napa

so, i’m planning a birthday weekend with my dear cousin in napa over our birthdays this coming march.  i’m turning 30 and she’s turning 25.

i’m booking us a 2 bedroom fireplace suite on a golf course resort and i’m thrilled.  i want to do something fun, but not spend a lot of money, and i LOVE napa. 

i found tickets for $118 round trip there and asked vegas to come with me.  he asked when it was and i replied march 11-15 and he said “i can’t plan that far ahead.”

and i said “ok.”

then he said “do you hate me?”

and i said “why would you ask that?” and he said “because i can’t commit to making the trip.”

i then replied “don’t be ridiculous, i don’t want to make you feel like you have to go.”

when what i wanted to say was “as long as that what you mean, not that you don’t think we should make plans that far in advance, bc you’re not sure if we’ll be together.”

which is how that made me feel.

it’s been kinda a hard few weeks for us.  i hurt my back and my sis has been out a lot, so i’ve had the primary responsibility of watching the dogs and have been limited in what i can and can’t do.

he’s been a bit testy and irritable, and i guess i don’t feel really great about where we are.

we’re going to visit his family this weekend.  i’m guessing we’ll have a lot of time to get close or get annoyed with one another. 

i’ll let you know how it goes.

what if they find something else?

i herniated two discs in my back somehow over the past month.  juliet was joking that it might be a sex injury, and frankly, i can’t rule that out.

but anyway, my mri is tomorrow.  i’m pretty nervous.  i’ve never had this done before.  what i know, i’ve seen on house or grey’s anatomy. i’m going to be sucked into the big white tube thing.  i’m guessing it makes a humming noise.  i figure they’ll find something related to my injury, but what if they find something else?

that scares me.  a lot.

“a relationship doesn’t have to be permanent to be important”

my friend john told me this a long time ago and i just thought about it today.

when i look at the people and men that i’ve really cared about and those who’ve dropped out of my life for whatever reason, this is comforting.

i believe more in relationships than i do in god.  if i have to count on people, i trust those who’ve been there when i needed them, or wanted to be with me when i need them. 

but it is a truth that people come in and out of your life, and sometimes that’s all you get.  maybe you learn something, maybe you don’t.

but hopefully, you see a bit of yourself in that other person, and it makes the world a bit smaller and kinder to you.

because most friends don’t stick around forever.  most people will leave.  but if you find a few friends that are there when things are bad, and stick by you no matter what, you’ll be in good shape.

everything is good with me.  i was just thinking of this, and thought someone might need to hear it.

what would you do differently?

violetta and i were talking a while back and she asked me “knowing what you know now, what would you have done differently in high school?”

and i said “i’d have been sluttier.” 

ha.  no hesitation.

evidence of my former life

we had a yard sale this past saturday.  i’d been meaning to go thru some boxes but had been dreading it.  my hope chest and about 4 other boxes were full of stuff i hadn’t looked at since they were shipped from my ex.

ex husband.  ex home.  ex life.

i opened my hope chest, a gift from my nana, to see scarves i’d collected from all over the world.  then i see frames which i quickly looked at, and depending on the photo, i either smiled at or flipped over, removed the picture from the frame, ripped it up and put the frame in a bin for sale.

i saw several perfumed waxes from turkey, soapstone figurines from greece, and other treasures that i’d blocked out with all the bad that had visited me in the last 4 years.

i pulled on what i thought was a scarf, but it was my wedding veil, which quickly went into the trash bag so i wouldn’t have to see it anymore.  there were more pictures from my wedding.  people who were no longer my family.  i threw them out.  i don’t even feel bad about it.

there was a framed picture of my ex and me at our wedding.  i looked only long enough to see that he had crushed the glass and decided to send it to me anyway.  thank goodness the frame was there, and not me, to receive that dose of anger.

and that was the worst of it.  i packed the stuff up, threw it away.  cried just a bit.  and went to see vegas.

i realize that i’ve blocked a lot of good out with the bad.  but honestly, i think the bad outweighs the good and puts everything in its shadow.  i have a hard time compartmentalizing that time in my life, and it is easier for me to pretend it never happened than to acknowledge that there were small bits of happiness that occurred.

there are small things that remind me, i try not to think of them.  in a situation like this, i think it was better that i deal with it, so i don’t have to again.  that may be cowardice, but it’s working so far, and i don’t know what else to do.

ouch!

i was making chicken alfredo sunday night and i accidently grabbed the wrong end of the pan (the one without the handle) with my left thumb and index finger.  it really hurt.  i actually think i have the pan’s insignia blazed into my thumb, it is not so good.

anyway, i grabbed a waterbottle out of the freezer that was about a third of the way filled with ice.  the burn hurt so much if i took my thumb off the ice for more than 15 seconds, the pain was intolerable.

i went to sleep holding the bottle.  i also went to sleep with vegas, who helped me undress bc i couldn’t undo the fastener on my bra or the zipper on my jeans.  thankfully he has ample experience doing both.

normally when we take ice to bed, it plays a very different role.

more than empire strikes back

this weekend vegas told me he loves me more than empire strikes back, which is his favorite starwars movie.

i told him i love him more than indiana jones which is an equal exchange of our nerdy affection.

one missed call

i’m in the middle of my day, and i look at my phone and see a missed call.  from what number?  it looks familiar mostly because it begins with my ex’s area code.

and then all the breath goes out of my chest, my heart sinks into my stomach and i feel like i’m going to throw up.

i hate that he has this power over me.  i don’t even know if it was him, i erased his number long ago.  but just that hint, just that forced memory has ruined my day.  i feel scared and helpless and i’m nervous about being anywhere alone.

all i want to do is hide in my room and go to sleep.

i’ll face the world again tomorrow.

the EXACT same ring

this is weird.  i mean, i think it is. 

my stepbrother proposed to his girlfriend with the exact same ring my ex used to propose to me. 

he never saw the ring, it isn’t like he did it on purpose.  but i was taken back.

i hope it works out better for them.

i woke up

this morning on his side of the bed.  sleeping on his pillow.

i hate sleeping without him.