how do i…….

tell bob?  i don’t want him to hear it from anyone else.  i know he still likes me.  i want him to be clear about it and ask me any questions that he has. 

last night we were at that thing we go to on wednesdays.  i walk in see bob in the back, nod and wave, see ophelia and go sit next to her.  vegas is at the table too sitting right across from ophelia and we have friends coming up to us saying hello.

bob comes up and hugs me.  we exchange pleasantries and he goes back to where he is hanging. 

the show is dry.  a bunch of our friends go up.  vegas goes and then i let ophelia know i’m gonna bail after the next guy.  vegas is gonna leave 10 minutes after me and then come to my place.  we’ve planned this all out.  well, ophelia and i are walking out and bob comes up to us and says “are you prepared to be dazzled?”

and i say “bob, i’m leaving.”  and he says “i’m going up next.  come on.  we haven’t even gotten a chance to hang out.”  and i say “i’m sorry, bob, it’s been a bad week at work, i’m exhausted and going home.”

so, i say “goodbye” to a few other people, pay my tab and then leave in the middle of bob’s set. 

that was pretty shitty of me.

well, i just turn onto the toll road and my phone rings….it is bob.  he says “really?  miranda, really?”  and i said “i’m sorry i missed your bit, do you hate me?”  and he says “of course not.  i really just wanted to hang out with you and talk.”

ugh.

well, i don’t know what to even say here.  i don’t know what the “status” is for vegas and me.  we’ve agreed to keep a lid on it for awhile.  i just feel like bob will do better managing his feelings if he knows that i’m otherwise involved. 

but i’m still dreading telling him.

 

any suggestions on the delivery of this news?

a day at the museums

vegas had this idea to go downtown and take me to the museums.   i don’t know if he was just suggesting it or had actually planned on it panning out, but my enthusiastic response to his offer and my quickly following exhibit recommendations obviously showed him this was something i love to do.

juliet and i go to the museums probably every 4 months.  i love to see the seasons change on the mall.  i love it.  the smithsonian is free.  FREE.  and it holds a wealth of information and culture and exposure to things i may not know or understand or get, but it doesn’t matter.  there is so much there, you could never see it all and you should go.  GO!

we went to the american history museum to see the jim hensen exhibit.  SO excited, but it was closed!  boo!  oh well, then we went to the natural history…he wanted to see the woolly mammoth….in juliet’s least favorite exhibit….ha, well she wasn’t there, so it was ok.  it was fun.  we found the dinosaur that was most likely to be my dog if we were prehistoric people.  i found out that vegas is scared of spiders…a lot…when we walked thru the bug exhibit.  oops.

then we went to the hirshhorn.  he didn’t get it.  he was like “is this art or decoration?” which i found adorable.  we were looking at a sculpture and he says “what is this?  someone’s wrecked car?”  and out of nowhere a volunteer came out and started talking about the artist and showed us, in her opinion, the best representation of his art in the museum.  vegas was clearly uninterested, but he listened intently in his yankee’s shirt and asked questions.  it was nice of him.  he is pretty great.  while we were riding the escalator, he stood behind me, leaned in and kissed my hair and neck.

we walked downstairs and there is a sculpture of hangers and he looked at it quickly and said “that’s pretty cool.” and then he said “wait, those are hangers.”  ha.

then we went to the national gallery, strolled thru, it was getting late, so we headed back.

when we got off the metro, i called the chinese food place we both like near my house and ordered take out.  we picked it up, i pulled out my wallet, and he said “i got it.”  we went back to my house, ate and watched the giants game for a bit then made out for 3 hours.  ha.  no sex.  just rolling around in bed, unable to keep our hands off each other.

he left around 10pm.  giants won.  9 hour date was amazing.  we made plans for dinner on thursday.  can’t wait. 

the discussion came up about who he has told and who i’ve told.  he said 3 of our mutual friends and his brother.  i said ophelia, juliet, violetta and desdemona AND THE WHOLE INTERNET.  no i didn’t say the “the whole internet” because he doesn’t know, and he doesn’t need to know about this blog.  i said i wanted to be the one to tell wesley, but am not in any hurry to do that.  that is where the conversation stopped.  i didn’t go to the “well, what am i gonna tell them?  what is going on with us?” because i think it is good that we are ok without the definition, at least for now.

sex with vegas

i feel like i should write a post about this, but then i feel like i shouldn’t.  this whole blog is really difficult for me in a lot of ways. 

i am a pretty private person.  i do my best to mind my own business and i confide in very few people.  if i didn’t publish this blog, probably 3 people would know the juicy details of what has transpired between vegas and me. 

for some reason i am compelled to keep you (anonymous reader) up to date.  strangers on the internet knew before my sister that something was going on with vegas and me.  in all fairness, desdemona would tell everyone we know, including our mom, so no wonder i’m tight lipped around her.  desdemona doesn’t even know about this blog.

what i’m trying to get at is that publishing something so personal is hard for me.  so, you aren’t going to get details, but i will say this:

it is amazing and my legs are still shaking hours after.

and…..it begins

so, after another weekend of sexy time with vegas, it begins.  he is trying to qualify our romance. 

ew.  i can’t believe i just typed “romance.”

obviously, i’m not sure where this is going.  i like him.  i enjoy being with him.  and i’m cool with hanging out, having sex, and seeing where it leads us.  if feelings develop, fine.

ew.  i can’t believe i just typed “feelings.”

he wrote an email to me today that says “what movie do you wanna watch on thurs?  and we actually have to watch this one.”

ok ok ok.  i know what he is doing.  he’s trying to figure out if this relationship, ugh, is viable without the sex.  but why would we not have sex?  when it is that good, why would you not do it?  that doesn’t make sense to me.

he’s taking me to the museums on sunday, then we are gonna go watch the giants’ game at 4 and then back to my place for dinner.  a total date day.  should be great.  i’m looking forward to all of it.  i really am. 

i guess the difference here, is that i’ve had the “big love.”  i’ve had the “mad love,” the “sad when he’s away love,” the “can’t get close enough love,” the “i’ll do anything for you love.”  i’ve completely lost myself in that. i forgot who i was.  and things got so bad that my light was pretty much out when i finally picked up and left. 

all for love.

i don’t know if i’m ready for that.  and vegas is a guy who it could happen with.  the same things are important to us.  we have fun, we cherish our families, we like to laugh, we are great friends, and we are different enough to keep things interesting.

i guess i’ll wait for the “so….what is this exactly?  are we dating?  am i your boyfriend?” conversation.

this part

is my favorite. 

there are butterflies when i think about him.  i am restless when he is not around me.  there is laughing and playing and smiling in bed.  lazy mornings.  not caring about being tired after being up all night and not wanting to do anything but crawl back into bed with him.

mmmmm.

unfortunately “this part” doesn’t last for too long, eventually we’ll come up for air, and see the bright light facing us and have a talk about what this is, what it means?  is it just vast amounts of gratuitous sex?  is that all we both want?  are each of us ready for whatever is next? 

let’s get real here.  i like vegas.  a lot.  i don’t sleep with men i don’t like or care about.  but he is the one who will bring this up.  he has “the feelings.”  we’ve been friends for a year, we’ve been on about 19 dates and obviously like each other.  the chemistry is amazing.  the sex is FANTASTIC. 

i’m still healing from a lot of things and i don’t know if i’m ready to be any one’s girlfriend.  i cringe every time ophelia says “dating.”  ha. 

also vegas knows bob, they aren’t tight, but vegas knows about everything with bob and me.  we all have mutual friends, we hang out and vegas doesn’t want bob to know right now.  which is good.  this is also complicated, and here is why….

one of my patients gave me amazing seats on the field for the skins/cowboys game nov 16.  awesome, right?  well, this was in early sept, way before i thought anything would happen with vegas, right around bob’s bday.  and i told him we would go.  i’m taking bob to the game.  i can’t rescind that invitation.

i should probably mention that to vegas kinda soon.

bob asked me again via chat if i was gonna hang out wed night, and i said “no.”

and he says “another hot date?”

and i say “sometimes they happen on wednesdays.  but i’m gonna try and come to your show nov 7.”

and he says “if your lover will allow it.”

and i say “stop.” 

and he says “ok.”

i guess that actually works out pretty well.  bob knows i’m involved with someone.  and we were never going to the game “together.”  it was always just gonna be a friendly thing, but i confess that when i invited him, i was hoping that something might happen. 

but now he’s out of my head.  we are done.  we are just friends.  my romantic interest in him is gone.  but i do care about him as a person, and i want to be able to remain friends with him.  i know he likes me.  he will just have to get over it.

the party and the aftermath

i knew it was gonna be risky with having both bob and vegas at the single’s party. 

i’ve ignored vegas’s advances for about a year, but good things are worth waiting for.  we are having SO much fun.  he makes me laugh, he is charming, he is sweet and i feel like he really wants to be with me.  we have grown to be pretty close friends in the last year, and i trust him.  i love the way he talks about his family, i love the way he looks at me. i love the way he pulls me to him and holds the side of my face when he kisses me.  it blows my mind that two weeks ago, i didn’t see this coming at all.  i’ve been totally blind-sided.  and it is awesome.

well, i was excited to pretend to ignore vegas during the party.  we talked about it and decided that is was best to not “come out” with the info just yet.  especially to casual friends.  vegas was texting me throughout the party and was very sweet.  he pulled me into the kitchen when no one else was there, he pretended to be getting something from the fridge and kissed me under the cover of the door.  we had a series of covert making out sessions during the party and it was pretty hot.  i was definitely looking forward to him staying after the party.  we had talked about it, he was gonna stay, he had the parking pass already in his car. 

the exit strategy was perfect, at midnight, they start towing so everyone had to leave.  party started at 7, and i asked ophelia if she would initiate the leaving at 1030.  most people didn’t have the day off, so, i figured they would all wanna be out of here around that time anyway. 

the sangria was crucial.  i mixed 4 bottles of champagne with brandy and vodka, added grapefruit, tangerine, lime and a lite beer.  i froze half a tangerine, grapes and limes so it would keep the sangria cold, so i didn’t have to dilute it with ice cubes.  it was amazing.  anyway, after i got the food out, i relaxed a bit, had two glasses of sangria, and i was feeling great.  then i had a few beers…and i was no longer sober.

people were leaving, the texts from vegas got more and more detailed and suggestive.  i was having a great time.  before i know it, just vegas, bob and i remain.  awkward.  hmmm.  while bob is in the bathroom, vegas says to me that “bob is gonna try and stay” and i say “there is no way that he could think that is an option.”  ugh.

i am very tipsy, and notice that it is 1155, omg.  and i say “oh, geez, you guys have to go.  they start towing at midnight.”  bob and vegas both leave, but vegas just drives around and comes back.  awesome.  bob calls me at 1205, but i am already “busy” with vegas, and i don’t see that he’s called. 

when i check my phone in the morning, i see another missed call from bob and a text an hour later that says “goodnight drunk miranda.”  ha.  fair enough.

well then he calls the next day.  and he asks did i really “want him to leave.”  ugh.  and i say “i wanted everyone to leave, it was late, i was drunk, it was time.”  and he says “well, am i gonna see you wednesday, or are you gonna be out with your boyfriend?” and i say “i don’t have a boyfriend.” and he says ” well, one of your boys then.”  and i say “you don’t have to say it like that, i’m allowed to have ‘boys’ if i don’t have a ‘boyfriend.’” and he says “i know.” 

then i say “i don’t really feel like chatting, i’ll talk to you later.”  and i can tell he is upset about it, but wtf, what is wrong with him?  really?  really? 

he sends me a text a bit later that says “btw, your dog is the cutest ever.” 

i reply “i know.  i’m sorry i didn’t feel like chatting earlier.  i guess i don’t know what you want from me.”

and he says back “i wasn’t expecting to stay the night with you, i just felt like i was all of a sudden in the way and keeping you from vegas.” 

ugh.

i said “they start towing at midnight.”  that is all i wrote.  i didn’t want to confirm or deny any suggestion he was offering.

and he says “you said that already.”  and resumes easy comfortable chat about football and whatnot.

thank goodness.

and in the meantime all i can think about is vegas.  he is in my head and i am so glad he pushed bob out.

singles only cocktail party

i’m throwing this party on sunday.  singles only.  6 guys, 6 girls and me.

serving a gourmet nacho with shrimp, avocado and brie, marinated flank steak skewers, crab cakes, broccoli salad, a lemon mousse cake, chocolate chip brownies and my signature champagne sangria.

ophelia asked if there were any of my guy friends that i would set her up with, but honestly, that never works.  i’m setting myself up to be “in the middle” if things get bad, and i don’t want the pressure of it.

so, this party is my solution.  i’m inviting a gaggle of my single friends to get together, if they don’t already know each other, they can meet and be confident that no one is attached, and that will work well.  i think.

well.  vegas and bob are both invited.  as are 2 more guys that know BOTH of them.  and ophelia and violetta who have pretty much gotten the play by play details for both of these guys.  what a mess.  ha. 

i’ll confess that when i sent  out the invites 2 weeks ago, i still didn’t think anything would materialize between vegas and me.  i was still luke-warm on him and trying hard to forget bob. 

after another, yes, i know, i know, night of amazing making out and completely ignoring the movie we had put on, things are a little different.

the message attached to the invite said something like “if you are ‘involved’ or ‘it’s complicated’ i’m rescinding this invitation” which makes me feel a little conflicted.  with the numbers as they are, i feel like i can focus on food and facilitating conversation, but still.  i’m not going to say that vegas and i are ‘involved’ or ‘dating’ but the sheer volume of time spent and making out that we’ve been doing lately, would imply some kind of ‘messing around’ status.  does that work?

“hey, miranda, what is up with you and vegas?” a friend will casually ask.

“oh, we are just messing around, nothing serious,”  i’ll say. 

funny, that in the 7 months of ‘hanging out’ with bob, that is pretty much all i would say of it.  i wouldn’t let myself emotionally invest any deeper bc i just knew that there wasn’t anywhere to go and i know how bad he is for me.

hmm.  so.  i guess i have to get good at pretending there is nothing going on with vegas and me at least until after the party.  and if bob is expecting anything with him and me to happen, which he has made a few casual mentions of, he will be disappointed.  maybe it is his turn to be disappointed.

best first kiss ever?

vegas and i finally watched wayne’s world last night.  i haven’t watched it in  years…pretty hilarious.

he said he wanted chocolate chip cookies, so i made him chocolate chip brownies.  ha.  i like being a little difficult.  he was not disappointed.  they were pretty amazing.

anyway, vegas finally kissed me.  it was really nice.  probably one of the best first kisses ever.  nothing awkward, nothing weird, just a solid, intense, hot kiss.

vegas 2

i didn’t have to babysit last night, so i sent out a text asking what people are getting into.  i sent this to bob, vegas, one of the mikes and a few others.

bob says “what are you doing? i have to run by a friend’s around 8, but i’m free after that.  i’ll call you.”

one of the mikes says “i farted.”  hm.  ok. 

vegas says “iron man or sleepy hollow?  your place 8pm.”

 so, i respond to vegas “i don’t have iron man.  i thought you were going out with piper tonight.  pork chops ok?” 

he says “i’ll bring iron man.  i bailed.  sounds good.”

so, he comes over, movie in hand.  this is the second time he’s been over to my place and the third time i’ve seen him since monday.

dinner was delicious.  i made my “everything” pork chops, red potatoes and garlic and basil tomatoes.  he ate everything.

we drank beer and put in iron man.  we have a pretty big sectional with two “end zones” as i call them.  there is plenty of room to spread out without any touching, and there wasn’t. 

bob texts me a few times, asking what i’m doing.  i tell him i’m watching a movie and that i’m staying in.  he doesn’t ask who else is at my place.   he does say “well, i hope i’ll see you soon.”  and i say “i’m surprised you’re not sick of me yet.”  and he says “not even close.”  geez.

movie ends, it is about 1030, and i say “wanna watch something else?” and he says “no, i’m gonna head out.”

and i say “let me grab some flops, i have to get my parking pass” and i come out of my room and he is gone…left? 

so, i walk outside, he sped ahead so he could bring me the parking pass, and he says “thanks for dinner, it was awesome.”  i say “sure, have a goodnight.” 

hug, and i start walking back inside, and he says “miranda, wait a minute, i forgot to tell you something” and he starts walking toward me, and i say “what is it?”

and he says “oh, man, i can’t remember.  i just thought of it too.”  ha.  right.  and then he says “well, i’ll let you know if i remember.”

 

so, nothing has changed with vegas and me.  i think we are both unsure of what the next steps should be. 

he asked me to go away with him this weekend.  i said “no,” but i considered it.  what would we do?  watch movies in a hotel?  football?  i don’t know.  that isn’t really the next logical step for this relationship. 

maybe what i need is less logic, but i’m still not going.

dudes at starbucks and trader joe’s

this is a not any one guy.  this is a collective group of men who i am VERY popular with. 

i would say i get asked out at starbucks at least once a week.  hit on 3 or 4 times.  maybe it is my no frills ventidripnoroom that is alluring to men.  maybe it says “low maintenance, economic, and easy.”  ha.  my coffee says i’m “easy.”  THAT is funny.

and at trader joe’s i feel like i am a super model.  which is ridiculous, because if i’m at trader joe’s i’m feeling lazy and buying mini tacos.  that is the only thing i consistently go there for because they are not as good anywhere else.  i highly recommend you check those suckers out.  anyway, i’m usually in sweatpants, a hoody, flip flops, hair is usually in buns or braids if i’m at trader joe’s.  maybe people who shop at trader joe’s find “homeless” sexy, i don’t know.  i think it is the glasses and hair and the mini tacos.  maybe it puts a “fun, not too serious or domesticated” look to me.  i’m not sure, but they LOVE it. 

i’ve never seriously entertained an advance from a dude at starbucks or trader joe’s.  they never seem sincere or something, but maybe i should. 

has anyone ever had luck with a random advance in a coffee shop, book or grocery store?