the mormon

that is what my whole family called him.  yes, he was mormon, but i didn’t care.  i didn’t think he cared that i wasn’t.  we were in high school.  junior and senior year, it was a tortured/forbidden type of relationship. 

he wanted me bc he would be breaking the rules and i wanted him because i thought him breaking rules to be with me was a gallant testament of his feelings for me.  both of us were wrong.  when love is about everything else, and not about the person you’re with, it will never work.  and that is what happened.  at one point he told me he “wanted to be with [me] forever, and all [i] had to do [is] convert.”  i said “no.”

he was quickly distracted by another girl, one who was catholic AND had a boyfriend.  she was a hussy.  yeah, i said it.  he never cheated on or broke up with me…he just ignored me to the point where i we might as well not be dating, so i broke up with him.  it was cool, mutual.  we had never had sex, so it was a pretty easy break after a 6 or 7 month thing.

he went to jmu, and had a bad break up with the hussy.  she cheated on him.  what?  was i surprised?  no, i wasn’t.  because that is what hussies do.  but i skipped the “i told you so” conversation and just asked if he was ok.  when he asked me to come up there from tech, i was nervous.  i mean, we had established a firm friendship, but i wasn’t sure if he was expecting any sympathy or rebound gestures on my part. 

well, he was, but i didn’t oblige.  i mean, come on.  we didn’t really talk again.  not that i remember. 

he’s married now.  not mormon.  married another ex-mormon.  that sounds good…seems like they figured that out.

something that i find interesting as i write this and remember is my consistant need for the big gesture.  why do i need the men in my life to make some huge thing to prove they want to be with me?  why is the idea of being in a relationship with me so ridiculous, that i feel the need to substantiate it with some life changing decision?  the christian, the columbian, the mormon, all tortured relationships, without clean easy ends.  why have i always been so uneasy about it?  what is wrong with me?

 

***vegas is leaving for fredricksburg today and i won’t see him until sunday night or monday.   i’m stressed about this.  well, not really.  i’m stressed that i miss him already.  we had dinner last night.  and the night before.  i am crazy about him, and he’s the same way.  i feel like i’m falling thru quicksand when i’m not with him, and when he is around, i am so still, and calm, and things are better.

the christian

this guy was probably the first guy to get me in a bed rolling around with him.  i was a freshman or sophomore in high school, not sure, and he was two years ahead of me and went to a rival high school across town.  ten miles might as well be a state away when you can’t drive.

the christian was another girl’s boyfriend….ugh….but he broke up with her as soon as he met me.  which at 15, made me think that it was destiny that we be together.  ha.  right.  i’m a pisces and he is a cancer and we fit really well.  

we were kids.  he was older and i was a virgin and was not going to have sex with him.  it took about 5 weeks for him to cheat on me.  he’s the only guy who ever has.  the christian didn’t even tell me…i found out from his brother.  i forgave him, but couldn’t trust him, and didn’t want to be with him anymore, so i broke things off and didn’t talk to him for a year or so. 

we were able to become good friends.  i always sensed that he wanted more.  but my dogma became “if it didn’t work the first time, why would it work now?”  which is horribly cynical for someone 17.  our family donates and decorates a tree to the special olympics every year and he came to help decorate my senior year.  we had been friends a long time at this point.  my mom was pushing me to date him again.  i laughed that off.  what girl wants to date a guy her mom likes?  seriously.  if you want your daughter to date a guy, the best thing to do is shake your head at him and say something like “i don’t know miranda, i just think he is up to no good.”  that is what you do.  you don’t tell your daughter “you should marry that guy.”

anyway, i graduate, go to college, get married, get divorced, move back to the area and see him on a social networking site.  this is over a year ago.  i thought it was a joke.  his name on the site is “christian = god saves” and his layout is a big cross designed by….yup…”christian layouts.”  his top friends include joseph, the chosen people, and 5 christian rock bands.  who is this guy?  i check his pics just to make sure it is him, and i see his dreamy hazel eyes looking back from the screen.  hm.   seems a few things have changed.  it has been almost 10 years, so, of course they have.  i keep an open mind and email him and ask him if he’d like to have coffee with me.  he is very excited to hear from me.  it seems like he has a load to tell me and i give him my number and we make plans for later that week.

that same day the christian texts me.

“i can’t wait to see you.  you are the most amazing girl i’ve ever met and i can’t wait to pick things up.”

whoa.  settle down there, moses, you are not parting this red sea.

so, then i say “it will be nice to see you.  a lot has changed and i’m glad we get to catch up.” 

then he writes “maybe this is a bad idea.  maybe i shouldn’t see you at all.”

and i say “why?  what is wrong?”

and he says “i don’t think i can adhere to my new-found christian ways with you.  i’ve wanted you for too long.  i don’t think we should talk or hang out anymore.  maybe sometime in the future.”

what?  he must think i have converted to “hussy” during his conversion to all things jesus.

 

***vegas and i are going to see the new james bond tonight.  i can’t wait.  i can hardly think about anything but him.  i’m absolutely uneffective at work.  the sex gets better and better and i’m completely distracted with inappropriate images that seem fixed in my mind.  he’s got “feelings.”  he told his mom about me.  he told me and i said “i’m glad you told your mom, that means you really like me.”  and then he told his mom i was glad he told her.  ha.  and i have “feelings” too.  things are really great and i’m enjoying being with someone who isn’t horrible for me.  we’ll see where things go from here.  it feels nice to open up to someone again and let them in.

the weekend

it started, good, great even.  vegas stayed fri night and we rolled around in bed all morning sat.  he asked me if i was seeing anyone else.  i said “no, did you think i was?” and he said “no, but i don’t want to be presumptuous.”  and i said “vegas, this is good, we are good, i don’t want to see anyone else.”  we said our goodbyes and he headed to fredricksburg and i went to a dear friend’s baby shower. 

i had juliet, violetta and some other girlfriends over for games, wine and movie night.  it was loads of fun. 

i was asleep by midnight, and sunday was the game with bob. 

well, vegas was essentially making me miserable about it.  i was excited about the game but nervous about the conversations and texts that i knew would accompany the experience.  it was my first pro ball game and i don’t know why i should feel guilty about looking forward to it. 

i get why vegas is uneasy about it.  but, bottom line, he said it was ok.  he said he was being selfish and that he understood why it was important to me to keep this promise to bob.  i don’t know how he could think i would let anything happen when he was in my bed 4 nights last week, but i guess i didn’t do a good enough job assuring him.  and i can understand his insecurity.  if the situation was reversed, i don’t know how cool i would have been.

it is bob and this guy chris in my car.  it is FULL with tailgating food, grill, coolers, lots of stuff.  the drive there was easy, fun, we were laughing and everyone was excited.  we get there, and it is cold.  i am freezing.  i am keeping warm by standing close to the grill and drinking captain morgans and coke.  bob offers me his scarf, he has an extra hat in the car, he is overall being very nice.  but he usually is.

we are walking up to the game, and it is crowded.  i get nervous, look around for bob, and can’t see him.  i don’t remember being this anxious about crowds, but i was VERY overwhelmed.  bob appeared and asked me if i was ok.  i was practically hyper ventilating at this point, but we got to our seats, i sat down and calmed  instantly.

skins lost.  that stinks.  i hate dallas for so many reasons.  the least relevant is their football team, but is a good target to project my anger.

we made it to the car, dropped the boys off, and i was home by 1230am.  not too bad.  i was so tired from being SO cold for 7 hours, i passed out and slept to noon monday. 

vegas apologized for not handling it gracefully and i asked to see him that night.

he came over and as soon as he came in he took my face in his hands, looked me in the eye, breathed heavily and kissed me.  if i had been standing, i’m sure my knees would have buckled. 

he asked “are we ok?”

and i said “yes.”

he talks in his sleep

yes.  vegas does.  i do it too.  you probably do as well. 

we went to bed pretty early last night.  it was his third night in a row staying over, and we were both tired.  we had gone to see “role models” and had dinner earlier. 

we were watching the hokie game and he was falling asleep, so we went to bed.  we “talked” for a bit.  he asked me if i was sick of him and i said “not yet.”  i was kidding, but he looked upset at the joke.  i apologized and told him it was almost easier to go to bed with him than without him at this point.  it was not to flatter him.  it is true.  we’ve achieved a very high level of comfort.  it feels very natural to be with him. 

this morning after he left, i drifted back to sleep and woke up and reached for him.  i felt like he should have been there.

anyway, in the middle of the night he reached over, pulled me close and kissed me and said “miranda, i want to wake up with you everyday.”  he was asleep, just talking/mumbling, but it was sincere.

things are good

really good with vegas.

it’s been about a month (he brought that up, btw), and things are good, great even.  we’ve figured out each other pretty well.  we are both enjoying how easy things are.  we both have a high level of comfort and are honest with each other.  and the sex, well, i didn’t think it could, but it just gets better.

vegas stayed thurs night and then fri morning he sends me a text saying “i’m working on a list of 11 things i like about you.” 

one big reason i feel good about vegas and me is because we don’t drink very much together, in fact, neither of us drink very much (except for the rare occasion) at all.  this is a good change from bob and most of the other guys i typically get involved with.  i think with bob, we never went to bed with less than 4 drinks in us and i don’t know why that was ok with me.  prob because of my history of bad relationships.  maybe because i knew bob was bad for me and the booze made it less intimate.  i ’m not sure, but i’m glad the book on bob is closed.

after last week, everyone must know about vegas and me.  cat out of bag.  not sure how the news was received from everyone, i’m sure quite a few were suprised.  i’m think i’m gonna bail on the thing wednesday and avoid those particularly awkward conversations. 

not like my week will be short of those, the football game is sunday.  great.

making up

vegas and i had plans for dinner last night, but after we both went to bed unhappily on wednesday, i was doubting that he would show and wondering if i even wanted him to.

well, we talk over email, both apologize for the misunderstandings, he is cautious and non presumptuous about what the course of the evening would hold.  he texts me around 6pm asking “are we still on?”  and i say “i hope so.”

he comes over, and we watch the hokie game.  we won, sweet!  i made a bolognese that was delicious.  he cleared the dishes and asked if there was anything he could do to help clean up.  he always offers.

then he says “you look like you are about to fall asleep.  do you want me to leave?”

i said “you know you can stay.  if you want.”

he looks at me and says “i really hated going to sleep last night knowing you were upset.  i’m sorry.”

and i say “forgiven.  please stay, i’m exhausted, but i’d love to wake up with you.”

and he says “i’m tired too, we can just go to sleep.”

ha….yeah right.

the saga of sucky continues

vegas and i had just talked about keeping things under wraps and last night we met at the club.  bob was there.  ophelia, wesley and violetta too.  well, after the show we went to clyde’s in tysons.  i show first, order vegas and myself some drinks, then he shows and we sit and talk for a few minutes.  then bob shows.  i don’t know what happened exactly, but i could feel vegas getting irritated, and as soon as wesley and some others showed, he left.  he just walked out.  ugh. 

so then i send him a text that says “we’re on for tomorrow, right?”

“that’s gotta stop.  i won’t be disrespected like that again” he replies.  what?

i say “do you want me to tell him?  bc then the cat is out of the bag.”

he says “why wouldn’t you tell him?”  seriously?  how many times do we have to say this?

well, everyone goes to the bathroom, kinda weird, and it is just wesley and me at the bar.  we’ve been friends forever, and he says “what’s wrong, what is with all the texting?”  and i say “well, umm, i’m seeing vegas.  it’s been a few weeks.”  and he says “OH, and bob doesn’t know, got it.”  and i say “exactly.”

so then, wesley takes this as his cue, leaves, the other guys leave too and it is just bob and me.  and bob says “so, miranda, what is new?”  and i say “well, i’m kinda seeing vegas.”  and he says “kinda seeing or seeing?”  and i say “seeing.  things happened right before the party, so it’s been a few weeks, we’ve been keeping things quiet but i wanted to make sure you heard it from me.” 

….

he takes a sip of his drink, gets quiet and says “miranda, i don’t want you to think you aren’t important to me.  introducing you to my roommates was a big deal for me, i know you might not see that, but i like you so much, and i just am not ready for anything ‘real.’  and i knew if we got any closer, i would have to be all in, and i wasn’t ready for that.  but vegas is a great guy, he’s liked you forever and he’ll treat you better than i can.”

there were so many questions running thru my mind, why he did things, why he didn’t do others.  but i didn’t ask them.  i just let him get it out.  i didn’t expect him to pour his heart out, i didn’t see that coming, but it was nice to hear that things weren’t one-sided.  a little late, but still nice to hear.

i say “bob, we are good though, everything is cool, right?”

and he says “of course, i can’t imagine my world without you in it.”

ugh.

then i say “i’m going home.  goodnight.”

then i text vegas “wesley and bob both know.  i’m heading home.  goodnight.”

and he calls.  he is irritated and short with me. 

all of a sudden things are feeling less fun and not easy.

 

i’m guessing i’m in for another “talk” tonight when he comes for dinner.

the status conversation

ugh.

so, last night vegas asked me to go to an early movie with him.  we went to see zach and miri make a porno which was pretty funny and very cute.  we went to the clyde’s in tysons after and sat down and had a beer.

a few days ago, i told vegas about promising to take bob to the redskins/cowboy game and he got a little pissy about it.  he started with humor “fine, bc i’m going on a date with herbie.”  one of our other friends.  ha.  then he got a little serious and said “you know that is a date, right?”  and i said “no, it isn’t.  i specified ‘non date’ terms.”  and he said “miranda, he isn’t gonna stop trying unless he knows you are involved.”  and then he said “as long as he knows you are seeing me, then it is fine.”

hmmmm.

so, now, we are sitting across from each other and he makes a joke how he told our friend tim and “the cat is out of the bag.”  we both laugh, he says he’s kidding and then he brings it up.  he says “i mean, what would i say?  we haven’t really talked about our ’status’ and not that we need to define things every step of the way, but we should probably discuss it.”

geez.

so i say “well, i’m not sleeping with anyone else.”  ha.  classic miranda!  obviously the issue isn’t the sex.  the sex is amazing, the issue is every thing else.  he kinda chuckles and he says “well, me neither.”  and then i say “well, i don’t really know how we’d have time or energy for that.”  ha.  wow.  then i say “but seriously, i don’t sleep with guys i don’t like and i’m having a lot of fun doing what we are doing.”  he says “me too, i think we should keep it quiet for a bit longer.”  i told him i was sorry about the situation about the game, and how i feel like an asshole for it and understand if he was upset.  i told him i would rather go with him, but, at this point, it is about keeping a promise to a friend. 

so now what?

keep it quiet, but tell bob.   how does that work?  as soon as bob knows, all our other friends are gonna know. 

 

help on deciphering this guy talk, please.  because i’m SO close to just asking vegas “what do you want me to say?”  that could be disastrous, and i don’t want to bring up the status conversation.