the varsity lacrosse and football teams.  this boy was given the superlative “best body,” he was nice and popular and had grown up socially in a world i was never a part of.  he sat at the cool kid table at lunch.  if high school were a chess board, he would have been a power piece, probably a knight or bishop, and i would have been a side pawn.  it’s ok.  i’ve never liked being the center of attention. 

i’m saying this because it is rare in high school for people to escape their comfort zone and seek out different types of personalities than the ones that surround them.  in college and after, things level out.  but everyone is self conscious and self involved when they are between the ages of 15 – 18.  and that is ok.  it is part of growing up. 

we were in a fashion show together, he was modeling tuxedos and i was modeling for meep’s boutique downtown.  i was in a short 70ish jumper with thick leggings, clunky doc martinish shoes, and a scarf.  cute.  from the shoulders up i looked like an alien.  i had blue/black eye shadow, fake lashes and glitter under my eyes.   i don’t know how they did it, but they fashioned my hair up with pipe cleaners and it looked like i was pippy longstocking after being on meth for a few months and then trying to electrocute myself.  there was SO much hairspray and glitter used, i could barely breathe thru my nostrils because my nose hair was stuck together.

braveheart pulled me aside after giving me the eyes all night and i don’t remember what he said, but i was enamored.  quickly.  all of a sudden, i was watching lacrosse practices and thinking about running my fingers thru his curly hair.  we went out on a few dates.  we went to see a student opera at gmu, my idea, he was very receptive for obviously not caring, maybe it was the making out after that he knew was coming.  then he couldn’t believe that i had never seen braveheart so he took me to pizza hut and then to the movies…his idea…obviously. 

we sat down and watched the movie.  i hate war movies.  unless it is lord of the rings or something fantasyish, i despise battle scenes and sequences.  it just isn’t my thing.  i don’t like to see people get hurt in movies unless it is ridiculously unbelievable of a circumstance.  like in a horror movie, or by an over sized government experiment or by aliens, elves, trolls or something impossible.  so, needless to say, i had my hands over my eyes for most of it. 

FINALLY the movie ends.  thank goodness.  now time to make out.  well, he starts talking in a scottish accent.  i laugh for the first 5 minutes, but he doesn’t stop.  HE DOESN’T STOP.  he keeps talking like an asshole and i finally ask him to take me home.  he became the most irritating, undesirable guy in that short time.  i realized then that i only went out with him for his looks.  i was embarrassed at my shallowness and my hypocrisy.  i resented guys who liked girls “just because they are hot” and it turns out i am no different.  i searched my mind for something, anything that would tie us together….a reason we would “work” but found nothing. 

braveheart asked me out again after he saw me in a play and i said “no.”  no way.  i’ve dated people who i’ve had nothing in common with before, but this was torturous.  he seemed unable to converse effectively without some kind of specific reason or gimmick.  be it a fake accent or my crazy hair or the last lacrosse play, that was fine.  but the casual conversation was impossible, strained and boring and i was over it. 

i never went out with braveheart again.

 

***i’m getting very used to waking up and having  vegas close to me.   i usually wake up first, and move close to him, my stirring wakes him and he pulls me close to him and kisses my hair, neck, cheek, shoulder.  we lay around until the alarm goes off.  one of us reaches for the snooze button and then the other makes his/her move.  we’ve timed out morning sex in perfect 9 minute increments.  light and tired kissing …foreplay and heavy petting and then …..well, you know.  it works.  it works well.  i am ready for the day, refreshed and focused.  i still need my coffee, but i have my motivation for the day.

thanksgiving

vegas and i are both VERY involved in our families but in different ways.  he asked awhile ago when we could “tell family.”  and i said “i’m not ready for my family to know.”  he asked why and i replied “because the last guy i brought home, i married, and i’m not ready to get into that .” 

that following weekend he went home and told his mom about me.  he came back and told me he told her.  i said that was ok, and actually, that it was nice to hear because it made me believe he really liked me.  then he told his mom i was glad he told her.  yikes.

so then…..i told him it was ok with me that his family knows but i didn’t want him to feel bad that he didn’t get an invitation to thanksgiving at my grandparents’ house.  he said he understood. 

vegas left for fredricksburg wednesday right after work, and wasn’t coming back until sunday night.  that would make for the longest break thus far from each other….and i hate that i didn’t want to be away from him.  it made me crazy that i knew i would miss him. 

i was SO excited when he asked me to come watch the hokie game with him in fredricksburg on saturday afternoon.  he told me to bring my dog and that his mom would dote on him.  wait.  his mom?  oh goodness. 

i was so nervous.  not that she wouldn’t like me, but that she would.  that the family would fall in love with me and i would fall in love with them. 

it went well.  his family was so gracious and funny and i adore his mother.  i was completely at home and it scared me to death.

my ex gave me a good reason to hate all men, but i don’t.  i hate my ex.  i don’t want to be one of those women who are so cynical and cold and impossible to get to know.  i don’t want to live my life closed off.  i don’t want to be one of those people who give up on love and don’t try.  but it is hard and it is scary, but i’m really trying.  really.

it is like that billy joel song “and so it goes.”

but if my silence made you leave
then that would be my worst mistake
so I will share this room with you
and you can have this heart to break

ok.  i should have warned you this was about to get cheesy.

we went to dinner last night.  and we laughed and made fun of each other and it is so easy to be with him.  we went to on the border in tyson’s and he asked me my opinion on “double dipping” in regards to chips and salsa.  i just laughed and said “if we are having sex, i don’t see what the big deal is.”  and he said “geez, miranda, not just with me, in general.”  haha.

then i told him to come home with me and he i’d let him “mess up my hair.”  and he did.  and it was amazing.